Crash and Burn Day

Yesterday was a crash and burn day.
Things with P’s dad have been really hard on a practical level and it can be felt in so many ways. I’m trying to support P in it all but It can be challenging. Not least because we haven’t been a couple for 3 years. Which sounds very confusing and laughable to some so I tend not to talk about any of it unless it is with those I am closest too. They at least get it.
I’m also aware that this is what I do in life. I always support others. Help them in their lives. Be what they need. Meanwhile what I need is lost in amongst it all.

I’m just thinking out loud. When I read that back I just sound like a selfish and spoilt little kid. Of course there are people so much worse off in this life.
I don’t want to be some spoilt and selfish little kid. There are enough of them in this world without me jumping on that bandwagon.
It’s not like I resent it. It’s just in moments when I think about my life and the things that might have been possible if I had put myself first. I wonder where I might be now. And yet if I didn’t consider others I wouldn’t be able to live with myself or look in the mirror without despising what looked back. I do at least feel like I’m a decent person in the world.
Because I really do care about other people and I’m glad I’m like that.
And then there is the fact that P’s dad is the closest thing I’ve had to a dad who has been present in my life. He’s always been lovely to me. I love chatting with him. And he is the best grandad too. My girl adores him just as she adores her dad.
Overtime life has hurt P’s dad too but I remember when I first knew him he was a proper old London boy full of bunny and charm. People just warmed to his genuineness and his old fashioned ways that always meant looking out for others and sharing what you have.
P has that in common with him. People really like him even though he never makes new friends. He has had the same group of friends since he was a kid. Totally loyal to them. He was totally loyal to me.
I hear him as he makes appointments for his job visits as he laughs on the phone with strangers like he’s an old friend. He has the gift of the gab. Bringing the cabbie to covid testing. Telling me stories of the people he is visiting. The cor blimey boy connecting with people from all different backgrounds.
I told him I felt really proud of him. I feel proud of myself for helping him to get there. Digging deep to get him up and running when he was gonna turn it in after five minutes. Like a supportive mum.
Sorting out the practicalities of new technology and reassuring him that he could do it. All that effort gets forgotten five minutes later though when he is frustrated with something else and needs someone to lay it on.
But now I can just walk away.

I find myself thinking of P’s mum in this moment. How she used to say “everyone else gets the good stuff. I get something else”.
I saw it in a tv show too. Everyone loved the main character but he was completely different with his wife. What was given elsewhere was missing in his interactions with her. Everything she gave seemed invisible. Even though hidden behind that was so much more.

What has more value? I guess it’s all in the eye of the beholder.
I certainly felt that cultural overlap to my world and the world at large.
What really holds the value for people.

When I got married I went in with eyes wide open knowing that being with someone is also caring about their family too. Their family becomes yours.
I took care of P’s mum in exactly the same way I would take care of my own mum. She was my second mum and treated me like her daughter.

But in fact I would do that for anyone I love. My friends too. It’s part of what love means to me.
I may not have lots of people who I’m close to but I would do anything for the ones who are.
I would never want them to feel alone in their struggles. I would always have their back.

This situation feels slightly different. History is at play here. Historic love and care that can never be squashed. Wanting different things out of life and losing that emotional connection but we still share a love and care.
I know P loves me. He says all the time he wishes for us to be together again. It all feels more simple for him than for me for so many reasons.
I changed and I can’t change back.
He of course sees all the parts that he loves but he doesn’t care much for the rest. Which makes me feel like I’m ugly and I have to hide it all inside. It’s ok right now but in time to come it would bury me.

But some parts will never change. Looking out for others is deep rooted. I know that none of this is really my responsibility but for me it absolutely is. I could not look at myself in the mirror if I didn’t play the part I promised to play in a different time.
But not just that, I really do care. About P about his dad.
I don’t begrudge it. Not in the slightest. It’s just tough sometimes. It reminds me that I have my mum to think of and even more scarily somewhere out there, my dad. What the fuck will be my response with him. Could I take care of him if life required me to. I would have always said absolutely not. He didn’t care about me. But I find myself thinking I’m not sure. He’s my dad. Whatever that means. I guess I will find out in time to come.

Inside I also feel an unwritten duty to P’s mum to make sure I look out for P through this thing and always. He has been through the mill too. None of this has been a walk in the park for either of us.
And we are grown ups.
P’s dad grows ever more frail , ever more struggling to take care of himself on a basic level but do you think he will give up that shop? Not a chance. FFS That fucking shop. I imagine J is up there laughing at us all.
You can’t make this scenario up. It’s like the most farcical movie where everything feels ridiculous but true.
We laugh because it is all so crazy. If we didn’t laugh we would be crazy.

As a brief interlude to craziness, at least at uni my girl is one of the few kids who are having an amazing experience right now. Dance lessons every day and the pubs are open at night. Feeling happy she made the choice to pick a small and less well known but excellent university. They are doing a pretty good job in difficult circumstances. She is a very happy student right now if no one else is I’m hoping things remain happy for her. I feel like she really deserves this opportunity)

Anyways I started to crash when people started telling me about tier 2 in London which tbh I had switched my ears off to, I finally came down to Earth with a bump in seeing all my little insignificant real freedoms floating away again. Tiny things I had managed to recoup.
Seize the day suddenly felt a bit jokes as I listened to old people who talked about the amazing stories of their lives when it was all so much more free and you could do what the fuck you liked without anyone telling you what to do.
And I’m not just talking about the last 6 months.
The world has changed a lot since then. Even without this virus our kids lives don’t have the same freedom that existed back then.
God that feels soooo sad for them even though they will never feel the loss of what they don’t know.

But I do feel it. I feel completely stifled by this world in being told how to act, how to think, how to be. The more you try to control me the more rebellious I become.
Often I have to switch it all off just so I can breathe.

Where as without being told I have been a pretty responsible girl through my life. My heart pounds at a hundred miles an hour filling me with dreams and fantasies and yet I’ve always listened to my head when it comes to my responsibilities and to others. Always looking out for them in a way that feels right. I’m not perfect. I’ve made mistakes and I was pretty reckless once when I fell in love. But I’ve always tried my best.
I finally get to the moment where I might create a life for myself and instead Suddenly I’m now responsible for everyone. I can’t just do what I want in case I spread the virus round the whole bloody world. I know.. a bit dramatic.. we are all in this together and it’s not all about me .. but fuck it can I take a moment to be really god damn selfish and say I want more!!!! For me!!!!

At this point I just stopped writing to read a message from my friend who asked me to look in the mirror and sent a tune about coming together. I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. Are you psychic or are you winding me up.
Sent by the boy that I fell in love with.
Probably the completely wrong boy for me that would require me to feel the type of security inside that is completely impossible for such an insecure girl like me no matter how much therapy you threw my way. I’m imperfect but I make no apologies for that.
That represents everything that I long for in life but is completely out of my reach.

That has the ability to say what I’m thinking even when he is nowhere near and despite being nothing like me.
That inspires me, makes me laugh and makes me think. Helps me believe that I can do anything and inspires the creative side of me to show herself.
And yes of course he is completely hot I can fantasise about things I would never write in this blog.
He’s like the Bullseye star prize.
See what you coulda won.
(Funny on the occasion that they did win the star Prize it would always be a boat. Very impractical for the working class contestants who never lived anywhere near water and was as far removed from their world as could be.
But I love the water and always wanted to live on a boat. I would be a very happy working class girl sailing in that boat)

In the end I know how the land lies but of course my heart listens to no one.
That part of me no one can fucking control .. not even me.

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