I had a little blip in my furlough time. Happily buzzing around in my own little world. Just enjoying those simple pleasures and feeling light and happy.
And then a small venture out found me in the land of masks, suspicion and anger. It left me wishing to rapidly retreat and feeling so very tired of those who look down on others just because they come from a place of more privilege.
Money may make this world go round but you can keep if it makes you think you are better.
As my mum always said. There’s class and there’s class and you don’t need a penny for the latter.
I shared something a week ago that I thought was beautiful and uplifting. All about being who you are and chasing your dreams.
I instead found myself watching something that pushed every button in reminding me how fucked up I have felt through my life due to feeling with my heart rather than thinking with my head. I felt embarrassed that others have seen that.
I was left feeling stupid and ugly even though I know I’ve always lived my life in the best way I can and looking out for others. Making mistakes but always caring and always loving. But I still felt ugly all day.
My girl came for a walk with me. We sat on a log as the rain fell gently on the trees that sheltered us as we drank tea and ate Viennese whirls. Our new favourite thing.
Feeling her excitement as she talked about uni and what she hoped for. (although holding back slightly in her worry of not being given the grades in this current made up system). I felt lucky in getting this bit of time to spend with her.
She’s so independent and grown up. So self assured. So easy breezy.
How did that happen? How did we manage this? To bring up the greatest girl who could take on the world in a pair of ballet shoes.
She has a natural and unassuming confidence. Beautiful and funny and down to earth clever. She has the balance of a Libra.
I’d love to take credit but she was just born perfect.
And she knows when you’re not quite on it. What’s wrong? Has someone upset you?
I’m just feeling a bit quiet and tired today I said.
No one had upset me. Just some intensity that found its way to me and reminded me of some difficult times. They are tucked away but when you watch things one after the other with the feelings attached, it felt a lot to feel. A trip to Sweden that made me think of a very naive 19 year old girl who felt worthless and allowed herself to be treated that way.
The antidote .. it’s so romantic. Rebel Wilson hitting her head and ending up in a romantic comedy. Living life as though you are in a movie. Something I learned to do after that time and understanding the tricks we use to protect ourselves, not feel so isolated and alone and to take care of our own happiness and wellbeing.
I love life to feel happy. I’ve had my share of real. I know exactly what real looks like.
So is it ok if I like the dreamy and the romantic and the beautiful.
I’m not shallow or superficial. If you get close enough you will find there is so much depth. But I have always been open to feeling love and happiness. That’s who I like being. And what I wish to feel.
I laughed all the way through as she lived in a parallel universe with Liam Hemsworth chasing after her and telling her she was beguiling. Not a bad universe to find yourself in even if, as in most romcoms, despite many attempts at rewinding that moment, it skipped the sex.
So today I’m going to be beguiling, in bright colours with my own kicking soundtrack.
Because I am kind and caring and I have qualities that are rare and wonderful and make me unique.
Not to mention qualities that totally make me lovable.
Only I didn’t need to hit my head to remember that. I know who I am.