Loss and worry

Today has been very sad and has also left me worrying.

My mum rang to tell me that T’s son had been found dead in his home.
She was in shock and very anxious.
I wanted to rush down to get her, to take her in my arms and hold her and tell her it would be ok but of course I can’t because we are trying to keep her safe.

Suddenly desperately trying to work out what to do. Our plan for my mum and T living together through this period felt like a good one. They both have underlying health conditions and it felt safer for them to isolate together and also have each other’s company.
My mum had vowed never to live with another mam again but they were doing pretty well together.. T is lovely to my mum. When I face timed them yesterday all was well, they both looked happy and healthy and I felt secure in knowing they had been on their own for 3 weeks now, safely cocooned from others.
They seemed pretty happy together in their little routine.
My mum cooking apple pies and doing her tv Zumba class and T chattering away and driving her mad while she was reading her book. He was singing her praises last night in how wonderful she is and how glad he is that she is there with him. “I’ll be taking your mum away somewhere lovely after this”. He said.
It’s the one thing that has been restful in my mind knowing that she was ok and tucked up tightly.

Until the police arrived on their doorstep and came into the house with the terrible and sad news that T’s son was dead. A stark reality. Followed by some grieving relatives a few hours later.
Suddenly I felt torn between the sadness and compassion for T”s loss and my inner panic in my mum no longer being isolated and not knowing what to do.
I feel so selfish thinking it but I love my mum so much and now I feel scared. Something that previously was more under control. They had isolated early and were ok. We had all been really strict in contacting by phone and face time and my bro getting their shopping and leaving it outside. Seeing her looking more herself in worrying a little less and finding her way in someone else’s home. Suddenly their isolation station has been broken by another devastating loss.
The reality of what this is hitting my closest.

As I walked through an empty forest to try and get my head together I felt so heavy and tired, as though I could feel all the sadness of the world held in the air making ever step I took an effort.
I felt like I wanted to lie underneath a tree and go to sleep so that I might avoid this awful devastation that is playing out around us and it all being completely out of our control.

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