Tonight I received a message back from my therapist that made made me cry at the end of another very emotional day.
She offered me free sessions if I want them.
Having heard the announcements for self employed workers tonight from the chancellor and thinking that a little help was comiing my way I found out that P doesn’t qualify at all. His accountant set him up as a limited company which means he is part of the 5 per cent of the uk work force that fall through the gap and aren’t entitled to anything even though he is a cab driver who works for himself. I don’t understand the details but I will feel the impact.
My heart sank. Not because of the money….
There are people losing their lives leaving loved ones distraught. The ripple effect of that touching my own heart in feeling the sadness of people I care about so much. Wanting to hold them and tell them everything will be ok.
My heart sank because it felt like for all that I try.. try to do the right thing, try to look out for others, try to be a good and decent person, try to do my best for others, it doesn’t stop you falling through the cracks.
It doesn’t stop you from being unlucky, or hurt or. In the wrong place at the wrong time or being the one who dies from the virus as opposed to those who live.
I sat there listening to P swearing at the unfairness of it all. His frustration and anger only adds to the pressure I feel in having to carry us.
And yet what’s really unfair is Who lives and who dies. All those healthcare workers who put themselves in harms way to try to fight that.
As people shared in the beauty and collective solidarity for our medical staff in all their wonder and bravery and commitment and exhaustion, standing in the street and left with a feeling of being emotional and proud,, I found myself feeling proud too, as I cheered and clapped for them quietly in my garden all alone. Feeling inspired to try harder to be what they are.
Relentless warriors who continue to try to make a difference even when the odds feel continuously stacked against you.
I’ll find a way or I won’t in my own insignificant battle to keep my girl and P safe. Perhaps If we lose it all maybe it will free me from this duty that eats through the soul of a girl who wants to love but can’t walk away.
But I know I wont give up. I can’t give up.
Because I refuse to let us fall through the gap. Lives are worth fighting for not money.
I will do whatever it takes to protect my girl and P and perhaps I will lose the battle and fail in that. But it won’t be because I didn’t try.
As I am tiredly going off to bed I am thinking “tomorrow is a new day. I will try again and be the girl I am”
As my therapist replied.. ..
“M I hope now life has had to stop, everyone will now notice the beauty in the trees and the sky like you have always done. Keep safe and I’m here if you need me”