Talking the talk but struggling to walk the walk.
As everyone holds virtual hands together and feeling a new found life that lives within I feel the opposite. Struggling. Disengaging. Detaching.
Living with someone that I’m so disconnected from but trying my best to be everything they need me to be.
Like a cheap whore.
I think I would find this experience easier if I were completely alone. I would feel more relaxed in just being, than permanently on my game to get through each day.
Today I can’t. I feel nothing. Without even the ability to shout at myself. Detaching from others and myself so that I can continue to feel nothing. Be completely devoid of any emotion.
Not feel a single thing. I don’t want to feel anything anymore.
My girl is my purpose. The reason behind trying and trying. Only today I’ve run out. Feeling completely dead inside. My friend who sent ideas for improving a situation. How I love her. Not wanting to disappoint her in not trying harder, knowing how hard she is trying. Not wanting to admit that I’ve reached a point of giving up. Accepting what it is. Detaching from myself so that I can be screwed each day without having to feel it. I just don’t care about me anymore.
I only care about the people out there that I love. My girl being the effort I find each day, although today I’m just so very tired. Exhausted. Just feeling blank as I remain quiet.
And those friends and family that matter to me and are so special. Loving them from a distance but finding myself wanting to now hold them at arms length along with the rest of the world. For me or for them? Both. I don’t want to feel cared about anymore. And I don’t want to put this empty version of me around others.
I don’t feel broken I just feel numb… soulless. Without feeling. I can feel the wetness of tears running down my face but I can’t feel any emotion attached to them.
As the sun shines outside and the world tries harder I have run out of effort. Im too tired to try. I don’t even know what I’m trying for anymore. Existing within a life that doesn’t belong to me and wishing I could give it away but holding on to it for my girl.
Knowing that there are people struggling and fighting and feeling all sorts of emotions and pushing on. I know what that feels like. To keep pushing on.
But I feel nothing. And to feel nothing is like being dead inside and not remembering what it felt like to be alive.