Tonight as I was walking back from my forest walk I came across a free roaming herd of cows with horns.
They move about in different parts of the forest and I see them every now and then but for the first time this year as they grazed on the luscious long grass.
They look quite big and imposing. Something that became apparent to two kids on their bikes who wanted to get past. I think they were probably about ten years old. One of the boys was shitting himself. He had to navigate the herd but was scared. His friend was trying to coax him through. He asked me what they were because they had horns. They’re just girls I said. They won’t hurt you. Why don’t you come past me and I’ll keep my eye on them for you.
So they both rode their bikes through the perils laughing like they were in the greatest adventure. Meanwhile I chuckled to myself in thinking of a lady I once met in anudder life.
I worked hard today as I covered my furloughed friend and ended up working till gone 5.
Having to share thoughts that I was holding so I had room to concentrate. I love learning about others who are interesting. Not wanting to pry but being fascinated and completely engaged in what feels important to them. One friend in particular who is so different to me that they can make my head spin but I find myself smiling so much in the colour they add to my world. I’d like to say my interest is completely selfless. In fact like walking through the forest it provides me with so much excitement and interest and magic. What’s not to love!
I’ve also been thinking about different jobs I might like to do. I fancy some change again. I want to spend my life doing stuff that I want to do. But I obviously need to pay the bills. I’m thinking I need to be a little more inventive and creative. And also basic. I don’t think I care much for success. Those worlds always seem to contain a lot of people who drain me. The types that think they are better and you find yourself having to listen to them droning on. It has felt a real pleasure to not have to hear them twitter on.
I am a person who can find her mind caught all over the place. Skipping from one thing to the next and then back again. My fast little finger typing away on my phone, appearing like I’m messaging friends or looking at social media when I am in fact capturing my thoughts to use in another time and another place.
And I realise how I could Literally happily day dream away a life. Would that be a waste?
You need to get on and live, they say, as though to do that you have to be doing something spectacular.
Other than the fact that I can’t wait to see my closest friends and family I’m not in any rush to do anything spectacular or resume life as “normal”.
I quite like this “normal” where I can just quietly get on without the world telling me what to do.
In actual fact if I’m honest I don’t think I will be rushing back to much from before. Running around feeling crazy.
I think I will leave that to everyone else. I’m in no rush. Not feeling in need of anything more than my specials.
Perhaps the odd party or meet ups with acquaintances. I’d rather be around people who I care about and who care about me. A lot of the other stuff just feels a lot of the same. A way of passing time but appearing like you are living. Whereas the simpleness of my life in the forest has come with so much variety. Quiet and solitary it may be but clarity of thought without all that white noise has been quite lovely.
Plus Ive never had any real interest in that kind of life where people tell you how much more amazing their life is than yours.
Pictures posted of “look how much more fun I am having than you.”
The sort of stuff that my girl looks at and feels the pressure of not having that life too.
What have they got that I don’t?!
I find that convo particularly hard to have with her as I silently listen. What I want to say is what a load of bollocks that stuff is.
I always think, if it’s that incredible why are you ruining the moment to take a picture.
I can’t remember ever wanting to stop and tell someone about how great my orgasm was halfway through. I’m in fucking ecstasy. Who gives a shit who knows.
I’m just saying!
This lockdown has given me some much needed rest from all that bull shit and given me the quiet required to deal with my burnout.
We have a handle on it now. I am starting to feel myself again. That feels nice. Really really nice actually. The sort of nice that makes me feel like the girl I remember showing up in class on no sleep after Barcelona. When I was just easy breezy happy. I’m definitely nowhere near that yet but I’m on a bloody good path to it. And nothing is going to swerve me off course. I’m worth more and anyone that doesn’t see it, please step aside. You’re in my way!
So feeling as I do it felt like good timing to hear from my tutor/friend. I felt happy that he checked in on me. We tend to take it in turns but there is no rule attached. Hate that shit too. You were last to message first so now you cant message again. You cant answer a message straight away, you have to wait a certain amount of time. And whatever other nonsense I have heard from others on this kind of stuff. What is that? Del Boy chat … play it cool son, play it cool!
Anyways I haven’t seen this friend for ages. Two dinner plans postponed. First by me last September when my life suddenly disintegrated. Going from hero to zero overnight. I didn’t want to share that, especially as when we set the date I was starting to feel like I was moving forward. Just those financial details to cement so that i could try to create my own security. Oh to be rich!
And then postponed for a second time in lockdown. Destined to wait a little longer.
So I was so happy to hear from him again. Another individual who has his own unique way of looking and thinking about stuff that divides opinion and can create judgement from others.
I always thought he was bloody great and he looked out for me. Whatever his ideas he seems to be doing pretty well so good for him I say. It just made me think how happy I can feel for others when they are decent to me and how little I care when they aren’t. I guess where for some it’s all about winning, for me it is totally about how you play the game.
So third time lucky with face masks then. How weird will that be. I feel like I would rather stay indoors than have to walk round with a face mask on. Will people be wearing face masks when they have sex with strangers?
Will social distancing be the new prohibition.
Will it all go underground. Social gathering in places where it can’t be seen. Mass orgies for the sex starved.
Whatever is ahead I will let it all play out around me. I’ve found a quiet little path to skip along away from all the insignificant noise and right now I’m in absolutely no rush to leave it.