An article was shared with me today talking about safety. Something that resonated with me for sure but the recommended fixes all containing the same old chat that I have heard constantly in the one size fits al approach.
You need to connect with others.
What’s wrong with me then? I’m a friendly person. I’ve always liked people. So what’s wrong with me? That’s what I’m left feeling every time I hear that phrase.
Why did I feel safer in being left to my own devices? I felt so safe and free in the forest. When i told various people that I Had been really happy spending time alone deep in the forest I was told i needed to be careful. It didn’t feel very safe.
Is my sense of what makes me feel safe completely fucked up?
I had built some trust during this period but I am finding myself throwing it all away for fear of demands in having to try and be what I’m not.
I’ve been allowed to live in a more natural place for me where I felt really happy in myself and felt less pressure to conform. I could be quiet and gentle and dreamy and that was ok. No one questioning or judging it.
But like a tidal wave I already feel that pressure. You must connect. Initially with 40 people in a group team meeting. Like taking me out of isolation and locking me in a room with lots of people.
I’ve hated every moment of it today. If ever I was going to feel like I’m not made for this new way of living this would be a good way of proving it. As every moment ticked by I felt more isolated and disconnected from everything and everyone simply because I am being forced to connect with everything and everyone. Leaving me feeling completely uncomfortable, unsafe and wishing to be as invisible as I could.
The overall result ..
Not wanting to have contact with anyone.
No you can’t be as you are. It doesn’t fit. Only I can’t say “well if I don’t fit then I’m off” because I need to pay the bills.
So instead I’m finding myself watching the clock waiting for the time to tick down until I can escape and retreat back into my own happy little world where I feel safe and free.
None of this virtual working is made for people like me. When I wrote yesterday my friend told me she felt the same. There must be others who are feeling this need to run in the opposite direction to where we are being herded.
I found myself chatting to my bro today about travelling. The more I am feeling people are wanting to put me back in that square cage the more I am fighting against it.
By the time my girl goes to university I may be kicking and screaming in a straight jacket. I’m just not getting back in.
Feeling less fear in being let loose in a world full of unknown dangers than finding myself locked back in that cage but wondering if I have to pay a price in being completely alone.
I’m following something just not what I’m supposed to be following.