As I finish my furlough time I find myself preparing to start balancing through the next part of this show. I know that things will now start to get a little tougher. I took a deep breathe as I put my head in my hands in hearing telephone conversations of professional gambling.
But I stand resolute in my own task at hand.
Ready to get back on the tightrope again but with more confidence in myself.
Not quite putting myself straight out in the middle yet. I hear the sun will shine next week so a Monday and Tuesday feels sufficient just to steady myself. I took some leave which will give me the rest of the week on my bike hopefully in that promised sun. I’ve got the taste for my imaginary life and I’m just hanging onto it for a moment longer, before I work towards making it a reality.
But as I prepare my head to be in the place required to get back on that wire I found just what I needed. How do I find the right thing in the right moment as I take these steps. It’s the magic for sure. It finds me.
I found myself feeling like Monsieur imaginamagique. MIM
The tight rope walking Bichon Frise from my imagination who is in fact in reality, I find out, Philippe Petit. He is now my all time hero and inspiration in life. Turns out there is absolutely nothing crazy about taking risks and wishing to live life like you’re alive.
Man on Wire.
I could not have followed on any more perfectly from my last song choice which was given to me by girl.
Those lyrics resonating on every single level in what that film represented for me. My girl was born 6 weeks after the tragedy of the terrorist attack that saw those twin towers fall.
That sane day becoming my last day at work where the domino effect in those towers collapsing caused a sudden panic in London. Talk in the city of a similar attack heading our way. All of us being sent home from our plush financial office opposite St Paul’s Cathedral. I remember running along the road to Liverpool Street station heavily pregnant and trying to keep up.
A few days after I sat crying in my ante natal check up in feeling so scared and sad in bringing a new life into a world where so many terrible things happen.
A moment of overwhelming realisation in being responsible for another life in this world.
18 years later I still feel that same responsibility in helping her find her way. The uncertainty of what lies ahead. After all her efforts to get a university place only to know that perhaps this virus could crush her dreams.
Saving all my positive energy for her. Her little dream hanging precariously in the breeze like that arrow carrying the wire as it was fired across from one tower to the other.
I won’t lie I’m finding it difficult to really understand any of this anymore. None of the rules making any sense at this point. All contradicting each other. Does anyone get it?
But taking each day like a gift of time and not having any expectation in that.
Knowing who and what I love in this life even if very often they sit in dreams rather than reality. In a life of uncertainty my heart is always the constant that provides certainty of feeling. We can never be certain if we are important to others but I am always certain in who is important to me.
In moments like this I wish I were rich. That I had money to throw at things. It definitely helps. Being able to provide more choices and opportunities in the many eventualities of what lies ahead.
I’ve heard now of quite a few financial struggles from different people I know. This is very real for many people.
But then I think of all the different times In life that i have muddled through, doing all different jobs to get by.
I don’t mind what I do. I’ve been thinking over the last couple of days about all the different times through my life that people have looked down on me or put me down in thinking they are better just because of what they do, or how much money they have, or how educated they are. Class appears to be invisible and yet i have felt the effects of it a lot in my life especially in times I have tried to be more. Working in places where those from more privileged backgrounds have been the majority. I could provide a million examples in how differently they treated me just based on how I speak or where I’m from or in not quite having the right look, or the right education or not carrying myself in the right way. Having to fight and work that bit harder to be recognised as opposed to breezing through on the back of contacts and being accepted by the right people. Feeling their little bit of power in making me look small so they would look tall.
And then thinking how proud I am in knowing how hard I have always worked for every little I have ever had. All the sacrifices I have had to make in life. How many times I had to swallow my pride and take those put downs, or sitting in the outside, and doing so because I was trying for more. That not retaliating wasn’t a sign of my weakness and their strength, but a necessity in being able to continue to move forward.
No one has ever handed a thing to me until this last 3 weeks. A gift of free time. Time given to me for free. I now know how that feels.
I am starting to realise how much I have actually achieved in life through various struggles even though perhaps it’s not reflected in certificates or things. Knowing I have the ability to be whatever is required.
And what of all the little things that I have tried to do through my girls 18 years that helped her. Just in being a mum.
Always trying my hardest in the limitations of who I am and what I have.
I’ve never been afraid to get my hands dirty. My roots always coming through in moments like this in doing whatever it takes to survive.
And if all else fails just loving with all my heart.
There’s some power in that I can tell you.
And al the while having integrity. Never walking over anyone to get what I want. Always genuine in my care and always being kind. As me and my mate L said today.. since when did being kind become a new thing and when I ask How are you? I’ve always cared what the response was.
And I find myself today feeling so proud in who my girl is too. Not needing her to be anything beyond that.
Who she is in all her down to earth amazing is magnificent.
Yesterday she came back from a trip to Tesco’s with her mate with a bunch of red roses for me. For no other reason than she knows I love em.
And in my world that’s what they call “a little bit of class.” And with that anything is possible.