The Carousel

As my phone gets clogged up with downloaded apps so I can work from home i needed to clean it up.
So I started with all the photos. Deleting attachments from group chats.
As I was working my way back through a photo history of my last few years I Suddenly felt incredibly down.
Seeing myself on new adventures that I fought so hard for Remembering all the hurt that was interwoven in amongst those moments of happiness.
Caring about others who didn’t really give a shit about me.
Thinking about how much I struggled. I can see it so clearly from the pictures in knowing exactly how I was feeling in that moment. For what?
For being right back at the beginning as though none of that ever happened.
As though It was a figment of my imagination . Taken away in a moment.
Is this how other people will feel after this?
Feeling a massive sense of loss.
I look so happy in the photos. So many magic memories. Feeling annoyed now that I wasn’t allowed to just enjoy them. All tinged with guilt as selfish was being thrown at me at every turn. Leaving me feeling like I wasn’t a nice person. In moments feeling like if I hadn’t had my girl I could so easily have bailed. Still feeling so much hurt from it all. Feelings that are so raw as I sit here and start to cry. Remembering that desperation in knowing I had no choice. Pretending to people I knew so I didn’t have to explain or worry anyone.
Removing people so that I could cope. Sitting on a swing in the dark and pouring rain feeling completely alone.

I’m trying so hard to feel all the positives. That I was lucky to have that time. Do all those wonderful things and spend time with those people.
Think that maybe the universe was protecting me indirectly. Putting me where I needed to be In advance of this. Wondering what that sliding door version would look like. P with no job and no money, my girl stressed out from worrying about him. I would have just been starting out anew but would have had to step in.
Maybe u was always destined to find myself at this point. But why? Did I not deserve to be happy?
The reality of life. It doesn’t care who you are or what you do.

It is hard to hold on to it without wanting to cry. Seeing that girl in those photos and wondering if I have in fact missed that chance of being her. I had it for a moment and then it was gone.
Quickly followed by knowing there are nearly 7000 people in just my own country that won’t get a chance to try.

Doing the lottery. Thinking, maybe I will win and be able to get get a little place of my own. Nothing flash, just something I can make my own in the way I would have it.
With a room for my girl as she returned during holidays from uni. And my friends staying over and maybe having parties. Dancing every weekend.

Are we all now wishful thinking about how we will survive after this.

Yesterday I felt like a child. Trying to feel any little bit of happiness I could. Being silly and dreamy and playful. Knowing how important it is to grab those little moments and make them everything.
Thinking about the people who were a big part of those happy moments with me.

Trying to let all those little hurts wash away in what feels so small in amongst everything else. Unimportant in the scheme of my life and the world beyond.

I guess I’m just tired from waking up in the middle of the night. Waking up at 4am and finding myself walking in the forest before the sun comes up.
Gratitude gratitude gratitude. I feel it every morning in being alive and my loved ones being ok, In having all those things that others don’t have.
But i can’t pretend i don’t feel the hurt that sits underneath. Trying to push through.
Trying to be happy.
But feeling life I am going round in circles

So In my tiredness I will imagine I am on a carousel.
And courtesy of a beautiful description by my friend K earlier today a carousel in Paris.
To dream is everything.

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