The Sunshine Inside

Yesterday was more challenging.
I felt like a spoilt kid stamping my feet because I couldn’t go out to play.
The sun was shining and I felt hard done by. All those people on lots more money than me with their comfortable lives that have been furloughed and getting paid for sitting in the sunshine. While lower paid muggins is sitting on her laptop indoors because I’m apparently needed. I have to laugh. Should I feel pleased. I’m needed? I certainly didn’t yesterday.
As others tell me how difficult they will find it not to be needed during this period I found myself struggling to feel any empathy as they talked if picnics in the park.
Perhaps when things really start getting tricky in the world of work, when businesses are struggling and having to lay people off they will continue to remember that they needed me.
Unfortunately despite my Olympic dreamy status I have been around a little too long to know that’s not how it works. I doubt it will mean fuck all.
So while others were out there lapping up those rays I was stuck inside doing my job and theirs.

Being conscientious in my experience has always meant people just asking more of you.

And then it made me think of all the people I worked with through the years who just rode on my coattails. Who didn’t do a stitch and were either super charming and talked the talk to put them in favour with the boss or were seen as being a weak link and moved along to somewhere else. Im both cases they often moved on to better. Both “all mouth no action” and “waste of space”. In fact through the years i have seen how often they find themselves elevated up the ladder, their confidence growing and others assuming they must be good because of their rapid rise. Before you know it they are managing you and believing in their own success and dictating to all those who actually do the work. The same people who usually have so much more to offer, but don’t care enough about being in charge of anything more than their own lives. They say the best people to run this world would be the people who don’t want to. Because of that very reason.

When this thing kicked off, the world suddenly became completely topsy turvy.
Essential worker got turned on it’s head. Well for those who have spent their life living in cloud cuckoo land. Inside, everyone at the bottom has always been thinking the same thing .. what do all those over paid idiots actually do all day?

Those same types who are in charge of everything.. politics, business, media and marketing .. so they will keep enforcing the message of how much they are needed .. cause otherwise, perhaps they might find themselves on the scrap heap rather than those at the bottom. And that can’t happen because in their own heads they are way way way too important.

Can you feel my jealousy of other arseholes enjoying the sunshine not me 😂 sometimes I have to let these less than beautiful feelings out.

Of course the charitable in me remembered what it is that I do for a living. How lucky I feel that I fo actually work for somewhere where what I do each day indirectly makes a difference to more than someone’s bank balance. Where I believe in the difference we try to make to the lives of people who deserve the best. I have to have meaning to life otherwise it would all feel like “ what’s the fucking point”

And then I read a few things from people who I find inspiring. Where they share their passions for things they love. With dreams of making those things something that one day perhaps they could make a living from. I felt myself wishing that so much for them. And then found myself wishing it for me myself. Perhaps becoming a red coat version of Jane Austin living by my pen, where all my characters in children’s stories eventually get everything their hearts desire.

And then I turned my attention to thinking of all the people I love and care about and wondering what they were doing. Dreaming of wonderful for them.
And looking forward to their stories of what wonderful looked like.
Hoping they have it all. I love them so much that no rules apply. They totally deserve whatever they wish for. Although the people I really care about are epically wonderful and in my eyes they  most definitely deserve all their hearts desire.

when I finally surfaced into the sunshine , only to find someone had stolen my tree house, doh!, I was given a massive smile by someone very lovely. I heard my phone ping and immediately I knew it was them. That they remembered my moment in the sun. And suddenly I felt like I mattered. That I was cared about. Not because I was needed, but just because .. A smile created by being thought of can never be underestimated. Yesterday as with many other times actually, it meant bloody everything to me. In a way that any of those superficial materialistic things could never come close.
I often struggle to really believe I matter.
It’s a lovely feeling.

As I finally settled in a spot by the pond where I felt the sun melt my moment of bitter and replace with my caring sharing warmth again I was reminded of a birthday of someone golden.
Sir Nicholas Winton MBE.
Please look him up. There is such beauty in his moment of feeling like he mattered.

A man who quietly did a job completely unnoticed.
What he did that was hidden for so many years and yet meant everything to those 669 people whose lives he saved. As I sat with the sun on my back I shed a few tears in feeling so inspired by his goodness. And how very spoilt I was and how lucky I was to be able to look out of my window and see that blue sky waiting for me.

I’m not a perfect being or a selfless creature who never has moments of wishing I lived the life of Riley. Doing whatever the Fuclk I want and being given everything I could ever want. Having all the happiness I wish for handed to me with cherries on top.
Yesterday was one of those such imperfect and selfish days. But that’s not who i want to be in life.  At least I always try not to be.
So today as the temperature ramps up a little more to 27 degrees I will think of all the little kind gestures I might do for others and feel lucky, knowing that it’s so more important to feel the sunshine inside. Because without it there really is no point.

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