I am being taken to some very deep places. Places that are primal and stripped back to the very basics of being a human and things I don’t usually talk about. Not due to embarrassment but because it feels private and intimate. But sex is what has been on my mind. And as this has been the overriding feeling in me I can either pretend and write about something else or just throw it in the ring with all my other rambles.
But I think I will start and end with something gentle. My friend sends me a beautiful image or thought or film most days. I love her shares so much. They contain love and care. I feel it surrounding her choices and also the share in what we find beautiful and inspiring. It makes me so happy on many levels. So my start will be the romantic image of a couple in a boat where the woman who appears so gentle and feminine is carrying a red balloon whilst looking dreamily at the man. I wonder how that compares to how she viewed it. I will ask her.
So I have certainly been feeling to the very depths of what it is to be a woman in all my sexual desires. They say that it is a big part of a Scorpio woman’s persona. I don’t know about the Scorpio part, I don’t think I’ve ever stung anyone in the way we apparently do. (But I am loyal, protective, deep thinking and I do have a quiet strength that protects the gentle) but I definitely feel that passion. And sex is important to me. Without it I feel frustrated.
And after hearing a similar stirring from my friend and wondering how many other people were in that boat I found myself researching the effects of Covid 19 on the consumption of porn. And in that process of research I found myself very turned on. It became less about knowledge and more about a need to fulfil my own needs and desires.
I spent a while learning some new things for myself.
I’m gonna need more batteries.
As much attention as I pay to the details of others and all that is around me, I can give effort to understanding the workings of myself in what stimulates me in body and mind.
There are worse things to spend your time doing during this crisis. I’ve never been much good at drawing or baking.
Although I did make an orgasmic chocolate fudge cake a couple of days ago that was so moist it melted in the mouth.
I showed the cake to D.
To provide a smile. Smiles and happiness are the thing I most love to create for the people that I love in whatever form that comes in.
Anyways Ive never really explored the world of porn other than the odd movie. And they were more comedy old style. The sort that would inhabit my own head where you turn up as the sensible and serious character until suddenly you are shaking your hair out and performing acts that weren’t in that secretarial job description.
So I just googled and the amount available was incredible. I felt like a teenage boy with his dad overseeing purely for parental guidance.
I thought about my girl who is so sweet and very beautiful. Looking like a model as she trots off to parties. Feeling upset at the times that men shout things at her from their cars as she walks along as though she is fair game. I wondered what effects porn has on young kids that can find anything.
The hard stuff.
Not like my brother causing an incident when he was nine and went missing. He finally turned up in the woods with another boy in his class looking at porno mags. I know he loves that story best of all the trouble he got into when we were kids. He actually went on to become a porn empresario when he was 13 as he sold tickets for a porn film shown in the lecture theatre at school. I am laughing so much as I think back to the thought of lots of 13 -16 year old boys with their lunch boxes during a lunch hour before biology. I expect they learnt more in that lunch hour.
He was suspended for that one.
I spoke to him last night as he sent me a link to A.rmin van Buuren to make me smile. A favourite of mine who makes me feel do free when I hear his music along with R. ussel Brand Who was on celebrity bake off and is probably my favourite celeb. He just makes me smile when he smiles. I love his cheeky boyish fun that would make me laugh all day long. A sex addict in the past I’m guessing he knows a thing or two about porn.
And he was crowned star baker admitting that he will be wearing nothing but that winning apron. Love him!
Anyways my bro knew I was feeling sad with all sorts of stuff and that we have a bit of a week ahead of funerals that can’t be attended.
You couldn’t meet a lovelier person. K. is Proper easy going but even he has been shaken by this.
One of the few people in my family that I really trust. We are very close. He is very protective of me and has worried about me over the past few years. I often hold stuff back so as not to worry him.
I passed that same link on to my friend who I knew had been there. Little connections.
Anyways I digress again as I think now how those same teenage boys who were telling me how great my bro was, would now be able to access it all from home. But not the tame stuff in that lecture theatre.
The longer I researched the more easy it was to find yourself in a world of really aggressive sex that breaks the rules of what’s permitted in society.
I’m still at the heart a fairy tale girl even in all my desires.
The thought of being seen in that way makes me shudder. And as I read about virtual reality it begged the question between virtual and reality.
As for the novelty stuff, well I just found it weird but I guess it will float someone’s boat. There was a whole thing about covid 19 gang bangs where they were in Masks and gloves and suits. Are people really turned on by that? Apparently it’s the equivalent of seasonal porn like Christmas or Easter. Nothing really shocks me, well until this virus ripped through the world. I just can’t get my head around that and probably why I’m swimming in a world of porn. It feels easier to make sense of and accept.
When I read the effects that the virus had on the actual porn industry it felt like a double edged sword. Increasing the demand but halting the making of new stuff for fear of infection.
Even porn stars have to self isolate.
As I took a walk the next day my mind was buzzing with all the things I had learnt. I like my mind to be taken down other unfamiliar avenues that open my mind in different ways as well as providing some momentary light relief. I am one of those people that have been struggling. Run down from my previous challenges. And trying to find my way through as best I can.
And rather than imaging what this world will look like after this has passed I will imagine myself as the Fairy Tale Porn Star in just red coat.
My closing image being the gentleness of the sea lapping onto the sand quietly as though all frustrations are washed away. The perfect feeling!