Happy Hiding

I have always been a party girl in the purest sense of the word. I love to dance, I love music, I love laughing and I love fun.
You dont normally have to ask me twice to go out. I’m usually up for it and always knowing how to have fun and how to enjoy myself. And feeling like i want others to do the same. Life is always better if everyone is happy.
But always underneath being the girl who cares about the bigger things in life. The stuff that really matters. Trying to always look out for others, especially those who struggle. Whether they are people I know or strangers. I have a code and I try to live by it.

I was sitting in my tree house earlier thinking about the summer holidays when I was a kid. It pretty much looked exactly like this lockdown every single year. I never went anywhere, or saw anyone beyond my own family, and the biggest excitement was going to the local coop to get the shopping or blackberry picking in the woods.

How I laughed my head off when a friend showed me a leaflet from a private school who were advertising a clap for children for all their bravery. Recognising their efforts in managing the ordeal of being off school, not being able to visit relatives and having no friends to play with.

I felt slightly cheated. Unlike them I was forced to visit relatives I didn’t really know, didn’t want to kiss and sit around for hours indoors as they small talked. Thank goodness I was a dreamer. Perhaps I deserve a retrospective clap for surviving that.

The point is that what they described was just normal life.

As a kid I was really happy in the freedom to do my own thing. Freedom to do as I pleased and go where I wanted. Just be back before it gets dark was the only instruction. What a lovely feeling freedom is. Mostly no one knew where I was or what I was up to. I had my various jobs through the years but I earnt some money and I enjoyed them. Moving along to new things all the time as I got bored with doing the same thing. Life in the summer was about what I wanted to make it and it could be anything.
Sometimes I wished for friends to share moments with but I didn’t really have many other than my friend JH whose garden I used to camp in and play with her rabbits. Was that just 1 year. I think it was but I always remember it.
Anyways I think those summers were where the party girl was created. I never got invited to many parties at school. I didn’t have the right image. older brother hand me down clothes and a Princess Diana haircut that I begged for but didn’t quite have the same effect at my mum’s hands made me the Tom boy in comparison to all the pretty dress girls with long hair. I never had a birthday party myself but I always imagined. So I used to create pretend parties for myself with invisible friends. Saving up pennies and investing them in Mini iced gems and jammy smiley face biscuits as my party snacks. Arranging them neatly in little bowls.
Recording the top forty off the radio on the Sunday night so I had up to date party music, and making pass the parcels with some old crap from my room and newspapers. Prizes that no one wanted to win but it didn’t matter because I always won.
Paper cut out kids lying around my floor as guests that were a bit flat in creating atmosphere. But as it was all in my own head it didn’t matter. I saw the party play out in every detail as I bit the bottom biscuit off an iced gem and then ate mini rock hard swirly icing which was the best bit.

Funny how at the beginning of this lockdown I attended an imaginary party with my friend and our respective crews. One of my highlights of this whole thing even though I was in a room all by myself.

I saw one of my best friends Boozy yesterday.
I love her so much because she is as much fun as I can imagine and also very real. There’s no bull shit or pretence. She is one of the most loveliest people you could ever wish to know. I always say it but I’m really lucky with the friends I have. Down to Earth, genuine, completely loyal, do anything for anyone and can make anything feel like the most fun you ever had. Total heart of gold and proper rock star. The ultimate party girl and my Ibiza mate. I Trust her in every possible way.
We talked about our next trip to Ibiza. One of several trips there with different people over the next few years. The promise of a chilled out vibe being exactly what I’m looking for in life and where I’m at my happiest. I’ll find the money I need.

We laughed as we had a moment of forest style Ibiza as a cow strolled across our picnic mat as we were sitting there drinking out of date Buck’s Fizz. In our crazy mayhem attempt at getting out of the way, boozy pulled me over.
Like slow motion as I remembered that night in the Ibiza rain, and starting laughing. The cow must have wondered what was going on as he stood on my picnic mat. I could not stop laughing. Tears running down my face. On this occasion I managed not to knock myself out under water and instead ended up with a massive bruise on my leg. It was worth it. I hadn’t laughed so much in 13 weeks. I needed it. I love love love to laugh. It’s the best release for everything.

Today I went for a walk and found the sun shining again. I feel so lucky in being able to do whatever I want even though I’ve started to feel this time running out and wanting to rewind it. Hoping desperately that they extend me for a little longer. I could do this forever. Someone paying me to just be happy. Perfect!
As I have always done I looked up at the sky and saw all its fluffy clouds. Totally could jump across those with my friend.

I sat down for a while and read my book before my friend rang. Haven’t spoken to him for while. It was so nice to hear his voice and respond. I’ve kept myself to myself a lot during this period. Just my few best mates for company in messages and I saw my friend L a couple of weeks ago for a little walk. A few people telling me to connect on social media but I just can’t feel it. After being bombarded from day 1 with an overload of we need to stay connected, I felt myself pulling in the opposite direction and wanting to disconnect. I have hidden from the majority of media since about week 4. It felt like an invasion.
I’m aware that by not joining in I get left out. But that style of communication just isnt me. I need real people or nothing at all.

Anyways this particular friend that I was chatting to has been the person I have spoken to most during this period. Why? Because I feel like I can just be me. I don’t have to be perfect or never get it wrong and there are no rules.
I didn’t even see the time tick past. Who knows what I was rambling on about but I felt happy. Random conversations about everything and nothing. I never find myself feeling awkward or wondering what to say next, even though Ive never been very good at talking on the phone either. Obviously I feel better if I can see someone’s eyes.

Right at the end we started chatting about something that maybe should have been kept for another day when I could see them. Sensitive subjects that feel close to my heart. When I really care I can feel quite emotional in that and find it difficult to hide.
I never really talk about this kind of stuff to other people. Keeping my thoughts and feelings to myself because people don’t usually care or they aren’t interested in a different point of view.
But this friend does care. They listen and care about my thoughts just as I really care about theirs.
But this chat was definitely not chat for the party.
I ended up feeling sad. Feeling like I didn’t have the ability to change a single thing and on top of that feeling like I had ruined a rare moment with someone else that I feel really happy being around.

As I walked back I was thinking to myself that when the shopping malls reopen again life will continue on as normal and that fashion in kindness will probably disappear. Replaced by fashionable new outfits for fancy nights out. That social conscience for five minutes becoming old news as people celebrate their new found meaning to life which will duly be reported on their face book pages.
The new improved competition in post lockdown lives. This is how you party! No this is how you party!
I find myself wishing to hang back and lockdown for as long as possible. I know I have to rejoin the party at some point but I’d rather create my own.

I was left holding my naivety in wishing for a better world for me and others in favour of accepting the inevitable of the same.

When the party is in full swing I will slip in and hide somewhere in amongst the crowd.

As for my friend. I felt sad in ending the conversation by not just saying that I was hopeful. But instead feeling that despite all my care and passion I didn’t have that hope and belief that the world will change and care about those that sit at the bottom.

When I woke up this morning my girl had randomly sent me this tune. I found it so beautiful in what I know is sitting inside of her right now and also when I thought about the bigger picture. It never ceases to amaze me in how all these little things connect together.

Right now in this moment I wish with all my heart that my friends hope will prevail.
Never would I be so very happy to be so very wrong.



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