My movies are working again which means I can go on my own mini dreamy fantasy adventures again.
Sometimes Im the lead character, sometimes the supporting role and sometimes as one of the many extras. But whoever I relate to I go somewhere with them.
This morning feels very beautiful. It has that hazy romantic feel against yesterday’s pouring rain and dark skies. The scenery always makes a difference in the feel of a story.
Yesterday’s story was a little darker. I was thinking a lot about fear, death and the feeling of being trapped. I wasn’t sad, I was just thinking.
Life includes a bit of everything. I could make every one of my posts a feel good version but that wouldn’t feel very real. Sonetime life just isn’t.
And being able to express the shit stuff can be so much harder. I mean who dreams of being sad and who wishes to bring other people down.
I would rather be the person who lifts others up. But sometimes part of that I think, is saying that it’s ok for everything not to be perfect, or that it’s all a bit shit and you’re not the only person who might feel like that. Especially in that pretend world of Facebook where apparently everyone’s lives look oh so fantastic. Don’t be taken in by the Jones’s next door. Life doesn’t run in perfect harmony and anyone who says it does is just lying. The fact is life is ups and downs and it’s totally ok to be down. It’s good to remove the pressure in life having to be all jazz hands and fake smiles.
I found myself thinking of the comedian who played one of the lead characters of my movie last night and how much I love his childlike exuberance but also the element of real feeling that he brought to his characters. The comedian with a heart who carried a lot of sadness in his own story and eventually took his own life. What a waste. And yet while he was here he connected with many in his very human way. I always imagine him as being really wonderful.
So with my darkness in mind I cam reveal that my biggest fear in life is being trapped.
Trapped – to be in a bad situation from which you cannot escape
I have felt trapped at different times in this life. Like everything when you really strip it right back, comes down to things I experienced as a child. I have a whole range of versions of feeling trapped that I can pull on that gives a full spectrum of grey, that even escaping and hiding in a bright red telephone box couldn’t turn into vibrant colour. I felt just as trapped when I hid.
Because when I go even deeper, the really scary thing is being trapped inside of myself. More scary for me than death itself.
Death holds it fears. Not being in this world to see or be part of the lives of those I love. Or dying painfully or in a way where I am frightened. I’m scared of swimming in the sea because I don’t want to be eaten by a shark. Id feel the pain as he chomped through me and be scared shitless in the process. Hear my irrational.
Whereas if I’m hit by a ten ton truck I wouldn’t know a thing about it. Game over in a second.
The truth with death is that it’s final. Well depending on what you believe. In the end it’s the people who love me that are left behind that will really feel the pain. Sometimes I wish no one loved me just so they will never have to feel a pain caused by me. Leaving them hurting when I’m gone.
But then what is a life without Love. The pain of love as my very dear friend reminded me.
I’d rather feel a little more joy I replied.
What prompted to me to suddenly feel this fear in its reality. 2 days ago there was a sudden deterioration in P’s dad who was completely confused and unable to communicate.
He couldn’t remember his name or where he was or answer simple questions that the day before were completely natural. Back in hospital undergoing lots of tests on top of the chemo for possible chemical imbalance. By the evening he remembered who he was again but what a really frightening experience for everyone but especially for him. He said he was slightly aware despite his confusion and that he was searching for the answers but couldn’t grasp them or get any words out as his ability to talk suddenly failed him.
It made me cry last night in thinking about what that must have felt like for him. How fast and without any warning that happened and that he had absolutely no control over it . Trapped in his own body with his son having to be his voice.
The thought of getting old and ending up with dementia feels so scary. I can’t be alone in that. It’s not like I sit and worry about it but in moments like 2 days ago I think fuck, that could happen to anyone including me.
We all have the right to life and how we live it and yet choosing how we wish to die feels more blurry.
We are in control of our choices we say. Are we?
I know without any doubt and of sound mind that I would not wish to live life in that way. Not knowing the people I love or even myself. I would rather leave this world before that happened. Is that selfish? Perhaps.
But I can’t choose that. I have absolutely no choice in that.
If we own our own lives then surely we own our deaths. What gives someone else the right to make that choice for me. If I can make one plan in life then that would be it. Instead I have to leave it to chance.
Ive seen the film the notebook. That very romantic but sad ending to their life together. The reality is more harsh.
For someone like me who sees our bodies as just a container for our souls the thought of just being a container feels unbearable.
I saw my gran after she had died. I could tell she was no longer there. It just didn’t look like her anymore. The essence of who she was had disappeared and it completely changed the appearance of her face.
I guess the only option I would have is to leave enough money and instructions for my girl to wheel me over to Switzerland where they would respect my wishes or if that fails please stick a pair of skis on me and let me do an Eddie the eagle off the side of a mountain.
I know I’m making light of something serious but sometimes you have to otherwise we would be overwhelmed by dark.
I watched A short film, Alma, which depicted the creepiest version of what being trapped inside looked like. It had throw backs to being a child and monsters under the bed. It resonated with me in so many ways.
A loss of freedom.. locked away.
Trapped .. without a voice amongst other thoughts about childhood.
I’ve been thinking a lot about how fearful people are of this virus.
Why do I feel the fear of being trapped far more than the fear of death?
I think if children were as susceptible to its worst then I would be in a whole different place. it helps me that In the main it doesn’t affect them. They are just starting their lives. The natural course of life Is that they will remain after we go. I don’t think there can ever be anything worse than losing a child. I don’t even know how parents find that strength to continue. If you have other children it has to provide the purpose and reason to keep going but it will never replace that child. I know that my girl is everything and more to me. The can’t even think of it in relation to her. It would just upset me.
I hear from some that their fear is in their own death but mainly the fear is in the thought of losing those we love.
Something that is being played on even more in a very manipulating way that I don’t like. Taking away peoples feeling of security in those they love and care about.
We all know that death will eventually come to us all but the fear of it has been ramped up to a whole other level.
Yes we have a responsibility to each other in wearing masks, washing our hands and keeping our distance but there is something much more controlling at play here. Finding it impossible to trust the irresponsible way it is being communicated .
I heard from my girl at uni in how another girl sitting by herself on the grass opposite was questioned by fellow students on why she wasn’t isolating when there were people in her flats waiting to be tested.
Suddenly everyone is becoming part of the covid police?
Keeping an eye on others. Suspicion and blame. Sound like a familiar concept in our history.
What she described was exactly what I fear in how this is being handled. At what point do we get to a stage where suddenly we are blaming certain people as the group that are putting everyone else at risk and need to be contained.
Sound far fetched … how easily fear can take us humans to irrational places that seem inconceivable .
I guess for me as I sit in this world where anyone can contract this virus, is our denial that nature is totally in control. If it wasn’t then I guess we would all still be walking with dinosaurs. Fo we think ourselves so special that this world will not go on without us? Life always finds a way as they say. Only I don’t want to live a life constantly in fear of death.
That isn’t living.
And yet before this virus came along in the places where money grows on trees, there were places where it doesn’t, and survival is exactly what life has been about every single day since the moment they were born.
I wonder why no one took so much notice then, or the world didn’t stop to help. Were their lives less important?
I feel like I’m sitting in the neutral zone. Trying to let go of that fear as best I can. Enjoying what I can and living in a way that feels right for me and for others. Following those rules but knowing I can’t be held responsible for what happens more than you or the next person can. This thing is here and we are all just trying our best.
What I find much harder to come to terms with is my fear of being trapped.
This experience makes me realise just how little control I really have in anything at all including my own life or death.
And why just living in today feels like the only way to really live.
The movie i felt the urge to watch last night was Dead Poets Society.
I remember watching it many years ago but I didn’t remember the story.
Perhaps I was too young at the time to really appreciate what it was saying.
Carpe Diem .. Seize the Day!
Interestingly the last time I saw Carpe Diem was five years ago and the name of the club I was walking into in Barcelona. That night someone seized my handbag straight out of my hand as I was dancing. What did I do? I just carried on dancing. Perhaps it was all the booze but I remember a split second moment of thinking.. “Fuck it!” Funny what goes through your mind as you carry on twirling. And I twirled all the way until morning and walked back along the beach.
The moment I heard Robin Williams utter those words of freedom I felt myself dancing inside.
I feel both my own fears and the fears of others.
But I don’t want to let those fears rule my whole life. Because then they are no longer fears they are a reality.
Sometimes we aren’t in control of our choices and we certainly never are in the choices of others. I absolutely always try to consider others especially those I love and care about. I can listen to my head but I also cannot ignore my heart.
Life is about seizing the day.
Carpe Diem .. I know exactly how to do that.
Seize it with me 😊