How strange that I just bumped into my gentle giant. Just as I was coming out of the forest. He’s not local but it used to be on his bike route when we worked together.
What a sight for sore eyes. Looking exactly as he always does with beard and flat cap and towering up into the clouds.
It was the strangest feeling. A smile from both sides in how nice it was to see each other.
In fact there was something really perfect in his timing.
This is M who sent you the book he said to his girl who was so very shy and hanging on to his leg. Yep he is a very safe place to be I thought.
How time passes and we are in new places.
Well him not me. I am so aware of that and seeing him made me feel it even more. As I was walking I was listening to a tune called no mans land and thinking that for all I try to unravel it makes no real difference. Because right now I don’t have the ability to Make a single change of any real substance. I am existing in a life that I fell back into through necessity and am held into through circumstance. In fact my life looks and feels like a complete car crash.
He was looking so family man with his partner and daughter. Unchanged but changed.
Living a new life of responsibility. He looked well. It suited him. He was never a crazy party guy. I liked him for that very fact. He was interesting to talk with. I liked being in his company. I felt safe in it.
Never the perfect guy for me in a romantic sense. I need a little more spark and passion. But perfect In friendship for feeling safe. That feeling that I look for and generally forms the foundations of most of my relationships.
I certainly know what the difference looks like. I also know what it is like to be pursued by danger and feel the electricity of that but hold it at bay. Half a lifetime of that until I went missing which felt like a sideline blessing. To find myself back in that place on NY Eve and not wishing for complications that I don’t want or need saw me coming into a new year feeling like everything was just as I had left it.
My heart is very simple by all accounts. When I fall in love that’s it. All sorts of variations might attempt to look like that but when i really feel it then Im all in. You would need to be blind not to see it. But as Little Italy reminded me, I will happily give out love but I won’t beg or try to earn it in return.
You either feel it or you don’t. That’s the beauty of love. You can’t tell it
Anyways it was like no time had passed since I BH. Although I did only speak to him a few weeks ago just after all this stuff kicked off.
He was going with the flow he said. He is logical but he is also very laid back. other qualities I like.
But the timing in being in that same spot in that same moment was one of those serendipitous things.
If ever I needed to see someone, who has the ability to make me feel like I’m a person worth knowing then he has that quality.
I could not have been happier to bump into him. And left feeling like a friendship that had lacked some real visibility in recent times was just as magic as it always was but in a modern day family version. It made me very happy.
But has left me with the question I never want to ask myself.
Why do I gravitate towards safety and security when being free spirited, and passionate and fun are the things that turn me on in life.
And after seeing the safety of BH as I was walking back to where I feel so completely trapped after being in the forest where I feel so completely free has left me wondering what the hell do I do and how do I do it.
I’m in need of a massive leap of faith in trying to be more.. trying to be me .. but I don’t know where to even start. That crash and burn wiped me out.
It hurt more than everything that had happened through the previous couple of years.
Why? Because back in that moment I knew I had done the right thing. I just found the courage i needed to make the change. Not wanting to hurt others but not wanting my life to pass me by without living and feeling it.
And in the moments I wasn’t dealing with all the backlash from that decision and struggling through all the practicalities I was happy. I was finding my way. I was scared. It was all new. What just seemed like simple Independence to some was something I was having to figure out and learn again. Having those powers to make choices and decisions about me felt a little overwhelming to begin with. I met P when I was 21. I did lots of stuff on my own but he was always the safety. Safety I never felt before him.
Feeling completely naive in so much but finding every Little thing exciting because of that very thing. Everything was new and I wanted to try it all. I still feel that all the time.
And as my confidence grew a little more I had more ideas of things I might try. Until that confidence was taken away in a moment as everything I had gradually built through blood sweat and tears was washed away. All of it for nothing. I was left stunned on the back of that for months. Completely frozen to the spot as though surrounded by land mines.
But this virus is a landmine that everyone is trying not to step on to a greater or lesser degree. And weirdly has provided a moment for me to catch my breath and bandage up some of my wounds.
What I want to get to is that girl who was living in the real world before. The girl who held all of the elements that make me strong but gentle, dreamy but real, romantic but passionate, frivolous but responsible, fun but chilled, quiet but confident, scared but brave, light but deep with a whole lot of scoops of kind and caring. As well as that most special ingredient which surrounds me and runs deep inside me, called Love.
What I’m looking for is some strength and courage and a feeling that I won’t be completely on my own in it.