I am feeling down.
I walked in an empty forest yesterday and cried. People are leaving there in favour of “more exciting” places. I was glad of its emptiness yesterday. It matched my own. Along with not caring. Actually I do care. I think it’s impossible to switch that off. I just don’t want to care. I’m fighting my feeling of caring. I want to not give a shit.
I feel tired in being back in the world already. With everyone telling me that it will all be back to normal very soon as though that is the greatest thing ever.
I liked it better in lockdown when I was able to switch it all off.
Now it is switched back on and I am feeling like I have no choice in being part of it. I want to be part of something. Just not this. I find myself feeling like I am drowning in shallow water listening to people talking about their latest passion for five minutes before the fashion changes again.
I have always been a person who loves people and yet right now in this moment I feel like I don’t anymore.
It is all feeling completely superficial and soulless. And I feel lost in it all. Wishing I could run away to somewhere that provides anything of real substance or depth.
Knowing that I would rather just be all by myself
(other than my few specials.. I love you)