The Line between Sane and Crazy

By nature I’m not an angry person. Never have been. I tend to bypass and go straight to sad and yet I’ve been around a lot of anger in my life and I’m feeling it again right now.
… I try to avoid it as much as possible or go into lockdown so that it doesn’t hurt me but sometimes connecting to representations of anger and sharing those versions allow me to feel it without getting hurt, hurting others or it becoming personal.

The line between sanity and crazy can be very blurry.

I find myself right now relating more to a psychopathic clown.
Feeling empathy in Arthur’s journey to becoming the Joker. I read that there was an outcry when this film was released in its potential to incite violence from all those other invisible clowns out there that feel like they have been walked over, mistreated and forgotten.

We live in a world of winners and losers. Survival of the fittest or is it richest? Anyone that says that luck has no place in winning is deluded. We don’t quote 1st and 3rd world countries for nothing. 3rd place before you’ve taken your first breathe. How is that right in a world that has enough for everyone and yet there are people out there starving.
You can’t save the world we say. Really?! Why?
Of course there are always exceptions .. but it’s not the rule. Is that good enough?
In the UK social mobility has declined since the 1970’s due to class, race, disability, income and family background. I’m not imagining it. There are studies that prove it. Take a look.

As for Joker, If you’ve not watched it I would recommend it. I didn’t realise before I saw it how much it threw up in respect of class and mental health issues in a way where it had the potential to create a reaction. Preferably not the one that they feared but you have to ask yourself what the deeper issues are if that was a concern.
As the joker said

“What do you get when you cross a mentally-ill loner with a society that abandons him and treats him like trash!?
I’ll tell you what you get: YOU GET WHAT YOU FUCKING DESERVE”

I wonder what your reaction to this film might be? What constitutes good and bad? Right and wrong?
Who are the heroes and the villains?
Who do you feel for?

When I think of corona and the chaos that has ensued I can’t help but relate to this quote

“Is it me or is it getting crazier out there?”

I’m not sure of the answer but I certainly do feel crazy in my exhaustion in trying to manage all the elements that keep a person sane.
No part of me untouched. Feeling those hierarchical needs lacking at their most basic of levels and trying to hang on so the rest dont come tumbling down on top.
Feeling scared of the weight of responsibility that is sitting on my shoulders right now due to jobs being lost, money being an issue, home needing to be sold and having no plan, while dealing with the pressure and sadness of P’s dads terminal cancer and the fallout of emotions for both P and my girl.
I of course have feelings too but I’m burying them right now. It’s hard to try to be practical when you are crying.
I’m avoiding anyone telling me how strong I am.
Take it from me I’m not strong. I’m buckling under the strain. I’m just a normal person who is caring and gentle and has been holding stuff up for over 12 months now. Trying to get me and others to a better place without hurting anyone or letting them fall through the cracks. But I’m tired and completely disillusioned with life and finding myself wanting to let go of the whole lot because I can’t keep going Indefinitely. I know that if I do let go it affects more than just me and the damage will be longer lasting and hurt even more.
Taking one day at a time is the only way I can deal with it all, and dealing with one thing at a time.

Basic security can be lost in a blink. Having a home, a job and money. It underpins the lot It invades every single part of who you are. It is a permanent state of conflict as opposed to the peace of mind in security. And believe me, if you have a mind in conflict for long enough it starts to fuck with you in all sorts of different ways. I felt it as a kid. It’s why safe and secure is right there at the foundation holding everything else up.
And if you have never experienced what the lack of it is like then I believe you will struggle to really relate to what I’m saying in a meaningful way. You will be looking in through a window without getting close to the trauma that lies beneath. It’s fundamentals as they say and the line between security and danger and distress has never looked so vivid as it does right now. Let’s see what chaos ensues as the economic issues created by corona over time reveal themselves. If you are young in a secure home you will be oblivious.
If you are young without the securities you will be soaking it up through every single pore and if you are a person with responsibilities it will invade every single one of your conscious and unconscious thoughts.
All the stuff that sits on top frankly will feel like child’s play.
Security is bread and butter.

Apparently people laughed in the cinema when the the jokers only friend Gary couldn’t reach the security chain to get out of the apartment after the joker murdered his work colleague. The colleague who had previously shafted him. “You can go” the joker said to Gary. “You were always nice to me.”
The psychopath who was a loner but remembered the person who treated him as a human.
In this case a brutal version of you are my friend or not.
But it sure made me think of the people who have been kind to me and the people who haven’t. The people who helped and the people who havent. The people who have cared and the people who haven’t.
Don’t worry .. I don’t think this clown who loves to swim, eats mint choc chip icecream and loves music will be turning into a psychopath any time in this life but I did say to my friend the other day before I even watched this.
“You’re always nice to me and I appreciate that”
The fact that I said it tells its own story.
And in moments like now where I’m struggling to survive on a very basic level and make sure other people I care about get to a better place too, these genuine friendships are the only security I have and the only thing available that make me feel safe.
To say I appreciate that is a massive understatement and is the line between sane and crazy.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s