All part of one life

How weird how one question can take you on a little journey.
Last night I fell asleep to a sunset and this morning rose up like the sun itself. It was nice to have that feeling.
I’m feeling like just maybe, I’m not sure, that  i might have got rid of all those stored up tears now. I think I created a whole new pond in the forest out of those. I sure do feel better on the back of getting them all out of my system. I think I even shed a couple of tears for snuggles the hamster 😂
I bought him for my girl but really he was for me. I asked for one every single Christmas but never got one. Fish being my friends.
I think snuggles was the hamster that was always meant to join me in life. He broke out of his cage several times and then fell off the top of the cage onto the floor. Splat! He was concussed a couple of times and we thought it was all over and then he suddenly came back to life. Running back on that wheel and eating sunflower seeds. Never happier than let loose in that little bubble ball, exploring the flat and going missing and getting stuck behind something that he couldn’t find his way out of. When he finally died he was tucked up in a little ball covered in fluffy stuff looking very cute, very peaceful but very dead. I buried him in the forest. Nutter!

Anyways I found myself taken to a time in my life a few days ago that was put in my mind by a different question as I found myself thinking a lot about self doubt. Why do some people seem so very self assured. As though they have it all down. And yet I question and doubt myself all the time.
Which then makes me doubt my worth in relationships with others. I’ve been thinking a lot about all my relationships and how I feel within them. Like one big photo album. I’m sifting through the lot while I have this time so that when I’m finally let loose I can live life exactly as I wish to live it. Wanting to live it like I’m permanently in the forest. In a way that feels free and fun and happy and completely and purely beautiful. That feels me without having to apologise for it.
Just being happy, loving, caring, kind and having fun. It’s not like Im a psycho murderer trying to get out. Or am I? 😂
Nope I’m super simples really with a little fluff, a little edge, a little cheek and a whole truck load of Love.
Not so shabby when I write it down.

Only the complications of life sometimes make it feel less simple in the real world. I took my big long awaited moment to build that self confidence to its highest levels only to see how easily it could be knocked right back down. Why is that? What stops me from drowning out all those other voices? Perhaps because they are all different versions of my own voice. Knowing all the things I have got wrong in a life. The things I’m not proud of. Where I should have been stronger, better, more. I know all the reasons why that voice is loud and where they come from but they still feel hard to silence. I think even if I found the antidote for corona virus those voices would still find a way of putting me back down.
How do I silence them??
The million dollar question. Answers on a postcard.

When asked a question last night, I flippantly talked about a trip I went on. Taken there by a person who I was seeing back at that time who was much older than me. If ever there was a girl who was susceptible to anything back then I think it was me. On the one hand naive and fairytale. Looking for a beautiful story of life to unfold where I was rescued from my world and taken to a new and more amazing one. On the other hand the scrapper who had been out at pubs and clubs since she was 13 riding on the coat tails of her older sister and her friends.
It’s crazy when I think of it with my own girl. I could not for one moment imagine her in a club at 13. She still looks like a baby when she wakes up in the morning in her pj’s.
I guess I was a kid too.
But a kid dressed up to the nines, caked in makeup, as I quietly and without causing any trouble  rebelling against my life at home. Starting to follow that path that is laid out for girls like me.
I had a brain which saw me getting a good job but I was
completely clueless. Especially about men and their interest in me. Preferring to ignore my experiences of reality and focus on the many romantic films I watched that took me to more beautiful worlds where some version of a Prince would show up and whisk the girl off to somewhere better.
I’d like to think over my life I have adjusted that view with all those life lessons.
I guess I have in some ways. I never expect or wish to be rescued. There’s more to me than people often see or is it that I bother to show.
I can take care of myself. Sort stuff out quietly even though I might struggle. Don’t we all? Maybe it’s just me. Although I’m more of quiet warrior these days than a scrapper. My blog providing me with a place to share what I find difficult to say. Most people would probably look at me like I’m a basket case if they were let loose on my blog. Im actually more normal that I sound in here. Sometimes  I just need somewhere to throw stuff out. It’s good therapy.

But that belief in love and soul mates. I can’t lie. Call me naive and fairytale but I absolutely do still believe in that. Because it comes from the heart and soul which can’t be bought or owned. It has its own mind. I know because that is my best bit and the bit of me I believe in the most. It knows how it feels and it doesn’t give a shit about rational. Fucking love that actually. Pure and Real!
Laugh if you want. You wouldn’t be the first. But I don’t care about that either. Because if ever there were a part of myself that I have no doubt in then that would be it. It’s all the other shit that I struggle with.

Anyways back to the episode in a story of a red coat..I was whisked away by a version in this story who I certainly would not refer to as a prince.
I only have one photo from that trip and it was the one taken with a friend called S who I made while I was there. I threw the rest away. But held on to that. Kind, and smiley. Exactly how I remember. Searched it out this morning. Looking at a photo reminded me of so much. A period of life I have faced but I tend to avoid. It is what it is. But obviously had a big impact in a way that was bad but also changed my path for the better. A complete game changer.

One thing I remember from that trip was how awkward I felt around the people that were there. Feeling embarrassed at the way the person I was with and other people that he made friends with there, spoke to the friend I made. As though they were better. As though his purpose in life was just to serve them. Rude and ignorant. And I hated that I indirectly became a part of it in that moment. Stupid rich idiots. It set a bit of a precedence for me in how I often think about those types. It’s often not what they say it’s how they say it. Patronising and condescending. As though everyone would want to be like them. But then I’ve met others since who aren’t like that. I knew on that trip I would never want to be like them. Razzle Dazzled for a moment before given a taste of what really lay behind that and sent me reeling.
Perhaps it was a different time back then. Has it changed now? I hope so. I think so in some ways and then I see and hear things and I wonder if it has changed at all. Or is it just more hidden behind a facade I’ve seen.

What I remember that made me smile is that enjoyed chatting with the friend I made so much more than the person I went with and all those other arrogant types that talked down to me but I thought were so boring.
I remember S saying that people didn’t normally bother talking to him.
And yet he was my favourite thing about that trip. Living in a different world to me but one that felt nearer to me, that I felt comfortable in and that made me feel happy and brave. Fire eating brave. And I have a picture of that  fire flame to prove it.

Feeling that flame burning very brightly inside today.


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