Open hearted warrior

I love that I have my blog. I can use it to vent, or as a place to put feelings that I might normally carry, or to say what other people sometimes wouldn’t want to hear because it’s not the opinions of the majority, or to get rid of emotions or thoughts that sometimes only exist for a moment and then disappear.
Over time it has evolved. And in times of crisis and challenges it has often been the only outlet for me to be able to release emotions that hurt.
I often am told by people how strong I am. Perhaps. I definitely am able to battle through all sorts of things and crawl out the other side. The last few years reminding of that strength I developed as a kid.
But behind that is someone who feels things very deeply. Who hides am intensity of feeling that others would fear. And feels that hurt when she is quietly alone. Because I really do care. Too much. Always have. I was that kid at school who made friends with all the kids that weren’t part of the “in crowd” and would happily get into a scrap if anyone tried to hurt them.
Fearless in that moment. Don’t mess with me or my friends and crying like a little baby when no one would see me. Never let them see you weak.
So showing my weaknesses and my flaws and my hurts was something very new a few years back. And it does make me feel more insecure and vulnerable. Instead of feeling that inside it is right there for others to see.
It’s bloody scary but real.

Sometimes I take risks in saying things a certain way. As someone I love said to me. Just one word can mean something different to different people. What a minefield every time you open your mouth in not hurting someone else. Because once you say something you can’t take it back. Even if your mind changes or it wasn’t meant in that way.

It’s like arguments when people say something in the heat of the moment. Once it’s out there it’s out there. It can change everything in just a moment. One word.
And people in my experience can be very fickle. You’re flavour one minute and then you are old news.

It’s why I value who I value so much. I think they can see me beyond the words I say and see the person that sits at the very core. They know that I have a good heart and that I care.
That’s how it looks for me the other way round.
That’s not to say that it never goes wrong in moments. But I guess if you know someone has a good heart and they care about you it feels much easier to resolve those misunderstandings. We are all different. Respecting those differences and finding a way of allowing those to roll together in harmony is a lovely thing even if Sometimes it takes a moment to work that out.

I am the version that sits on the surface that i put out to the world. It’s completely real. The stuff that I throw in my blog are often my secret hidden inner feelings. The private stuff that we all feel but rarely say in case we hurt others or we are rejected.

There are only 3 close friends who read my blog. Everyone else is a stranger. But I do still have lots of moments of worry in what those 3 friends might think of me in my honesty of the moments .
Will they judge me? Will they think she’s not who I thought she was? Will they question why they are friends with me? Will they think I’m not very nice?
Will they still like me?
My blog often makes me feel insecure in putting so much personal out there when others keep it safely under wraps.
There have been moments when I have been harsh in my opinions. Especially when it comes to equality. Worrying about offending others in my truths. I am only so honest because I care so much about it. I care about people at such a deep level. Feeling I can’t just jump on a bandwagon if I don’t feel it. I trust in my views coming from the best place. Experiences and observations that are steeped in a wish for something better for everyone.
Every now and then I will see my views appear somewhere in the mainstream. From a person that people like and respect and listen to.
And it will make me feel better. Yesterday I read a quote that came from that celebrity bake off champ, Russell that I love so much.

“When I was poor and I complained about inequality I was told I was bitter. Now I’m rich and I complain about inequality I’m told I’m a hypocrite. I’m starting to think that they just don’t want to talk about inequality”.

It made me really happy when I saw it.

In the world I live in, to assert views that might sometimes be controversial would just see me in constant conflict. And I just could not be dealing with it. I would be upset all the time. I never want to hurt others and opinions and thoughts hurt. I feel it when people give me theirs. It takes a lot of trust and certainly requires a feeling of inner confidence and security. It’s easy for things to land in a place that can leave someone feeling hurt. I’m less of a people pleaser and more of a keep my mouth shut.
And yet I have taken that risk with one particular friend. We are different for sure but I like them so very much and I trust in what we share.
That openness and honesty is a gift but it also feels pretty scary.

The people who don’t take those risks are still happily there as friends.
And sometimes I think,
Maybe I should take that route. It looks so much safer.
But I love being able to have those conversations that require a trust and openness that doesn’t exist in many relationships and makes me feel closer to them. A special quality that is very rare. Am I always completely easy in it. No!! When faced with their risk in being open recently, all my insecurities went into overdrive. I felt small, vulnerable with a need to protect myself. With mixed feelings of being happy in them taking that risk and then questioning myself. Being open in both directions requires bravery. Don’t give what you can’t take as they say.
And yet given a moment to let it really land I will always come and hold hands again because that’s how I’m made especially when I love someone. Because the real stuff, the important stuff, the bit that has real value for me and makes me love a person is what sits deep inside.
Knowing that they felt safe enough to tell me felt like a lovely thing. Those little shares are the things that make life magic for me. And I guess when it has a chance to filter through my protective strength warrior to the gentle girl who sits underneath she will always take it in and try to understand especially if it comes from a good place.
And right now, In this crazy moment we are living in, having a safe place to say the good and the bad has never been more important.
I’m a safe place.

Maybe life is too short to reveal the stuff that sits underneath.
Maybe life is easier and more fun by just throwing out the people pleasing version. But imagine the loss in keeping all the beauty that comes in different forms hidden inside.

I’m brave enough to hold it all for those I love and who love me back.
It’s always a two way street. So bring it on 😊

Last night I asked my friend what she saw in the opening image of my last post.
Her response was filled with so much, that it blew me away. If I had never asked I would never have known and I would have missed something truly wonderful and perfect.

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