I’m sitting at my makeshift desk in the kitchen with the washing machine spinning knowing how unsuited I am to the job I do.
I’m good with short term projects where I can create something from nothing. I have a real energy for that.
But ask me to maintain it and I feel like I am just going through the motions. It all becomes day to day and I quickly become very bored and lose all interest.
Left to my own devices is a whole other story. Even the day to day can be made into exciting with a bit of imagination.
I think it’s why I wanted to be a magician. Everything is an illusion. Making the ordinary, extraordinary. I love the idea of that.
It’s funny how as I find my way back to the simplest version of myself, I find it so much easier to feel good in this current situation.
Because at my core I am always the child. And as a child the majority of my time was spent all by myself.
There were no big extravagant family gatherings or friends coming round all the time.
I never had a single birthday party and it was very rare that anyone from school came for tea.
Most of the time was spent br myself at home. Playing in my room or in the garden with imaginary friends that I created from insects or flowers or just out of thin air. I could chat and giggle to myself all day long and I loved pretending. I would create my own world with parties to dance at with music I taped , little snacks I liked, decorations I made and party games I always won. I spent a lot of time pretending to be French as though I was on holiday with a foreign family or I had accidentally been given to the wrong parents. Not that I could speak a word of French. I just made it up as I went along in a very allo allo french accent.
Daydreaming and being creative to happily pass the hours by having fun and feeling happy.
Yes .. left to my own devices without anyone telling me what to do is a very happy place for me to be.
Just like right now, back then we never really went anywhere or did anything. The only difference was I spent a lot of time with my grandparents. And I proper loved that. They were special. But we didn’t do anything special. I just loved the simplicity and warmth of those visits.
Just getting lots of cuddles and eating nice cakes and biscuits. Sometimes my Uncle T would be at my grans and he would make us laugh with his crazy stories. He was an old style lovable rogue and charmer. A ducker and diver who drove a second hand jag.
I loved the times he was there. He provided the occasional excitement of a world beyond my own where cool stuff happened.
The ladies always loved him but he always loved his mum.
Wind forward to now and I’m happily doing simple stuff that is making me feel happy again.
Relearning to read and play music, reading and writing, playing in the woods, having little ideas for things I wish to create and make, and learning to speak another language.
Things that I always enjoyed but haven’t had much time to do in a very long while.
It’s Nice, Cosy. Easy. And I don’t feel needy.
I have lots to occupy my time in ways that make me smile.
I mean I like the thought of those moments of excitement.
Ive always loved a party even the ones I attended all by myself. I love to dress up, I love to dance and I love to have fun.
I can do that by myself but it’s always more fun with other people. But I don’t need that all the time. In fact if I went out every single night for a week the chances are that by the end of it I would want a break from other people again until the next time. Because I always like the build up to things. The excitement being in the waiting. Without the waiting it would all feel like the every day. Where’s the excitement in that.
It’s why I always loved Christmas and why now not so much.
Back then the magic was in the simple stuff. The things that couldn’t be afforded or found every day. They were proper treats. Fizzy drinks, a tin of quality streets, The Wizard of Oz. All the little surprises and thoughtful details.
Making the day to day things feel a little more special by adding a tiny little bit of tinsel. It didn’t need to be expensive or big. Just little touches to make you smile in delight.
Whereas now everything is on demand all of the time. No waiting required. You can have it every day. Where’s the special in that?
Why is it that we look forward to seeing someone so much now, or doing anything feels like a treat.
Who are the people we miss or look forward to seeing. Why?
I love who I love. They are who I miss and look forward to seeing. The rest are extras.,
And I love when they they like waiting too and enjoy being part of the excitement that comes with the build up. When you look forward to it as much as I do it’s always going to feel epic.
The build up is always the best bit and where all the pleasure comes from at its climax.
I feel my excitement the other way round. When I have something special for another person it is as much as I can do to contain myself. When i was a kid I found it so hard. Giving out little clues but without completely giving it away. Because I wanted them to feel that excitement too.
They say the pleasure is in giving. It really is but I like it to be mine and theirs. It’s more fun like that.
I always need to feel that pleasure in everything I do. Without it I’m just going through the motions. And in those moments that I am on the receiving end It’s completely wonderful. It penetrates to a much deeper level because I feel it all so much.
It’s all in the give and take and I guess right now I’m feeling a little of both as I am finally taking a moment to give a little more time to myself.
Totally feeling the tinsel sparkle in that.