A Little bit of Me Time

I feel like this post might sound a little “I’m alright Jack”. It’s not meant to. I was due to see a friend of mine on Friday and now can’t. Felt really disappointed. But I will just look forward to seeing them even more when we can. 😊

This is the attitude I have right now. For once in this current debacle of life I am fairing pretty well.
It is very evident to me in how far I have come over the past 14 months. I don’t think much more could have been thrown in the mix. But I did manage to cope with it all. Whether I did that well or not is a whole other argument. But I had that realisation straight after my girl went off to uni and I had time to breathe again.
My life is still busy but I’ve cut out certain elements that give me more space and time.
I mean I’ve been taking care of others for the past 19 years (at least) with all sorts of other stuff swirling around me. I totally deserve a little time of peace.
So I find myself playing catch up. In a similar position to others who had time in the last lockdown to do stuff for themselves. I had thought I would, but most of it was spent working or escaping. I loved being in the forest but I was also hiding. From being trapped in a place that made me sad and was full of tension. I can’t live like that so I spent hours and hours in the freedom of those trees, whenever I wasn’t working in order to get through it.
Things look a lot different for me now. I own my freedom and it doesn’t matter what restrictions are placed on me, they won’t take away my feeling of being free. Because it comes from within me. And that freedom is beautiful, fun, uninhibited.
I’m past the point of worrying or caring what people might think of me or whether what I do is the right or wrong thing to do by others standards. I have my own standards. And sometimes they are way more brutal on myself than anyone else could ever be. And I would never in a million years hold anyone else to them. Sometimes I meet them and sometimes I don’t. But I’m judging myself a whole lot less. I know who I am and what I stand for. You can pull me down but I’ll get straight back up because I might not be perfect but I certainly am a goodun. I always mean well and will do anything for anyone. Doesn’t mean I don’t get it wrong. But I never mean to hurt. And I am a person with a heart who feels more than I think. And I like being that way. It’s my natural way and I’m free in that.

All I ever really need is for others not to try to hold me back, or mute me or make me behave in a certain way. I’m made how I’m made. Just let me be.

I have no wish to control others so why would anyone want to control me.

I only ever wish to make my own choices. That’s all.

I’m just a human trying my best and feeling how I feel. Carrying a whole lot of love and a whole lot of fun.

Fun .. light hearted pleasure .. sounds the perfect ticket in life. What happened to that concept in this world. I remember times when that’s all life was. It was so much fun that you didn’t even notice how hard you were working, or how difficult things were.
It’s silly and has no purpose other than to make you and others smile.
Often I find people are so serious now. I love when I meet real characters. People that don’t fit the norm. That have managed to avoid also being gentrified in a similar way to all the other things of life.
I was thinking about tv personalities last night. I use that word loosely when I think of the modern day ones. They could not be any more dull in comparison to years ago. But maybe we were allowed to have a bit of a laugh back then.
Nowadays we are all offended by everything.
One wrong word and you are extracised from society.
I totally get the whole respecting each other. You don’t have to sell that to me. But this isn’t about wanting to make anyone feel small, less or being disrespectful to others. This is more about being able to laugh at yourself. It’s not an easy thing to do. I’m a sensitive little soul. I can tell the difference between someone having a pop at me to make me feel small or when it comes from a place of jesting.
But if I’m secure enough in myself and can laugh at my own funny little ways (which I know I have) then isn’t that ok.
It can feel like we are permanently stuck in the mud and that’s no fun at all.

Although at this point I just want to shout out to all the people really struggling right now. People that have lost or will probably lose their businesses or their jobs, people who are struggling to make ends meet, people who have loved ones who are ill, people who are going through difficult times and being locked down exacerbates the problems, people that are alone or feel alone and this lockdown makes them even more isolated and sad, people who are not valued or treated in the same way as others. I totally respect and care about your pain. It’s a shitty position to be in. You’re just trying to survive it and get by each day. Watching it crumbling around you. It’s heartbreaking. I felt what that is and all my love is definitely being thrown out in your directions. This world isn’t fair and we all know it.

I guess I’m talking from the “I” right now in being grateful for arriving where I am at this point. Being in a much better place than previously. Knowing that there are lots of things that I wish for and are out of reach but knowing that right now I have a whole lot more than many and a whole lot of stuff to be really grateful for.
So let’s see what this new month of isolation station brings. I managed to rearrange my birthday dinner with L and M for Wednesday night. Where there is a will there a way. Even if sometimes it takes a bit longer. 😊

But this is definitely feeling like it has the potential to be “a little bit of me time.”

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