Two weeks in and I feel like I’ve finally got a grip on where I sit in all of this. I have to give myself a moment to feel it and to work our how I deal with it.
Ive been thinking a lot about 5 months ago when I made it to the other side. To that safe place. My world collapsed 4 months before and I struggled not to lose everything I ever worked for. All those years of blood sweat, tears and hard graft and going without. As I cried with relief in keeping that little bit of security that would have felt so insignificant to many, all I felt was complete relief and a thought that things could only get better. They can’t get no worse I thought.
Well it turned out that actually they could.
I learnt a lot through that period.
But i was also so tired. Tired of all those lessons. Tired of struggling. Tired of having to get through a birthday, Christmas, new year.Pretending that I was happy and life was normal.
Until suddenly life wasn’t normal for anyone and the whole world felt like it collapsed and I found myself trapped in a place 24/7. Which I wasn’t prepared for.
Even When you’re a troll called Poppy, there is a chance that your light might go out. I’m no poppy but my light went out.
I was proper struggling I won’t lie. Feeling like I should be more resilient. I know how to battle. Only I had nothing left. I felt empty Finding myself back where I started. Feeling like shit, like a nothing and that was my destiny. Impossible to ever really become more than where you come from. No matter how hard you try,
Until the weekend when I saw the sun burning through the clouds and I thought, I might actually be ahead in this game called life.
Because you need to Bed in. Like they say in the godfather. Go to the mattresses. Be prepared for the long haul. Those positive vibes will take you so far early doors, until things start to affect you personally, or the struggles become a little more real, or you feel completely alone in it, or the repetition of those struggles start to get you down, or you start to feel like it is never going to end and hope starts to dwindle, and belief washes away and you feel oh so very weary,
And suddenly that positive is shaken to its very core and you have to dig a little bit deeper, and reach a little bit higher and find its not enough so you have to keep searching to the very depths for even more. If you’ve never had to scrap in life then you might start to feel the burn.
So I found myself thinking “I know how to do this. I know how to get to the other side and survive it”.
The circumstances may be different but the feelings are all the same. And I’ve felt them all. And when I saw that sun bursting through those dark clouds I knew it. I’m on repeat.
But I scrapped my way through it and I can do that again.
And as I lay in the garden on my lounger yesterday Smiling in the subshine I felt so very lucky and grateful. For still having the flat, for having a garden where I could sit in the sun, A forest that I cross the road to walk into, a beautiful girl who is just getting on with it and helping, having my magical mum who is coping, and the most beautiful friends in the whole wide universe that have looked out for me but more so that make me feel happy in their company and in their lovely gestures, having a job that allows me to pay my bills. Just being alive
There are real challenges for sure but there are others around me and across the world whose challenges make mine look easy. But here lies the difference for me this time. None of this is my fault. Im not holding a feeling of being responsible.
And as I see everyone having to dig a ltttle deeper everywhere it feels ok to let P have to do the same. That he has to be in charge of himself, and get on with it just like everyone else. Only I will of course still help him but I no longer feel responsible for him.
Because I equally have to do the same. And while I’m doing it I’m going to try to be happy.
In amongst the sadness of people’s losses and the carnage of people’s lives, I’m going to try and find my happiness beyond where I sit. Not in that showing off, look at me, this is how you should do it, kind of way as though I’m not scared or worried or sad. But in that quiet way that says I’m alive and I owe it to those who aren’t to be grateful for that and make the very best of it. Knowing that I have anorher chance, another opportunity to make choices again. Choices for myself. To try again for that happiness I found. To be who I want to be, where I want to be. To not feel like a prisoner anymore who is responsible for everyone else’s happiness other than my own.
And maybe if I am really lucky to find love. Crazy ridiculous want to stay in bed with me all day love.
And I can feel a sense of freedom starting to appear. A sun shining through that dark cloud that says you have possibilities again.
Everything about my weekend gave me inspiration in knowing even with absolutely nothing that I can still be something.
And my first place to start is in trying to help others.
Back to my clients, two new volunteering opportunities I have accepted and looking out for those that I love so much.
When I thought I was the girl that was unable to make changes, life rolled in and said yes you can.
So when the time is right I will, and in the meantime I’m just gonna try and focus on helping
This one is for you L. Just because I love ya!