The thing about being blonde with an accent like mine who likes to laugh is that people very often make an immediate assumption that you’re not as clever as them.
Argo fuck yourself! My new favourite phrase from the film Argo. I love watching films as opposed to tv. No relevance to this at all other than I believe I will be saying Argo fuck yourself inside quite a lot when the world starts turning again.
For the record it was a great film. High intensity the whole way through, and I felt completely invested in this crazy plan and wanting to see them safe and free. Loved it!
When I was in Italy a couple of years ago I was nicknamed Heidi. I knew how I was being seen. Like a simple girl as opposed to a real woman. The simple girl skipping around in her little shorts and top combo and dreamily swinging in the Italian sunshine.
I was excited in being in a world that felt like I’d checked into some kind of fantasy. Of course I was like a little girl. I felt like I was in a dream only it was reality. A perfect reality. I felt as free as a little Sparra. If I hadn’t been in such a daze and so fearful of spoiling it I think I would have been a whole lot more free.
Because there are many layers and elements to who I am. Just because I don’t overtly advertise them all does not mean that they don’t exist.
I’ve always loved looking for what is hidden beneath. That’s where all the magic lives. If it is all there laid out on the table then what’s left to imagine.
The thing is I loved Heidi when I was a kid. She was the free spirited girl who went to live in the mountains with her grandfather and loved the freedom in that. Until she was made to join a life of privilege as a friend to Clara who was wheelchair bound and lonely.
Heidi hated all the stupid rules and being told that she had to behave in a particular way. She felt stifled by it. They didn’t accept her as she was because she didn’t fit into their world. She didn’t want to just become what was expected of her by all those bossy grown ups and eventually she found herself back in the mountains.
And yet she and Clara found a perfect friendship. They were really good for each other and fitted together perfectly imperfectly in all their differences.
So I was completely happy to own that nickname in the version that sat with me knowing that the essence of me is exactly that free spirited girl that sits inside the woman.
They are one and the same and love to show their freeness in different ways in different moments.
Interestingly that name was said with affection once she got to know me. Another voice had provided a distorted version of me that inspired it. I will never really understand the need by confident influentials to make another feel small. I guess it makes them feel bigger. By nature I’m a lover not a fighter but I will always scrap it out if you hurt others I love, or if I feel there is some kind of bullying or injustice, or if you really hurt me. I’m never scared. But i would rather avoid it. I just don’t want the hassle.
In the end I always have trust in the fact that the real version will eventually be seen if a person really looks with their own eyes rather than those of another.
But if they can’t be bothered to look then I’m not interested in showing them.
Anyways I am feeling happy to play along with all those who love to talk down to people and drown out anyone else with a different point of view. I’m embracing my blonde bimbo who knows nothing. It feels peaceful.
Inside I know where I sit with different things.
My brain is ticking away with all sorts all the time. I care about the people I love and the big issues of life especially when they come down to voices being heard and people feeling that they have equal rights and opportunities in life. Bloody right. Who gave the right to anyone to dictate to another. The bottom line is that it all comes down to respect.
So I hear the voices that need to be and should to be heard and have something important to say. And turn down the volume button on the voices who are shouting loudly but aren’t really saying a thing.
For a moment I forgot how this game works. I found myself thinking that I was a grown up who had lived life and had a multitude of experiences that might add some wisdom and knowledge to the discussions. But I was reminded that just like when I was a kid, you either do as your told or you will be put in your place.
So now I’m playing my own game. And My game is called the Game of a happy life. I’ve been living like a child. Spending all my days playing in the forest and it is paying off. I can feel it fixing what has felt broken. Repairing all the damage that came from finding myself in a position of feeling completely powerless and trapped.
Keeping it simple and without all that white noise of all those who think they know better.
My tactic.. keeping my thoughts to myself unless they are with those I trust or the occasional release on my blog and paddle my own little canoe.
A little like when my girl was a baby and everyone was telling me how to be her mum. I just smiled, said “Thankyou, I’ll try that”
and then carried on exactly as I was. Only trying it on the very odd occasion usually when in a rare moment my mum made a suggestion that she knew would make a difference. Then I was all ears. She trusted me to just get on with it and when I look at my girl I feel like I must have got more right than wrong. She’s wonderful. And just like my mum I don’t feel the need to tell her what to do. She can do anything she wants if she wants to.
I realised that being rejected by my dad saved me from a lifetime of being bullied.
The effects of what came before being insecurities I have to constantly overcome but what came after being the a result of all my own successes and fuck ups.
Sometimes I call them fuck ups but the longer I watch them play out the more wise I feel in those risks. Following my heart is easier to bear than to not. Sometimes practicalities get in the way but I plan to overcome those too.
I’m a good bean as I’ve been told by a friend and it feels good to remember that the loss was definitely my dads and not mine.
So my energy is being spent on the people who I care about but care about me back. Feeling less and less worried every day in being rejected. Knowing that I deserve people who care about me too. That see me, feel me and love me for the girl I am in all my imperfections.
And if they don’t then their loss.
I deserve better.
So while the world spins around in all its craziness and uncertainty the girl and the woman in me are starting to come together in all their different colours and shades. Wishing to create happiness. There are of course undoubtedly battles that lie ahead, and I’m a human who feels the hurt, but until I’m there and facing them I think I’m going to just enjoy this moment. Because no matter who loves me or who doesn’t I have found that love for myself .. and right now the simple girl is lying underneath a tree in the evening sunshine feeling the gentle cooling breeze on my skin and loving the easy life.