Amazing what getting wasted can do once in a while.
I think life has been so full on for me with so many pressures piled high on top of me that I have been completely buried underneath them all.
I may have embarrassingly had a good old rum fuelled blub in the middle of the high street but I sure do feel better a couple of days on.
Feeling a rising confidence in the woman I am.
Having read a few thoughts from my sweet friend who held my hand, I found myself feeling lucky in moving back into a period of freedom where the choices I now make are driven by me and me alone.
I can’t remember a time when I had the ability to be so in control of my own life and choices.
Skint I may be but I’m resourceful.
And despite all these restrictions once again being put in place I don’t give a shit.
I’m tired of being restricted in what I can or can’t do. I’ve done or am doing all the things required of me and I feel I can look in the mirror and feel like I’ve lived my life in a way I can feel proud of. There is nothing cheap about me. I have never been bought. And my moral compass is in tact. Not that I care about others judgements anymore.
I have always been a good and loving mum and a good and loving person. Never walked over anyone, never used anyone. Always loved and cared about other people and I always try to take care of others especially if they are in need.
But I no longer have to worry about the sensible plan. And I can throw away the ticking clock. Time is my own. Whatever I do or don’t have time to do, I have done most things that I set my heart on.
Having my girl being the big one and how lucky I feel in that. She is awesome!
And I did take a risk in love. I felt it in a way that gave me butterflies and I went for it. Like a crazy girl maybe but who wants to just be normal.
And even though they didn’t take that same risk back it doesn’t matter. Regret what you do not what you don’t.
There are still responsibilities but they are gradually easing. I felt completely worn out last week. 19 years of putting another person first and making sure her life was the best it could be has been exhausting. I gave it my everything. And I feel super proud of that. Every time I talk to her on the phone and hear her throwing herself into something else that’s new I grin from ear to ear. It was all worth it. Every ounce of blood, sweat and tears.
All the risks I took in allowing her to feel free and not holding her back have helped her to create her own happiness and then share it with me. Love that she chooses to share it with me. Could not wish for any more in love.
But now I’m starting to see the freedom I have to seek out the pleasures in my own life.
They may look a little harder to come by right now in this strange and crazy time but I have nothing to lose. My life is my own and I can do whatever I like without feeling any guilt or shame.
And where there is a will there is definitely a way for me.
My friend asked if it is true what they say about Scorpio’s.
Ive never paid much attention to this stuff but I looked it up.
Passionate people who throw ourselves mind body and soul into everything we do, are loyal and full of mysterious hidden depths.
We know how to create fireworks.
Well that certainly sounds true.. I have passion running through my veins and it is the season of fireworks.
I think I’m starting to feel ready to light this sky up and reveal what I’m made of.