The Quiet and Hidden Journey

Today I made a start on trying to change things by finding my voice and explaining to P what I need.
Space and freedom to just take care of myself and my girl while he does the same.
It’s a small space to live in but I need to have my part of it while we have to live this way.
Not having to worry about his feelings so that I can just take care of my own.
Mentally exhausted and he knows it. But I’m slowly trying to take back control. Which firstly just means me taking care of me in every single way without taking any feelings of selfishness or not being a good person.
A client sent me a message just before this lockdown, telling me I was special and one of life’s givers. I have been told that a few times now by clients which actually never stops being appreciated. I don’t give for that reason but it sure does feel nice when someone sees it and appreciates it. I have had friends and family who have taken and taken and never given me a second thought. So when people do, it means the absolute world to me.
Because I really do care and I always try my very hardest.
But right now it’s all about me (and my girl always) so that I can try to fix this red coated girl that is so alive and full of life and fun and all the other things that make up this little package of unique. And I’m not going to feel guilty in that.
I’ve done a good share of giving to have a balance in the account to give to myself.
I’m going to try not to feel guilty in that as I see all the sacrifices that others are making.
So today it is a movie afternoon with my girl complete with snacks and pampering followed by my forest walk.
And just in vocalising it and staking my claim in what I want for me I feel a little sense of well-being.
Feeling so tired but knowing I can sleep when I want, do what I want, go where I want (well in my dreams at least) without having to explain anything more, or have a plan beyond today, or be anything beyond me.
I’m in preparation for what lies ahead. Building my strength back up so I can do what is right for me when the time comes.
To find my own sense of well-being physically, mentally and spiritually.
All I want is to be free to be me. Not a lot to ask for really and today is my first tiny step on this quiet and hidden journey.

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