I’m still me

I spent a day with a friend I had looked forward to seeing so much. Imagining what it might feel like to see them again after what felt like forever. Someone I trust and feel close to but is so very different to me.

I have spoken to them a lot during the past five months but when it came to it I realised I was so nervous as though I were meeting a stranger. Just a hug would have made it feel ok but instead we had to keep our distance. My tactile nature just doesn’t know how to deal with social distance. A touch conveys a message of a million words. Without it I over think, over talk and feel unsettled.
I have become so used to being by myself most of the time that I have felt like I’ve lost the ability to be around others.
Other than chatting to randoms. That I can do effortlessly. I guess it has always provided enough to fill the gap. I can flit from here to there without having to commit a single thing other than being friendly and kind.
Being close is something completely different and for me it takes time, effort and trust.

I felt like I couldn’t find the words required to finish sentences, or to explain what I meant, or worrying if I was rambling on as I nervously talked or if I was being boring. Worrying that they might wish they hadn’t come but too late and too far away from home to change their mind and just leave.
You can see how fucked up my head is. Feeling like a joker. So many big challenges lined up in order of importance. I feel the relief as things are resolved but that relief is immediately followed with an array of other crazy feelings that I don’t have the time or ability to deal with before I have to move on to the next thing.

What I reminded myself was that my friend did come. They could have easily found an excuse not to but they didn’t. That’s what my rational head told me as we got on the train and I suddenly felt the pressure to be an ideal friend and companion in a time when I’m not feeling very ideal. When I’m all over the place, with all my insecurities fully heightened and carrying a million worries and responsibilities which are weighing down on me like the heaviest burdens,  and holding others emotions and thoughts and opinions which are becoming muddled with my own.
Ideal! … I most certainly am not.
Most of my life I have spent being happy go lucky and having fun. The past few years have been full of real life difficulties and sadness which relentlessly continue. But these are the times that you see what other people are really made of. Are they friends or users? I rarely let people come close which says friend.
I felt like a kid who wanted her friend to still like her but was only able to come as the lesser version of what has previously existed. No energy to fake it, or provide a wonderfully fun and entertaining version full of charisma.
Knowing that at the best of times they are probably more suited to a different vibe to mine within those more privileged circles they often roll in. I hear it as they talk. They always try to understand my world but they are looking through their eyes and can’t quite see the detail and difference to other white people they know. I’m sure they would say the same about me. And that more privileged white world is one I wouldn’t wish to live in. I grew up seeing those details of difference and I know exactly what it looks like underneath. I totally get why that world would appear more appealing. It’s not my inability to mix in it or to feel intimidated by it. It’s a decision in not wishing to be absorbed in that and having to change myself. Do I have to fit with them or will they fit to me. I guess majority rules. There is an assumption that everyone would wish to mix in those circles. I have always managed to find my way in life without changing into them. It has held me back at times for sure but I’m no wannabe.

But right now on this particular day I found myself showing my lack of confidence and looking for reassurance while they in turn looked so confident.
The contrast being so evident to me. I liked seeing them happy in their evolution but I noticed the difference which of course fuelled my lack of it. I tried to cover it up but I believe they know me well enough that they would have been able to see it.
They say there is nothing so unattractive in a person than their lack of confidence.
Words that rolled around in my head as I found myself trying to feel the trust that has been built through effort and care. Will that just evaporate due to time passing by and not being my best?

I have noticed how during this virus everyone feels that they have had to deal with something difficult and there is less patience or understanding for those dealing with things that would normally receive some empathy.
Instead getting the sense that you can’t whine, you just have to get on with it like everyone else. Those that are more logical and don’t feel stuff probably fairing much better. We could all be dead tomorrow so who gives a shit. Who has time to care.
Caring is a fools game.
Only I am one of those fools despite the fact that it does make everything so much more complicated difficult and tiring. And yet I don’t wish to throw that foolishness away. It is what makes me who I am. That care is what I feel most proud of in myself. I just need to find my confidence again.

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