I left really early for a walk today. Knowing that others need their exercise and taking mine when it’s so quiet and peaceful and I would cross paths with very few people.
I was not really in that place for integrating with the world.
Preferring to just walk very quietly listening to the birds, the breeze, my footsteps, my breathing, my heart.
And then playing some gentle and soothing songs that hold meaning for me in different ways. In certain people or times or places.
Inside my heart felt as warm as the sun, but overwhelmingly I felt full of sadness.
When I sat down in a place I know that is hidden in plain sight and listened to the sound of peace I received a message from my friend in Milan.
The first of many messages that have followed on this Easter Sunday morning.
And yet In amongst the crowd I only chose to read and respond or send to those who are really special to me. The people that I truly love and have huge care for.
The ones who always matter to me not just on those special occasions.
Not that I don’t care about the others. But I would not miss them in the same way. We make choices with our hearts even if we are not in control of them.
I will respond the others later.
My Italian dreamer wished me safe on this special day in her world. One that I relate to but holds less of the importance than it once did when I was a little girl. Only those parables, that still resonate with me many years later. Stories that are shared with other religions.
I remember the day that I sat with someone who in all their external differences was in fact a mirror version of myself and chose to tell a story from the Quran that was the equivalent of a favourite of mine from the bible.
The bible version being the woman of ill repute who was condemned to be stoned. “Let he without sin cast the first stone”
He could tell that the story meant similar to me. I grew up always feeling like I never wanted to cast that first stone or the ones beyond. Life can make it difficult can’t it. I’ve cast a few of those stones. Not so much at individuals although I’ve had moments, but more at society when I think about how this world seems to function. It’s hard to just turn a blind eye or not judge. Why can’t we make it wonderful for everyone? Is that so crazy? And yet who am I to judge. I’m part of it.
My other favourite story being Jesus and the Pharisees in the temple. Im not sure exactly why this has always resonated so much but it is definitely
Something to do with the hypocrisy of words and actions.
I always think it must be beautiful and reassuring at a time like this to have that faith.
I believe in something, something more. I just don’t what that is. But something that is good.
I have however always loved those stories because they made me think. Made me wonder about who I was and who I wanted to be. Even as a little kid. I could be quite deep in the dreamy.
As I left that tranquil resting place I walked back. People had woken and it was a little busier.
As I walked I passed a lady who threw across a really genuine and heartfelt smile. I’ve seen her a few times on my walks now. She seems nice.
And as she passed and smiled I felt myself get all choked up and start to cry. With people coming at me from all directions I ducked into the trees to save myself from embarrassment. And weirdly falling into a place I have made my own little church in the forest known to me as the Forest club. A place where I can dance and twirl in the trees. Kicking the leaves and spinning on the poles and giving it everything on the podiums. No holds barred. Completely uninhibited. Laying it all out there. Who cares. My church is one of songs and dancing and happiness. But today I sat down very quietly on that podium and I cried. I let the tears cascade down my face like a child would.
I couldn’t tell you exactly what I was crying for.. everything I think.. my own sadnesses, those of people I love, a sadness for all those lives washed away around the world leaving an ocean of many tears and the heaviness of missed goodbyes in those left behind.
It was a perfect place to cry. I felt safe in those tears. A place that feels special in what it represents for me.
The Moulin Rouge.
Truth, Beauty, Freedom, Love.
Spring time, Easter is a time of new beginnings and yet right now I feel like I am no mans land.
So I will quietly just think about all those I hold so dearly.
You are Loved ❤️ so very very Loved.