I have been reading about whales. They are amazing and wonderful creatures. Deep thinkers that sing to each other.
How beautiful is that.
Having disconnected from myself I feel a little easier in just being quiet.
Quiet and numb. This normally most emotional girl is empty and detached. Like a robot.
Disappearing into myself to cope.
There is now a spoken realisation that necessity is dictating our lives, along with a new awareness by P in how much it is hurting me.
P gave me my out. An out I think that is also coming from him wishing to live a life of his choosing beyond this life changing moment in time. It’s like he just woke up. And he handed me a key to a secret hidden door that allows me to exit at some point when the time is right and necessity no longer dictates. And I can do it without bringing everything crashing down and creating lots of hurt and sadness and insecurity.
It feels a long way off and it has taken my complete detachment and lack of emotion, for him to connect to his.
To strip away everything that made me who I was . Leaving me completely empty, alone and feeling scared in being connected to anyone.
Feels safer to just be alone.
All my dreams that were crushed in what this past 9 months and some has been. An experience that has left me exhausted as I’ve rolled into something even bigger. Like an empty shell who has lost the ability to be who I am. To believe in the foundation and the root of all that I hold dear. LOVE!
Love was what made my world go round.
Love was what drove me. But love is what has crippled me .
My love for P which is made from genuine and real care. Care for another person who has been part of my life, who I have history with and who I wish to be happy.
Who I want to see live their life in a way that they can prosper and flourish.
A love that lost that special magic a long time ago but I have huge affection for.
My heart will always give out love to people I care about but it can’t pretend to feel what I don’t.
And I have been hurt. so much. Too much to even feel anymore. So alone in it all everyday and ramped up in having nowhere to go. Feeling at breaking point all the time. I never felt such conflict in all my emotions battling with each other.
Wishing to do the right thing but feeling my own happiness and the very essence of who i am being crushed and washed away. Feeling as though Im not deserving of love and happiness. Watching others who try so hard as well and don’t seem to get their happiness either while others who don’t care who they hurt or walk over , having happiness at every turn. Maybe it is one life.. a life that feels so fragile right now, but I still don’t want to grab my happy by hurting others.
I think there will always be a naivety to me that maybe doesn’t really understand how it works or gets it. My version of love is very simple. It is a magic that you just feel.
I just don’t want to hurt others. It’s easier to die than the hurt that others are left with. I have no fear of death only of living life without others I love or others Who love me being hurt in losing me.
I’ve thought so much about what I wish for in life.
This crisis only reminds me of the fundamentals of who I was.
I need very little to be happy. All those modern things that people tell me that I can’t live without and make my life better. Ive always been able to live perfectly well without them because in fact they dont make anyone’s life better really.
The simple stuff has always been my happy. All I’ve ever wanted is special people that I love and who love me to share it with.
I would happily be locked in a house with someone I love and who loves me.
I guess for me it has always been that simple.
A life where I am completely and crazily in love and having fun and being happy in all the beauty that surrounds.
But with freedom to just be me. To do all the things I dream of while they do theirs.
It seems so easy and yet life seems to have kicked me about and make it impossible.
Why should that be so impossible.
As I look for my lost soul that was once so believing in love and happiness I fear that perhaos it is lost forever and I will spend a lifetime living in isolation.
I have learnt so much about myself but also about others.
It does feel easy for some. Money does make it easier. It paves the way to be just as you are and have choices. It’s easy to be wild or rebellious when you don’t have to risk anything. It’s easy to be loving and giving when you don’t have any worries or responsibilities and your life is secure. It’s easy to be bright and breezy when you are not continually walking in darkness
And yet I’ve always been someone who looked beyond all those things and tried to do more. Risked it all, took on more difficulties and responsibilities and dared to step into the darkness knowing that I could help others not be alone in that.
But it is tiring and draining and it hurts me. And in a life that has been difficult for a few years I am tired. Wanting to retreat inwards and take a moment while the world stops.
Realising that while I try so hard for others that I am continually hurting myself. And at times seeing those people I tried for who didn’t try very hard for me. I have felt the disappointment in that even if I never shared it with them.
I’m completely empty.
Worn out and trying to protect myself so that I can continue to protect others.
So while I stop and rest and give myself another chance to find happiness beyond this crisis, if life allows me to, spare me a thought for all the tines I have been what’s required, that I have been fun and happy, that I have been warm and giving, that I have tried so hard to help others and be part of more, that I have been strength, and I have been kind and I have been loving.. .
And feel glad for me that I’m trying to give a little love to myself while there are many other hands to hold..
Knowing that I am always holding the hands of those i love, even if they don’t feel it.