I came home last night feeling tired and emotional after visiting my mum and my little bro. My girl came too.
It’s the first time I’ve seen my mum in 4 months. She has finally returned home.
We had laughs all afternoon. My bro was on form. He makes my girl chuckle.
But from being completely isolated to a weekend of not, took more out of me than I thought. I actually like having lots of time to myself and doing my own thing.
When I saw the crowds in central London I couldn’t have been happier in being nowhere near it. Or in fact any of the pubs round by me. Most of which were closed down five minutes later.
I feel less bothered about them being closed than my hairdressers where I am currently on a 3 week wait to get my hair cut.
Bearing in mind the last time I had my hair done was at Christmas, it could be worse. I’ll be transformed when I go into August.
I realised as my girl showed me the pictures of the post lockdown festivities, how little I wish to be part of that.
It felt like a similar vibe to New Year’s Eve which is probably the one night of the year I never want to go out. I’ve always felt this sense of forced fun. As though it more important to be seen to he having fun than actually having fun. I’m sure many people love it. It’s just never been for me. Although I always loved Christmas Eve.
I felt myself feeling like I had way more than my share of being a party girl. I just need to be more that that. I can dance anywhere and I don’t need a crowd.
It feels like I have seen that part of the show. Only I’ve seen versions that felt more free and easy. Where people aren’t constantly filming everything and you could just let your hair down and enjoy yourself without having to look or be a certain way in case you find yourself on utube five minutes later.
How glad I am that I was born in a world before social media existed and I could party my little heart out without ever caring about seeing it again. Lost in the mist of time. Just a vague memory of happy and fun times. Able to be completely uninhibited in that moment in the knowledge that no one would be secretly filming me and it wouldn’t come back to bite me years later.
There is something so lovely in knowing I had those crazy times and other than those who were there (who I don’t have any contact with through some friends reunited Facebook thing) no one will never ever know what those times looked like except me. Imagine the freedom of that. That freedom really did exist once upon a time.
Lots of things have been reinforced for me in this period.
I don’t need stuff, I don’t need to be in big crowds or groups and I don’t need be in the most glamorous locations. But I do like a little adventure. I have those every time I step in to the forest, or in fact any time I’m out and about. But as I gain more freedom I hope that will come in the form of exploring new places.
I want to do things that feel fun and frivolous and have a party vibe alongside things that are real and beautiful and interesting and inspiring.
Im a girl who wants a little more from this life. A more that challenges me, inspires me and excites me
As I chatted with my bro who is the king of Just Do It!, he suggested three things to do.
Walk with him up the Yorkshire 3 peaks, do the Camino de Santiago, and travel on the TransSiberian railway and visit those Mongolian Nomads I told him about.
“ I stayed with them” he said “the first time I went travelling. It was one of my favourite things. I want to go there again so I’ll come with you M”
Are you joking me I thought. I’m not even sure why I mentioned it. If I hadn’t we would never have made what suddenly felt like quite a serious plan with a price tag attached. I mean not yet. I have my girl on my mind, things to resolve and no money.
But it felt like the sort of spontaneous plan that reminded me of that Milan trip to see a pianist I loved. Is this possible?
And just like that life looked a little more of what I wish it to be Realising that once my girl is settled in her next stage of her life the world is my lobster.
I’ve never tried lobster but I hear it’s flavour is unique, sweet and light.
Apparently it tastes even better with butter. I’m thinking it probably needs the French variety.