The Dream

I feel like I have turned a massive corner in making decisions that have my best interests at heart.
None of them feeling long term. Just little choices, moment to moment, knowing the patterns I sometimes follow and how easily I can find myself caught in complications that I want to avoid.
I’m looking for happiness. I am feeling it in myself. My current situation being unconventional for sure but as I said to P the other day.. we are probably getting on better living in the same place than most people who are actually together. Although to be fair this is definitely helped by the fact that I am in the forest most of the time. But still, it makes for an easier life.  Being good parents to our girl is fundamental for me but I wish for more in my life. That much I know to be true in my heart. I don’t know what that more looks like exactly but I need to feel like I’m alive. That I’m not wasting it. When I think of what it looks like right now in this most simplest of life,  I know I’m making the best of it. Inside all by myself I am feeling  alive. Knowing exactly what takes that feeling away. Recognising my need for freedom and possibilities and love.
I don’t need the promise of being rich and successful but I would like the possibility of trying to be everything I can be and perhaps if I’m lucky being loved for that.
I’m already lucky that I have my girl. She being the most wonderful time of my life. But she will be moving on with her life in all its future excitement and wonder and I can either settle for drifting along listlessly to the end of my life or I can grab the next chapter and make it something incredible.
I’m no fool. I have smarts and skills. But right now I also have responsibilities and when thinking about my dad I am reminded how important it is for me to fulfil these obligations. To be what I had promised to be. To not just put my own wants and needs first without considering others. In short I don’t want to be like him. Obviously taking care of my girl is an absolute given but i also want to see P ok. It is never so evident over the past few months in how much we have both changed from the kids that fell in love. And we really did fall in love in the way you do when you are twenty.
Neither of us are twenty anymore and we both want such different things from life. He being happy to sit in front of the tv for hours watching racing. Which is fine. I get it. It’s his thing. He loves it. If he wishes to be a professional gambler then I say go for it. Just please don’t bet the flat well at least until we have sorted out what to do with that.

I on the other hand want to experience this one opportunity at life in a different way. I don’t need to travel the world or live in luxury although I won’t turn them down if the chances come my way, but I do wish to be inspired and see and feel different things and to share those things with someone who wishes for those things too.
That’s what my dream looks like. It’s pretty simple really. Basically just me in its best, happiest, most creative and enthusiastic and fun version.

Right now I feel like I am having to play it safe. Unlike these people who are masked up and scared of dying I have no fear in that. When my times up it’s up.
More so financially this virus has obliterated all my hard efforts from last year and I’m starting all over again. Back to basics in trying to work out how to sort out the mess. Only this time around I’m not feeling completely traumatised and I come at it with some experience. Where there’s a will there’s always a way. I can’t be bothered to worry about any of it anymore. It really doesn’t help.
While others might feel traumatised from this lockdown I feel like I have been on a cheap detox retreat. My very own Betty Ford Clinic known as the Forest Club.
And I’m now starting all over again with a completely blank canvas. Leaving my placement which has given me more time that belongs to me again. Thinking about how I might get the best from who I am to take me where I want to be. I think I’ve been massively underselling myself. There are also less feelings of animosity flying around which also feels helpful. It will hopefully help both me and P find our ways to better places that are right for us as individuals. I mean it’s not utopia, our situation is pretty unique and in need of resolution but there feels a little more respect coming my way and that feels good.
And I certainly feel less scared in the unknown.

I’m determined to keep hold of what I’m feeling right now as I find my way through the next part.
My freeness of spirit which has struggled to find its way through all the difficulties of the past few years just isn’t willing to be pushed down anymore. She is me and I am her.
And I feel her dancing in not being suppressed. No longer willing to be caged by anything of anybody.

But I’m also aware of complications and obstacles along the way and how easily it can be to mess up all my good work in taking care of myself. I’m determined not to let it.

I bumped into one such complication for the third time yesterday.
Are you following me I thought. This is a big place and I am exploring. I know a lot of people who live locally but rarely do I see them in here even though I’m in here all the time . And yet there he was again like the cool rich kid on his state of the art bike smiling in finding me again. Happy to stop and chat. He is easy company. I know him well. I could have stood there for ages chatting. It has felt like a long time for me in socialising with anyone but I heard those alarm bells in me and put my ear phones in as a sign that I was on the move.
But not before being invited for drinks.
Come over tonight for a glass of wine. In fact whenever you want.

I knew that look. Funny how the forest provides such freedom.
Those alarm bells ringing in my own head in that moment in the prospect of all my good work being undone by a charmer from a time gone by.
Yes I should imagine there is a wish for the warm caring girl to be around as an antedote to an irritable wife who once loved the excitement of meeting in exotic locations round the world but now finds real life with him a disappointment, despite their big and beautiful house and lack of financial worries. Although as he told me yesterday. It’s all relative.
He knew I wouldn’t judge as he told me but was also aware that if he cried too hard it might result in me asking if he was counting up that penny jar yet.
Happiness is a fine line that can’t be bought with cash but tell me the last time you met a homeless person that said “I have no where to live and I’m starving but I feel so very happy and free. “

I know him pretty well. We have been friends for a long time and he has always liked talking to me. There is so much more to him than the arrogance that many see in him. That arrogance is certainly less evident in him with age. Go back ten years to the man in his thirties. He had the world in his hands. Birds throwing themselves at him.. well I say at him. As he always told me, I certainly became more attractive to women with every single bonus I earned. Driving around in his flash motor, money no object, parties, the best restaurants and trips in five star hotels. I remember years ago being at Ascot with him and his then girlfriend. I can tell you for nothing, if he had been a dustman she would not have given him a second glance. I have no doubt that other blokes must have been as jealous as hell as he strolled along in his expensive Prada suit with his dolly on his arm. What they didn’t witness was the behind the scenes dramas where she was moaning at him all day to get her another glass of champagne while nagging and nagging in why he wouldn’t commit.
I can remember him looking at me embarrassed many times as she stamped her feet and he threw a little more cash at the problem to keep her sweet.
And then coming to chat to me instead. We laughed and talked of life and debated the issues. He was always more than the superficial stuff but he knew how to play that part. But he never played it with me. Ever. I didn’t need to be bought. I was always happy giving my time for free because he was always respectful to me and he always talked to me like I was a someone. Whenever I have been around him it has always felt like he felt lucky to know me and was just happy to get those odd moments with me. It’s nice to feel appreciated.

And I felt that as I stood in the forest and promptly said, “maybe another time”

to which he replied
“Ok, but I will keep asking”.

As I wandered away I thought about my dream and knew my response would continue to be the same.
Perhaps my dream is completely ridiculous and impossible. But I believe in it because more and more I believe in me. Maybe I will never reach it.
But I touched that dream for a brief moment once. Only I wasn’t ready for it.
I didn’t know how to be completely free in it.
Im rapidly remembering how to be that and how good it feels. I practically feel like I’m twenty years old again with all my new found energy.
And I don’t want anything to deviate me from that.
Because if I am lucky enough to have a moment like that again at some point in my future, this time I want to feel completely free and ready for it.

There’s always time to live your dreams ❤️

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