I felt my fortune as ever in having the forest this weekend. Choosing an evening walk yesterday and returning just as it was getting dark and this morning setting off in the sunshine.
I needed to get rid of my frustration with the global machine first so I could just focus on the frustration in losing myself. In feeling so damaged.
Some images sent to me yesterday by K that left me captivated and mesmerised. They resonated so much. They always do. They did all fit together. She was absolutely right. The last one in particular left me feeling so hopeful. That if I can just find my strength to take those initial steps again that I can rise up like the magical girl I am where the rain represents the same magic in life as it does in that forest.
A similar feeling from a yesterday evening as I stood in the same spot as a picture taken over 100 years ago that L sent me I loved the connection to boats. A time that felt like it was perhaps made for a girl like me in all my old fashioned and quiet romance and gentleness. I’m not sure it will ever fit in this modern world.
The images shared with me that I appreciate so much in their thoughts, held so much for me in my own interpretations of why I felt them so strongly.
Although I’m not feeling so powerful or strong right now. But as soon as I step into that forest I feel the parts of myself that are struggling to exist and survive in the world I live in.
In that forest they come alive. All those different parts of me like playful nymphs in all their magic within and bringing that world alive with them too.
Today was a perfect example of it as I found an addition to forest club in the form of the woodland bar. I danced on that bar and then felt the vibrations of sound through my whole body on the podium that moves with me. I had so much fun as I twirled and jumped and threw my head back like I was in some crazy music video.
And given the tunes by my phone one after the other as though it knew exactly where I was and what I needed. Feeling every part of myself.
I smiled the whole time I was there and then as I danced along the path, sharing that same smile with people who I could tell felt my joy and wanted a piece of it. If only I could capture that feeling and take it outside of the forest. But right now that is the place it exists and I never feel so free, uninhibited and happy as I do when I’m there.
I come alive in ways that others don’t see. My gentleness surrounding it all. Carefree with flowers in her hair and a little dress that leaves her feeling safely naked as the light catches the delicate fabric.
What a beautiful feeling to feel so safe and free for the girl that requires so much protection in the world at large, but feels everything she is, and requires no protection at all in that world. Completely alone, but safe in the comfort of feeling so at home and part of everything that surrounds her.
I found myself struggling to leave today with squirrels running round me and birds singing and imagining being magically turned into a permanent part of that place. I sound crazy I am sure. But if crazy makes me that happy then I will take it.
As I lay listening to the song my friend gave me I floated to a place where anything was possible. Where I could share that feeling and be so free in it.
Fuck me.. I think as I write this I’m turning myself on in the thoughts of where I was taken in that moment as I lay there
As I walked back and got closer to home I felt the need to stop. To just stand still which I did.
I stood still right in the middle of a green plain and closed my eyes and felt the sun shining directly on to me. Initially I could feel everyone passing me walking or on bikes and then I just felt my feet firmly planted in that spot and the heat of the sun warning my hair and my face. It felt so peaceful. I was there for around fifteen minutes I guess, just standing still with my eyes closed. A part of the world but owning my spot. Looking up at the sun and not caring who was around me. Happy in the peace of being still, with the sun on me and hearing a song “only believe” that has become a favourite for me lately and was playing in that moment.
I feel it so much but I don’t know why and in that moment peacefully connected to myself.
It felt like a good first step.