A few people have said to me how weird life is feeling. Right now I am spending the majority of my life sitting in trees in the forest writing and reading George Orwell. That feels pretty weird even if I am starting to feel like I’m more sane and calm than I’ve felt my whole life.
Tonight my girl cried into my arms as her realisation in what this whole situation is finally caught up with her. It’s been a very long time coming and has taken the tension of a virus pandemic and black lives matter protests to shed those tears.
Sitting there chatting about her first time out in ages with a few of her friends and sharing the tik tok they made. Until she suddenly shared the feeling that life used feel better.
“When was it better?” I asked.
“When nanny was still alive ” she said as she started to cry. Her tears fuelling mine.
Her sadness also triggered in seeing her grandad yesterday who won’t take any care of himself despite efforts to help him. As my girl said “ he just looks so broken and doesn’t even hide it from me now.” This virus being the final straw for him. He looks so ill and can barely stand or walk and yet he insists that he reopens the shop that makes no money. In fact the shop that loses money. The heartbreak in remembering who He used to be. It leaves me wishing I could make it all better for everyone but just not having that power. So instead I play the role of trying to hold things together in some way by filling the gaps that they would all fall through.
From the outside people probably have all sorts of versions of what this set up is. I don’t even know other than I know I make a difference in just being around. Caring about others beyond my own wants and needs and realising that to do any different would make me, not me. Yes this feels like a weird life.
I believe that my life will change at some point, who knows when, at which time I’m getting a dog 😊 but right now I’m where I am meant to be.
What’s more somehow my girl has turned in to me asking her grandad if he needs someone to talk to. That she wants to help him. Let me clean the shop. Let me sit at the till. Let me help you. Just caring about him and not wanting to see him sad.
She is a girl who is really proud of her roots.
He in turn is so proud of her. She is the first person in both of our families to be gong to university. And going to do something she loves. Dancing and singing. It feels like she is a superstar before she even starts.
“I hope there are some normal people there” she says to which I respond “what’s a normal person?”
When I think how people from my background are often depicted, I find myself feeling very protective of what it actually is. Knowing that most of the time I feel like I neither fit here or fit there. Falling somewhere in the middle in lonerville. Knowing my girl is the reason for every single choice I make.
Thinking of people who are very quick to judge but don’t really understand.
Kindness for others is in our blood and everything comes from the heart. I think that’s the normal my girl was talking about. I hope she finds that there too.