Keeping it Real

It’s 4am. I couldn’t sleep. Too much going round in my head. A big moment of change where I should be feeling a sense of freedom. I’m not.

Instead I’m feeling rooted to a place of helping someone else to try to keep moving forward. They see their life disintegrating before their eyes with no control over anything, feeling like they are completely worthless and trying to find some sense of purpose for being in this world.
This fucking unforgiving world where people don’t give a shit about each other. Climbing over each other and stabbing each other in the back all for the sake of a pound note.

Seeing someone’s livelihood being taken away over time has been difficult. The final nail with corona. Feeling first hand what that frustration has looked like. All that anger misplaced in someone who cared.
Regrets a plenty in that but it’s impossible to turn the clock back.
And yet I am still very protective knowing that at his root he is one lifes proper good guys.
Life has fucked him over and I am part of that too.
Not intentionally but I have to own my share in it.

I’ve written about this before but I’m saying it again just for P.
I heard some people talking about black cab drivers the other day on the radio as though they were pieces of shit. Glad they have lost their jobs they said. Why would someone say that? You realise these are just normal people like you and me. With bills to pay and families.
Believing the hype and media that paints them as racist luddites.
Who owns the media?
How many cab drivers have you actually met?
We just swallow a version because someone tells us.
The truth is these cab drivers are just another victim of this world of control where those at the top need to own everything. Those cabbies were one of the few relics of an age gone by when people actually had control of their own lives. You kids won’t even know what that looks like.
But Imagine .. If they worked hard enough they could earn a decent wage to look after their families. Working unsociable hours away from their loved ones and often with drunken and rude people to contend with, but they had the ability to try to provide the best life they could for their kids.
Only people don’t like that. You’re only cab drivers whereas I work in an office. Why should you earn the same as me and not have some arsehole telling you what to do.
People talking about them as though they are a lesser breed from some stereotype they read.
Actually anyone could do the knowledge to become a cabbie. There’s no entry requirement as there is in many other professions where privilege makes that journey a little easier. No distinction in the knowledge between black or white, man or woman, Christian or Muslim, abled or disabled. If you were willing to put that 3 years of work in (is that the equivalent of a degree?) While doing all sorts of other shit jobs while you studies, then anyone could do that job and with hard work earn a decent wage.

Of course like any profession there are some arseholes. Got any in your offices? But the ones I know, and I know quite a few, are really good people who look out for others and are generous with what they have and are decent human beings.

I wonder what would happen if we suddenly had uber lawyers? Although of course that will never happen because those lawyers will know how to enforce the law to protect themselves. Where as for the lowly cabbie, who gives a fuck about what laws were flouted in the name of control. If you want to know what quietly corrupt and underhanded politics, business and media looks like in countries like ours then here is a good starting point. Because be under no illusion, while we laugh at other countries with their crazy dictators, we have our own hidden issues. How easily the wool is pulled over our eyes. We believe anything if we receive a £10 off discount with it.
Who wants to pay the price that things are really worth. Let’s Instead pretend that we are all for equality by paying people a pittance for driving us round. Could not feel any more the opposite of equality. Whose really benefiting? The only equality here is in those Uber drivers also being shafted.
Knowing the price of everything and the value of nothing.
Remember that in years to come when your kids and grandkids also feel the progress of that philosophy.

In p’s case there is a need to just keep him going for now. One day at a time. To not let him be swallowed up in the sadness of his dad and the loss of his livelihood. Looking for other jobs but feeling like he has been thrown on a scrap heap.
I get why he is really feeling the sadness in the disappearance of his girl who created meaning and happiness in his world.
In short right now he just needs some kindness and care. We all deserve some of that don’t we?!

I looked for a little myself as I thought I would take advantage of the free counselling service through my work. 6 free sessions. I just needed a safe place to share.
What I got was a robotic cbt therapist who was going to fix it all in session 1. All I needed to sort my life out was to become more like her by investing in this book on change, take up yoga and meditate and watch Brene Brown on utube. Never had I felt so patronised and been less heard and less understood.
Of course my politeness kicked in as I thanked her for her time and took the responsibility of it not being for me.
I’m sure she walked away feeling like she would have changed my world if only I were ready.
If nothing else it did remind me that I was pretty good at that job and perhaps at some point I will find my way back to it.

So instead I found myself sharing with a friend. Only because they had provided permission in asking and saying it wasn’t a burden. After I sent my thoughts I immediately wished I hadn’t but it was too late. I felt stupid. Why? I’m not really sure.
When they replied I felt less stupid. I did feel as though they got it. Well definitely more than that counselling bird. And I also think they have an awareness that the men who inhabit my world aren’t that middle class type who are in touch with their feminine side and love to talk emotions.
Anyways I’m not sure how much it really helped other than to not feel completely isolated in my thoughts but It did leave me wondering about part of their response. They saw more of who I am to others and who I am to myself.
I know how a lot of people perceive that and I guess in some ways it’s my blind side.
How am I to myself?

Yesterday Morning I commented to one of my besties on her new what’s app profile pic. She had changed it. it was in black and white and she was wearing a really pretty dress, her hair looked really nice and she looked so happy.
She’s had some sadness recently and I loved seeing her so smiley and also as I said to her, looking like a beautiful and glamorous movie star.
Her response was to laugh.. “hardly babe”
Actually she looked every inch the movie star with oodles of charisma. I told her to accept the compliment and run with it.
She messaged me back in the evening to say “ I ran with it. And I had a really lovely day today babe”. It made me smile so much. I proper love her. Little things like that make my days.

I received a picture of a swimming pool in Bolivia from a friend of mine. I love swimming and this pool was like a beautiful well placed puddle surrounded by a pastel landscape that looked like a dream. It can’t really exist can it. But I let her know I’m available should she ever plan on swimming there herself.
I have realised lately how my life has allowed very little time for investing as much as I would wish in friendships. I just don’t have that mountain of friends like others. But the ones I have are really special to me. I’d do anything for them.

The truth is being a mum has taken most of my time and attention. Working so hard behind the scenes to try to help pave the way for her dreams. working hard for money to provide opportunities. No one has ever given me a step up. It’s all been off my own back. Seeing her off to university on Sunday was a moment of quiet celebration.
For her in all her efforts to get there and for me in feeling like I had managed to give her what she needed from me.
Feeling like I had done a good job. Despite all the struggles, and the sacrifices and the fuck ups.. I only ever wanted to be a good mum. Not always easy to do that every single day or even every other day. 6899 days to be precise. Days that are filled with a whole lot of other life too. And balancing it all out in a way that doesn’t affect her. Of course it affected her. Im only human. Trying my best. Doing it in the only way i know how. Trying not to fuck it up but without question fucking it up.
Maybe I should have read all those books. But let’s face it, life doesnt care about the theory and it’s impossible to be flawless in this. It’s fucking life. You make choices and sometimes they pay off and sometimes they are completely fucking disastrous but no one fucks up intentionally. And despite all mine she still found her way to a happy new moment of independence. I hope that all of that effort and care and importance I had placed on just trying to make her feel safe, happy and loved just as she is has played a part in that. How beautiful to see her reaching out on her own and following a path of her own choosing. Three days in I am already seeing her confidence growing. She has hit the ground running. My once very quiet and shy girl who laughed all the time, loved to be twirled and happily sang to herself as she was pushed along in her buggy has found her voice in a new place and is making friends all over campus.
Her first moment in singing for her vocal coach was met with cheers from other students which she said gave her a feeling that perhaps she deserved to be there. You deserve to be there I said.
She was positively glowing as she chatted.
I know her well and have no doubt she will have a run in with home sickness at some point, but right now she is embracing it in every way. Throwing herself out there.
I feel emotional as I write this in feeling so very proud of who she is. I could not feel luckier in life than being a part of her journey.
Of course I miss her. Goes without saying.
I’m her mum and I’ve put my heart and soul into being that. And just for a second in the early hours of this morning before life starts demanding more of me again, I just need to be able to feel that.
To pause and take a breath and have a little cry before I keep on going.

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