Life! It certainly knows how to give it to you.
Money will never make you happy but it can soften the blow, give you choices and allow you to worry less in not having those financial constraints that make life just that bit harder.
It’s why I feel so strongly about what I see happening through this pandemic. People losing their jobs and businesses. It can be the thing that crushes people when they are already struggling.
The furlough continues till March. On the one hand it’s a relief on the other, it tells you what lies ahead. They’re not gonna give out money if they don’t need to.
I hold on to hope but my eyes are realistically wide open and the aim of the game for me is to protect and help those I care about. Whatever it takes. I will not let them fall through the cracks. Any of them.
Yesterday I thought, “you manage to balance what already feels really difficult and get into a routine of accepting and dealing with those things and then life just kicks you again. It’s really hard.”
That’s how it felt for P yesterday as he sat their dejected with tears in his eyes.
I ended up crying last night. It was like I soaked up every ounce of what he was feeling and then quietly on my own I cried it all out for him. It felt really painful and sad and like I just wanted to give up and leave this world. That I had nothing left.
Only I didn’t feel like that before I saw him.
He has been using my car for work. It’s a key worker driving job. After the initial stress when he started it, he had finally settled into it, although holding a massive sadness for the loss of his real job that he spent 3 years qualifying for and made him feel like a somebody. A part of something. He now feels like a nobody.
He gave his cab back at the beginning of the first lockdown and spent ages trying to find any job. Until finally finding this. It lifted his spirits on the one hand but was also a juggling act in taking care of his dad.
And of course working for someone comes complete with the jobs worth types who have their little bit of power that comes from being called a team leader or supervisor and elevates their ego to a place way beyond their capabilities.
I’ve seen it everywhere I’ve ever worked. Every now and then you get the one who really earns that title and doesn’t abuse it but that’s usually because they don’t give a shit about that title.
It’s just a word at the end of the day. What does it even mean?
How about picking a word that actually means something…. like LOVE ❤️
He is tired. No matter how much I try to help and take what ever load off him that I can, it doesn’t really help.
Sometimes just being the outlet for him to be able to let out all his frustrations is the best that I am able to provide. Swearing and shouting and getting angry but none of it is about me. And I don’t take it personally anymore. I know that I’m just a safe place to vent but obviously sometimes it’s no picnic.
A couple of nights ago his dad had a fall when P was out. I had the car and he had too much to drink to be able to drive so I drove us both over with a view to driving to the hospital. The tension in the car was excruciating. Do I feel it all more than he does?
He was swearing all the way there as I remained quiet and just drove.
Fortunately his dad was ok. He hadn’t hurt himself. He just couldn’t get back up again. He is so weak and he hadn’t eaten.
Another appointment at the hospital has revealed that the cancer that is in the bowel is even worse. Not that evidence of that is required. It’s all round the house. In every room and a daily clean up operation of the most basic variety is required. Clothes thrown in the bath now by him as opposed to being hidden through embarrassment.
These are the things that no one prepares you for. Caring for elders in the way you would have once cared for your baby.
The realities of life that sit behind all the superficial stuff that other people care about so much about but is completely meaningless. I have no time for that meaningless crap.
It’s why I embrace and enjoy all the little and wonderful things of life.
Why I treasure the times I have with people I love and care about. This is the stuff that means something to me. And why if I hate the feeling of letting those people down. They mean everything to me. They are what I care about in this life.
And life, living, for me is all about those beautiful moments of happiness and love. I’m not greedy. I will happily wait and take those moments when and if I can. Appreciating them in every tiny detail. Remembering and feeling them long after they are over.
Those moments are what make the difficult, challenging and sad moments bearable.
So yesterday a lorry drove in to the side of my car. I wasn’t in it, P was. It crushed the passenger side and the car is a write off but P is not and I was so relieved in that.
He of course didn’t feel the same way. I think a part of him wished he had been crushed in order to not have to feel it inside instead.
Apologising for a written of motor and wondering what he will do for his job.
Trying to provide rational last night felt Pretty pointless. Instead I just soaked up everything he was feeling like a sponge. The unfairness of it all. And with lockdown everything being that bit harder to sort out. A temporary solution required to keep that job whilst the car garages are closed.
Sometimes I feel my life becomes his life as I try to navigate it for him. Pointing him in the right direction or helping him to just take one thing at a time. I’m better at this stuff for others than I ever am for me. I might not be working that job I trained for but believe me, I’m working that job I trained for.
Was I naive to think this lockdown would be a little bit of me time. I feel selfish for even thinking it.
Although I took that me time once, and I take it in little moments of perfect wonderful and magic like Wednesday.
Im not going to feel guilty in having those little slices of happiness. “Just be happy in those moments you feel happy.”
I could not try any harder for others so just getting my own little piece of Cinderella type magic felt like one of the many pieces of happiness that I can hold inside and think of in the moments where life is a little more struggle for me or others I care about. I felt so much love on Wednesday and I know what love feels like.
The sun is shining so beautifully today. I will take a walk by myself in the forest in a while and remind myself as I continually do in what it is to really feel alive.