A Heart that can’t be broken

What the most beautiful autumnal day. Just gorgeous.
Crashing and burning is what is required for me sometimes. To burn all that I no longer wish to carry. The stuff that is unhelpful and stops me from flying. Rising again to be brighter than what existed previously. This time the turnaround was fast. I feel an energy from within and a growing quiet confidence in myself.

Because I know I keep going. I never give up. Through all of it. In recent times working through a list of challenges one by one. I may have crawled in moments and felt very sad and alone but I always picked myself back up. You just have to. Living demands it.

This weekend has been full of little moments and surprises. An old friend got in touch with me out of nowhere. Nice timing as I have been thinking about more creative pursuits. He is one of the most creative people I ever met. Colliding with him in the home of creativity. Our paths would never have crossed anywhere else. If I am suburban then he is international. His has been an exciting and glamorous life that has taken him all over the place. All those interesting and talented people he has mixed with. But when I first got to know him on the phone he told me I was the nicest person he had never met. A charming line perhaps, but when we met in person there was nothing flashy about him and we were already friends. I liked spending time with him during that period but as with many people through the years I left him behind in that chapter. Its very rare that people continue on with me. There has to be something special about them.

But to get a shout out from him felt really lovely actually. He still remembers me. It’s nice to be remembered. Made me feel special.
And I really love to feel inspired. He is a wonderful source for that.

I then spent time with two of my favourites. They have a similarity which I only really noticed yesterday but is something that makes them both very special. Whether they need it or not they certainly capture my attention with their beauty.
As I walked through London yesterday I carried a lantern that I found in the street near Chinatown. It made me really happy.
I felt like a genie. “What’s your wish?” I asked.

I realised how difficult and challenging this period is for others but even more when you are carrying the challenges of strangers. People who Inhabit your world for a while in dark moments that you care about. I know what that feels like. It can feel completely joyous in connection but also so very heavy and draining. I can remember feeling very lonely in that.
I feel the lightness in not having to right now. I’m not sure whether I ever will again. Perhaps?! But I know there are many ways I can help. I’m not sure that’s the right one for me.

Whatever has happened to me over the past few days feels pretty wonderful.
I feel a joy from within that conflicts with a sadness that is real. As treatment ceases there is a realisation of what lies ahead but has to be faced. Anything mentionable is manageable ❤️ I help by being part of that.

But I don’t feel a pressure any more to be anything more or less than who I am.
When I really thought about the life I have lived so far I felt really proud. Proud of who I am in this world. Proud of being the kind of mum that makes my girl feel excited to come back and see me. “Thankyou for creating me” she said on her birthday like a beautiful drunken student.
I laughed in seeing her so free.
I have so many stories. So many happy memories. So many wonderful and magical moments.
There are more people in life who I have cared about and have cared about me back than the opposite. Often they remain in my past but find their way into my present in thoughts.

My present now is all about enjoying life and having fun. Following my heart and feeling alive. Beauty Romance Love. Doing little things that make me and those I care about happy.
I don’t need to be a someone. I just need to be me.
I know how to be happy like that and how to make others happy too. Being happy … there are worse things I can do with my life.

.., And yes L perhaps that will be me all dressed up .. Sparkles and big glasses at the ready for my first piano lesson.

I’m not ready to start living life,.. I’ve been living it the whole time.

Let’s live some more!!!

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