Beautiful Wonder

I once heard someone say “she’s one of those suicidal types”.

I was that once when I was young. Not able to deal with all the traumas and hurts that made me feel like I was nothing. Finding myself in a moment where I was hurt again and it took me to a place of no return. Feeling like it was the only way to escape from being a person that it was ok to hurt. Feeling it all in every way a person can. Feeling such unbearable pain that just wouldn’t stop. I just wanted it to stop. To be able to leave it all behind and walk to somewhere nicer where no one would ever hurt me again. They say a person doesn’t realise the finality of it. I knew. I wanted that finality. What I couldn’t see was any hope for better. For more.
All I could see was more of the same.
Feeling like there was something wrong with me. Weak, stupid, not good enough.
In fact I was none of those and I wasn’t a “suicidal type”. I was just a girl with a heart who felt everything and could not switch off her feelings.
And being quiet, caring, gentle, kind was not an excuse for people to hurt that. Toughen up they say. To feel it makes you weak. As though you ask for it and it must be a fault in you.
I hear that a lot actually.
I was saved in that moment. Given a second chance in being alive. Having to fight a little harder to find my way through all the hurts to a better place.
Thar better place holding a wish to take care of others. To try to help them so that they might never feel that way.
Happily living life and bringing happiness to others. How wonderful that felt for such a long time. People laughed when I said, I love them, they are my favourite. Everyone’s your favourite they would say. Yes they are. I just cared about everyone.
And how lucky I felt in that.

Until I hit a roadblock. In all my good intentions and naively walking into something with no thought of what that might entail. I ended up hurting myself very deeply.
But in the interests of seizing that moment and living my life I pushed it all down and kept on going. Seeing my whole life disintegrating and having to rebuild. Wishing at times that I could disappear like that young girl but knowing that would never be an option. I could never do that to my girl, the people I love or to myself. I value life way too much to ever throw it away.
There is no such thing as a suicidal type.
But it hasn’t stopped me from feeling those feelings. From feeling so alone and lost and hurt in the things that have kicked me all over the place and found me struggling to see a way through it all.
Hiding the depths of how I was feeling so I didn’t appear weak and stupid and not good enough.

But also with that knowledge that there is always a way, even when I can’t see it.

Knowing that sometimes the fight is just to hold on. Hold on to that little part of me that wants to find a way through and Is just waiting and looking with frustration for that gap to show itself. Feeling breathless from fighting all the feelings of others past and present which I take in and make me doubt the value of who I am.
I am a girl who wants so much to be part of all those tiny little joys of life that are often overlooked and seem insignificant but are in fact completely incredible and are the differences in making a person smile. Even if just for a moment.
How I appreciate those simple things and even more so the people that have the rare gift to create a similar effect.
To watch a beautiful sun set is a moment of pleasure in itself. But it doesn’t ever stop me wishing to see it rise again the next morning.

I feel so tired right now. I know I am going through a process of feeling all of it. Something I have had no time to do properly, but has finally caught up with me. So that I can’t run anymore. Needing to heal myself so that I can be everything I wish to be. The more I cry the more I feel that I am ridding myself of all the hurt and sadness that I have been carrying for the past 3 years. Needing to just allow that to happen so that I can continue on in a life as the girl who is happy and smiley and kind and who also has lots of fun. I always loved being her.

I hate that my few closest have seen the opposite. How often I wish they only knew the girl that came in between. Being witness to the parts that others never reveal. How Perfect they look.

My version of that was never perfect but she was pretty awesome.
If you look hard enough you will still be able to glimpse her. She’s never disappeared. She’s just been buried …  but for those who care enough to stick around, eventually the time will come when they will catch her in the world in all  her beautiful wonder living life to the full.

And using this experience to help others as they try to get there too.

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