Yesterday as I was silently part of a group meeting, sitting on my kitchen worktop looking out of the window, wondering what it was all about, feeling like a complete nobody and thinking what was the point of being in this world, my friend the psych gave me a shout out.
Right at the end as we were all signing off.
He commented to everyone that he had feedback from some people who know a thing of two about selflessly helping others. They had told him how much I helped them. I’m not sure what I did. I always try to help anyone if they need it.
But in that tiny moment of recognition I cried. After I left the meeting of course but I told my friend the psych.
He said to me “it’s because you really care. You will never lose that. So remember this in those dark moments of self doubt and fight for the next minute/hour/day”.
Anything he ever says to me always holds so much weight. He is no fluffy bullshitter who wastes words he doesn’t mean. It always comes from a place of real strength and a vast amount of real life experience that I can’t even begin to imagine. It makes him one of the strongest and wisest people I’ve ever met but who also possesses a compassion that isn’t visible to some because it doesn’t come in that way that most people recognise it but is so very evident to me. His passion for everything he does shows exactly how much he cares and every now and then comes out in ways other people recognise, when the emotion catches him.
He is pretty mighty and anytime he refers to me as his friend it makes me feel happy and very privileged to have met him. A dad like quality that has helped me in different moments.
I continued to cry on and off for the next two hours as I walked through the forest in the rain which was completely empty. The sunshine had disappeared and so had everyone’s desire to be part of it.
I know that feeling.
It had its purpose when it was providing a beautiful place to be in the sun but when the clouds rolled over and everything looked a little more bleak, the crowds disappear.
In that moment yesterday I was glad they weren’t there. I was able to just be alone and as I was, in a place I love, and just feel sad and cry without having to cover it up so as not to bother anyone else.
It felt nice to just cry in the rain. Like crying amongst a world full of tears. Feeling at one point like I just wanted to lie down under a tree in a place where I feel safe and free and be taken into it. To just disappear.
So tired of always feeling like there is something wrong with me. Of feeling like I’m not good enough. Of working hard and trying my best only to find that it is never enough. That I’m always missing something. That I’m not quite good enough.
As though they are all oh so amazing.
I guess the proof is in the pudding right! The people who have it all.
Confidence, success, money, friends, family, Love.
As I said to the psych, I could not feel more of a failure in life right now but I’m trying. That hearing his shout out made a difference to just keep on trying.
Trying my hardest to find my way back up. To feel like more. Willing myself to find that self belief but as hard as I tell myself I just can’t quite get to it. Tired out in just trying to get through each day let alone push for more. Knowing that while P and my girl get irritated with me during the day in not being available, Im just trying my best to focus on my job. The job that will pay our bills. Unable to separate the two in such a confined space. Feeling like I am trapped in a life that there is no escape from other than when I walk into the forest. Feeling guilt every single day for not being able to give P what he wants from me and in the process not being able to even love myself.
Detaching from anything that provides happiness because it just makes me feel even less that I am. Totally insecure in not being enough for that world either.
While others might be finding themselves I feel like I am losing myself. Holding on to all of the times in my life that I have cared about others and how that is just a part of me. The part that makes life so much harder and sees me so very alone and invisible most of the time. But yesterday just for a moment, was recognised by someone in a way that held real value for me.
Fight a little harder he said.
I will try.