I realised today that while other people have been very busy and productive I haven’t actually done a thing.
Well you know.. productive. (Unless it’s work related)
As I walked across the road from the forest I passed a house of a mum I know whose daughter went to school with my girl. Outside there are always things for people to take if they want them. Her house is very beautiful with so much space inside and out. They have managed during the six weeks to clear out all the stuff they no longer require leaving even more space.
Meanwhile back at the flat not a single job has been done. All the things I never have time for.. you know the stuff, fixing, modernising, rearranging, clearing out, tidying and making everything ordered. Everything having its place so that things can then be found easily and it can all run like clockwork. I think at this point, life might require more than a little redecoration.
Meanwhile all those gardens that have been landscapes and looking like they are mini Kew Gardens.
Ours is uncut with a sea of daisies (I love daisies 😊 don’t you?)
And then I see my girl with her incredible fitness regime. 100 squats a day. A range of other exercises that make me feel tired as she spontaneously does them as I’m talking to her. 10 online dance classes a week and a decision to take up yoga.
I replaced the bike with my walk. I’ll swim for two weeks solid when it reopens to tone back up. No bikini body required right now. So frankly, I can’t be arsed.
And then people who wish to make changes and are putting the mechanics in place to travel, or retrain or to start their own business.
I’ve lost my list. I must make a new one.
The could be firmer bottom line is that whilst all this productivity has been taking place here there and everywhere, what have I been doing?
I’ve been pissing about in the forest like I’m 8 years old. Day dreaming in my tree house, dancing under the trees, twirling as I walk along, chatting to ducks, listening to tunes, Lying on my jacket and looking up at the clouds and making lots of wishes for people I love and myself. Singing songs with the birds as my chorus. Smiling at people who pass by and clapping inside every time they smile back.
You know a bit like when you would kneel up on the back of the bus and wave to the people in the cars behind. It was so satisfying when they waved back.
Do I have anything to show for my efforts.. well not exactly .. well not yet… Well No!!! Does it count that I’ve been giving my head fuck an overhaul? 🤗
Whatever!!! here is my confession..
Ive just felt so very happy pissing about in the forest 😊 like proper happy in a way you should feel happy when you are a kid.
Something I felt even more as I took my phone out of my pocket as I was walking along this morning.
A message from someone that I completely love, chattering away as if they were walking along next to me. I was laughing out loud as people passed me like I was some crazy. Well it is a fine line when Harley is in the red coat but this morning it was just me.
Just hearing their 11 mins 48 seconds of excited chatter made me feel excited. Like living in double bubble magic!
And as I sat in my tree house which upgraded to a castle this morning I thought when will I ever have so much time again to do any of this without feeling guilty?
I guess it’s all relative to what feels important to me or to you.
You see what I didn’t realise till today is that Ive quietly been following my heart for the past 8 weeks in this forest. In all its desires and passion. Feeling it all in my daydreams. It’s exactly what I loved to do when I was a kid and was told to stop doing, and it is still what I love to do now.
If you could measure it like the 100 metres or long jump or javelin throw I think you might find, in daydreaming, I am an Olympic champion.
So while I continue to work from home, my mortgage holiday continues and I’m unable to make any real and concrete plans for the future I’m going to continue to piss about in the forest letting my imagination run wild. Storing ideas of what I see and feel and thinking of new and creative ways I might be able to use them. I keep thinking that there must be something productive I can do in being me. But perhaps I was just born to dream.
When I was a kid I believed that one day I would do something really special, whatever special looks like. Perhaps I already have. I do feel that special every day when I look at my girl. Maybe there is a different special that still lies ahead or maybe not .. it doesn’t really matter anyways. Because the point is I believe in something more.
For all those things of life which feel so controlled, when I am in the forest I never feel so free and alive.
It is my place to dream. And when I dream no one can control that not even me.