The DayDreamer

I feel like I don’t want to talk.
even though I love to talk. I feel like I’m muting myself.
Happier listening to others if they have something to share but otherwise ok to disappear into my shell and keep all my shit to myself.
I think I’m fed up with saying the same things, or being bothered by things I have no control over or realising how lonely I feel in having to share my thoughts with a blog.
Sometimes I think how can that be. When I have listened to so many people so they don’t feel that way but somehow along the way I have ended up feeling exactly that.
Im finding it much easier to just quietly exist in it all rather than try to find the positive in it or talk about the negatives that are making me feel so numb and empty.
It is what it is. And I can live with it or I can make myself crazy and sad in talking about it.
It only makes me frustrated in myself.
Why is it so hard for me to change my life into a version I wish for. It’s not like I want to be sad. I find being sad exhausting. My natural place to be is happy. I’ve always found it easy to be happy actually. And yet trying to make choices and decisions that make me happy just make others unhappy.
How can I really ever be happy if I know it comes at someone else’s expense.
I did that once before and it drained the life out of me.
I find my confidence slipping away a little more every single day and wishing to retreat further and further into myself and away from anyone I have known .. just so I don’t have to explain anything, or be quizzed or be looked down on or be seen as some weak victim type.
The bubbly fun happy and dreamy me is being suffocated by the responsibility of others wellbeing and happiness.

Im a day dreamer. That’s just who I am. Maybe I will talk again when I am able to be that girl.

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