“Life is a state of mind”.
Not quite sure what my state of mind is right now in comparison to others. I’m a bit all over the place, Still feeling sad and empty and then retreating into my own dreamy world that feels full of possibilities. Still feeling very disconnected from the many. Receiving an invitation for a virtual party which I politely declined. I think I’m all out of Skype meetings. I find it more tiring than enjoyable. Feeling more excired about an imaginary party that I’m going to at the weekend.
Whilst others I imagine are all on social media making new acquaintances in readiness for the floodgates to open and a multitude of epic post covid 19 inspired meet ups taking place, I find myself doing the opposite. Politely withdrawing from civilisation. Not wishing to be a part of anything beyond a few randoms I really love. But wondering if those few randoms will think I have lost the plot and disappear. I think perhaps I may have. Although I have nothing to compare it to so I’m telling myself Im perfectly normal.
Finding all my energy depleted in having to be what I need to be at home. Like a full time job in itself. It’s exhausting having to be the version of me that makes others happy 24/7
Volunteering giving me a lift. Chatting to real people on the phone who are all alone. I can do that, feel useful and it makes me happy too.
And thank goodness for my girl. She ,without question, is my sanity.
We laughed about what this life is right now. I feel like I have fast forwarded into the future and I am living the life of an old girl. Waking up at 5am and going to bed at 10. My girl said similar although as she put it “I feel like an old girl in a hot body” I’m guessing they are words every old girl would love to say if you could purchase a brand new shell and would bring a smile to every old boys face.
Anyways “life is a state of mind” are apparently the last words spoken from that film. The film i found by chance? Or was it?
I always feel like the universe works in strange and mysterious ways but saying that has always made my state of mind sound like some crazy alien.
But that song did just start playing of its own accord yesterday. Don’t ask me how? A song by a pianist that I love. A pianist that I took myself off to see in Milan just over a year ago because fate sent me there.
Another moment that is captured in one of those historic blog posts that exist amongst the many. Another mini adventure to somewhere I had not planned.
How different Milan and my life looked back then as I met my friend S for cocktails and dinner in my black sequin dress. Sitting in the middle of an Italian auditorium on my own to hear Einaudi play.
I felt so happy and excited on that trip. What has happened to that girl? Did I imagine her?
The universe seems to move me messily through life with indiscriminate sign posts along the way. The song I heard yesterday living beyond that moment as I today discovered the film that accompanied it.
A story about Chance.
Sometimes I listen in awe to people who are so well read and educated and seem to know it all. They can, very easily, leave me feeling as though I am not as good, not as clever, not as worthy in having a voice. Perhaps I feel overrun by that feeling in all those what’s app groups. They all seemed to know exactly what we should be doing to get through this. The experts in everything. Like a bigger version of a group that I detached from some time ago. i loved them like a family, then felt the effects of the family favourites and influentials that over time made me gradually withdraw and disappear so that it no longer made me feel not as good. But not being able to leave it completelly because then I look as through I have rejected them.
There will always be a huge but quiet sadness for me in that.
Anyways in moments like this I wonder if all those clever clogs In all their knowledge might miss out on these seemingly inconsequential stepping stones of connection..Pathways to discovering new things. A puzzle piece that has been caught up underneath many suddenly starting to show part of a picture that starts you on a little roll to finding a few more.
Where things that mean something to me, then reveal something new that I don’t know about but my curiosity makes me want to know more. Only to find that it has even more meaning than I had imagined.
I find myself not needing to see the film but wondering about it from the description. The concept alone (From gardener to potential president) fascinating me when I compare it to the thoughts i am floating in right now. From societal equilibrium to relationships.
I woke up to being told that I am probably removed from others because noone understands me.
Great! Thanks P
I was already feeling sad after face timing my mum before she went to sleep. She looked so tired and upset. I felt my heart breaking in seeing her like that But not being able to touch her or hold her hand or cuddle her. I could see the deep sadness in her eyes as they welled up and she choked them back to put on a brave face.
I felt completely helpless. Being virtually there for her doesn’t really cut it. I could say the right things but in reality all she wanted from me was a cuddle. A virtual one that was sent to her by my girl but lacked any feeling beyond the heartfelt intention of my girl.
I realise that I can’t do all this social media stuff. It has the opposite effect on me. It makes me want to withdraw even more.
How do people connect so easily on social media. What am I missing? Realising I need so much more than what that provides.
Perhaps people are so acclimatised to having relationships in that way that they are used to it.
But it leaves me cold and even more disconnected.
Not helped I’m sure by the fact that I am very tactile. I need real people for that.
I may not want to chat in groups but I think I would happily throw myself into an orgy right now.
So being told that no one understands me went down like.. well like the characters in my thoughts about that orgy.
I guess I do lose a lot of people along the way.. And also in choosing not to be a part of social media. This is as close as it gets in my anonymous red coat disguise.
I can’t help it.
It’s just feels like another pretend world and I already have one of those. And my one is full of dreamy wonderful.
I don’t want another virtual forum.
Plus when I step inside my home I like to close the door to the world and be quiet and invisible. Have the odd chat with my closest where I’m just me. But not have to be what others want me to be. Even though right now I’m living in that.
But I love doing the equivalent in real life.. talking to strangers on a train, smiling at people in the forest. Real and in the moment and then I move on. i never look to keep in touch unless we connect a little more in that moment.
It’s like I have my two besties from school who I meet up with. But I left the rest behind in That. moment. One reunion was enough to cement the fact that The majority were meaht to stay firmly in my past.
From my whole lifetime, ive left behind so many people from different jobs and being a mum. They were of that tune and moment and meant to remain a beautiful or not so beautiful memory.
Only the really specials survive. There just isn’t enough time in this life to be the kind of friend I wish to be to everyone. Kind and caring .. absolutely. But a friend that stays the distance.. . If you are my friend then then there is something very special about you to me. You are not just one of many, you are one of the few.
And after I cheered and clapped for all our incredbly brave health care professionals I then continued to clap for those special friends I have.
Because despite the fact that apparently no one understands me, you are still there for me and I am always there for you. You make the difference for me that a million others never could.
You help me to keep going and believe hat at some point I will