The Somebody

The other week when I visited family I was reminded that I think too much, I’m too sensitive and I need to care less. I know it came from a place of wanting me to get to my happiness but I really wasn’t in the mood for that feeling of being an idiot for caring because other people don’t.
I get it. I know it. Some people don’t give a shit.
Good for them!
But am I supposed to aspire to be like them too?!
My girl came out of her placid place and batted it back with force “Thats what makes my mum so lovely”
She raised a couple of eyebrows.

I remember defending my mum with force once when I was really little and I shouted at my dad to “get out of our home. You don’t live here anymore”
I did a Wonder Woman twirl before I ran up the stairs to where he was shouting at my mum and stood there “big”. I remember his face was so shocked in me that he didn’t even react. He just walked back down the stairs and out of our house and never came back again. I can’t remember my response after he left.

Caring too much. A phrase that has been said to me many many times in life by many many different people.
A lifetime of being told
“You’re too sensitive. Stop Caring so much”
You mean stop being me?

Those 3 years at college really put it through its paces. The closest I have come in this life to putting myself first. I certainly achieved more and did stuff for me but with massive losses and it’s the least I’ve ever felt like me and the most uncomfortable I’ve ever felt in my own skin. In fact in the end I didn’t even know who I was anymore. I got completely lost in I before being pulled unceremoniously down to the bottom.

I’ve always been a champion of others. Especially the underdog, those that fall through the cracks or are put down. That was who the girl was who walked into that room. And she was very happy being that.

You will never see my feisty side come out as much as if I think people are trying to make me or others look small or inconsequential.
But somehow in that room I lost my ability to do that. I’m still not sure why. Perhaps because in that room we all became children again and my quiet fighting spirit started developing the day my dad walked out of our house.

I always try my hardest to look out for other people and have a real sense of loyalty to people I care about.
Like when someone mentioned something that involved my friend a few weeks back at another friends place. (Although actually I would class those people as acquaintances. Definition of acquaintance.. people I pass time with.
Definition of a friend .. people I love and care about, are important and special, and really mean something to me.

Anyways as she was talking, it started to step on the feelings of a friend of mine who wasn’t there. I felt the hairs on the back of my neck stand up and go into protective mode. I was ready to kick their arse if they overstepped. I made a comment about how amazing my friend was as a show that I had her back. The conversation fizzled out.
Don’t ever mess with my friends because I will take you down!
It’s a reason I’m so discerning with who I have around me and spend time with. I am an avoider of conflict. I don’t like it because I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. I know what that feels like when people hurt mine. It’s not nice.
Perhaps my friend would not have known but I would and in my eyes it’s the same thing.

But of course I see how this world functions. Having each other’s backs is less of a code for many.
In fact it’s even easier with social media now where you can say things that you would never say to someone if they were standing in front of you. A bravery that comes from being hidden behind a screen.
I feel it with my own blog sometimes. Venting in moments about things that I wouldn’t say in real life. It’s the cowards way. Or even in a text message to someone where it feels easier to express what I want to say without them really seeing the hurt that sits behind it.
Its easy to hurt someone else with thoughts and feelings without having to be part of the impact that it has on another if they are right there in front of you.

Having conflicts often just lead to someone getting hurt and the other person not caring. Both people have to care otherwise what is the point. One person is left feeling sad and the other strolls off forgetting about it five minutes later.

So the question then is if someone doesn’t care what is the point of having them in your life at all. No point. It’s all about respect and care and without it you are alone anyways.
And sometimes you have to stand up and be counted and fight for what you believe in. I’m a lover not a fighter but don’t push me in what’s really important.

The other day all of life’s challenges caught up with me. When I think of sorting out all this shit right now it literally is that. P”s dad is very poorly and struggling with the basics. It’s hard to see someone you love and care about deteriorate to a point where it invades his self dignity. I see him disassociating himself from what is happening to him in order to cope. Cancer is the fucking shit.
As I sat at the kitchen table and cried because It all feels so hard and tiring I received a message on my phone from P.
The other day told me Im the kind person he has ever known and that his dad said he likes talking to me. The message contained a poem

I wish I could show you,
when you are lonely or in darkness,
the astonishing light of your own being.
Persian 14th century poet, Hafez.
“Thought it was rather apt for you.”

It made me cry even more because for all that I have found myself fighting through over the past few years I had a moment of feeling like it really counted. That it was’nt all in vain. That I hadn’t lost who I was. That all I was trying to do was valued.
And in that moment I really needed to feel that.

I know that it’s much easier to get whatever i want in life by taking care of Number 1. It’s the easy route.
My dad has always been the shining beacon of that for me. He “has it all.” Well at least by others standards. He is the type that others would admire and describe as a real somebody. Charming, wealthy with an interchangeable set of young birds through the years and a life well travelled. And yet despite the fact that I will always love him (he’s the only dad I will ever have) I have absolutely zero respect for him. He’s walked over everyone through his whole life to get what he wants including his own kids and mum. What a somebody!!!

He is without question the most vain and self centred person I’ve ever known. And he really would think Carly Simons song was about him. Sometimes even I have to wonder?

I’m not quite sure what my point in saying that is other than to provide a possible explanation for the fact that i I try so very hard to take a very different road. A road that isn’t just about me.

Yesterday I over reacted to a friends thoughts. I had that very same response of feeling like an idiot because I care. I went back all guns blazing in feeling small only to find that i had misunderstood. Nerves were touched showing that sensitivity that Ive constantly been criticised for.
But in that moment I also remembered that although on the surface I might look so much less than the average persons version of what a somebody looks like, I also hold a very different view. My version of a somebody is about how they treat others. That holds way more weight and value than all that other superficial shit that just leaves you surrounded by superficial people.
Because life is unpredictable especially the older we get and the more responsibilities we have and when the shit hits the fan and perhaps life throws a few curve balls where life is not quite so amazing, all those hanger onners disappear to something more sparkly. But I’m the friend that will still be around looking out for you and having your back.
And believe me, as someone who has felt a few curve balls all Hit me at once, know the value of those people who have my back.

They aren’t the nobodies. They are the somebodies, the everybodies.,

And I am a somebody too!

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