I thought I would want to write about Today like a lovely and perfect experience .
I may get many things wrong but I absolutely keep it real.
Last night I happily sat there preparing everything for today.
It was an idea that popped in my head when I was out walking about a month ago and had originally planned to do on my birthday. But I wasn’t really feeling it when it came closer.
It was inspired in part by the memory of something a friend of mine shared with me about a festival she worked at. I remember loving the idea of it.
It felt like something I would have loved when I was a kid. I decided I would do it instead during the last weekend of lockdown.
Hanging bubbles on a tree by the pond with Christmas notes From Pixiebel (a name given to me randomly the other day by C) and hung with sparkly ribbons.
This morning I woke up at 6.30 am feeling tired but excited. Got out of bed and sat at the kitchen table looking out at the dark sky drinking my tea.
Feeling nervous excitement with butterflies in my tummy but also questioning if it was silly.
I left for the forest when it was still dark but with enough light to be in the forest safely on my own.
As it turned out I found myself walking behind two women who also had got up early.
I didn’t want anyone to see me but they stopped at the tree I was planning on decorating and with time ticking I couldn’t delay. The forest fills up early with people on Saturdays and Sundays i wanted to have moved on by then. anonymity being the name of the game. But in my happiness I did share it with two friends.
I asked where the two ladies were going and if they were in a rush and if they wanted to help me.
They did. It was lovely actually. To be able to share it in the moment. They were mother and daughter. Both teachers. They said that the kids they taught would love it and it was a lovely idea. In hearing that little reassurance i felt more able to enjoy it.
They told me a little of what it is like to be a teacher right now. I felt for them In their fears and sad for the lack of freedom at school for all the kids, in a time of their life where it should all be about freedom.
My motivation had been about exactly that actually.
Sometimes these things have a hidden therapeutic value for me.
It can often fee like that magic is missing in this world now and for some has never even been there.
I remember a little boy who had a major impact on my life because of the complete non existence of love and care and safety in his life. It took me a very long time to come to terms with being unable to help him. I think of him sometimes on my walks especially when I see other kids like him. I can still see his sweet little face very clearly.
Without question one of the saddest and most distressing things for me. I still have the picture of his cake on my phone.
I know I did a good job in the time I had but I’m not tough enough for that work.
The thought of feeling like that again has been a big element in not wishing to jump back in the ring.
I put myself through quite a lot during that time.
Im this moment i was wishing to create some kind of beautiful frivolous and magical experience that is in books but never really comes true.
The thing I loved most about being a kid and the thing I loved most about being a mum was all the freedom that came from imagination. Turning it into some kind of reality. A lifeline as a kid and my joy as a mum. It always made me so happy. As a kid I was often in it all by myself but as a mum I shared it with my girl. Her whole childhood was spent in wonderful and loving make belief. It’s no surprise that she is singing and dancing and acting all day every day at uni.
Everything was about fun and pretend. Never a pressure to be or do anything and yet she always tried her hardest in everything.
But more so when it was things she loved. Of course. Because it’s only natural that you will have more energy and motivation for things you love.
She was happy. It was all that ever mattered to me.
I suppose I have been missing an outlet for my type of simple childlike creativity.
I tend to connect with kids. I probably have more in common with them than I do with most adults. Always feeling more at home with adults that are young at heart and have a genuine kindness to them. All my besties have that in common.
I connect with most people on a very superficial level. Like today.. I was so happy after putting all the bubbles on the tree and it looking so simple and magical that I walked round beaming. I could not stop smiling. Had all my happy club tunes playing as I walked along with a dancing spring in my step.
I must have looked happy. I literally got a smile from every person I passed. Proper beaming smiles back.
When I got closer to home, and the tree that is only 2 minutes from where I live, I found myself not wanting to be there. I had imagined what might have taken place at that tree in my head. How my girl or I would have reacted to bubbles in a tree. Or that little boy. Or you L. We do love to blow bubbles in the forest don’t we.
But I didn’t want to see it. In fact I felt completely awkward as I passed by. I could see that about half had already been taken. somewhere 15 kids were blowing bubbles and making wishes. I stopped for a moment to watch as I saw some kids running towards it shouting “there’s bubbles, daddy I can’t reach. Can you help me?”
It felt lovely but I also felt uncomfortable. Like I was intruding. Like I was surplus to requirement. Like I shouldn’t be there. That they might see me and if they did all the magic would be lost. And I didn’t want that magic to be lost.The illusion Of magic ruined by me being a mere human rather than Pixiebel. What a let down.
I moved along quickly and went home.
But was left thinking later about why I struggle to connect with a lot of people in a casual friendship way.
Perhaps it’s a time thing? If I’m gonna spend my time with friends I’d rather be with the ones I really care about and I can be myself with.
Or do I feel less trusting of others now? Have I heard too much in that room with clients?
Did I see and feel too much in that training? Have I hurt myself in taking too many risks?
Have I opened up and revealed too much of the darker elements of who I am and my past which leaves me feeling ugly?
And having removed myself from that professional world for a while am I now just another lesser human with all my very human fears and insecurities that cant compete in such a perfect world where everyone apparently has all the answers to everything . They don’t have all the answers. It’s just an arrogance that makes them think they do. After all who would have the courage to challenge them? Especially when their audience are the most vulnerable. Do I need to point out the power differential.
I may be just a normal person but I have lived a life of both wonderful and sad full of all sorts of experiences.
I’m loving and caring and kind and thoughtful and clever and creative And dreamy and fun.
But I’m also a little irrational, and emotional with darker elements.
It just makes me whole person.
I get stuff right but I also get things wrong but I own it all and fundamentally I like who I am. I have a really good heart.
I’m scared of lots of things but I still try to take risks and I feel happy most of the time.
When I got home I bumped into my neighbour who asked me if I was interested yet in taking up the room he has offered.
I haven’t wanted to up till now.
But today when he mentioned it I found myself saying, Yes.. .. in the new year.
Out of nowhere and in not “the perfect place” I felt ready.
Because I really do know and understand what it is to be the client.
To feel the vulnerability of what that is.
To understand about power differences and the absolute importance of self awareness.
Because Im not there to fix or turn them into a version of me, or to feel as though I have all the answers to a life and a person that they know so much better than I ever will. I’m a human just like them. With flaws and imperfections.
In a world full of people who think they know better there are also people who really care, who really listen, who really want to understand and who will keep on trying.
I realise that to change anything requires courage. Its easy to just give up. I didn’t give up. I just needed to give myself a little bit of time to heal not to be the perfect model. In fact the person who thinks they are the perfect model probably has even more flaws than me.
As for all those questions above.. I don’t know all the answers but being able to ask them is what makes me stronger.
I understand now how much more I need to take care of myself if I wish to do this job really well.
And a little bit of yoga isn’t self care. Not even close.
It goes so much deeper. I didn’t realise till I stopped just how deeply and how much it had all impacted on my own sense of self.
If I do this it means taking care of myself and being able to ask for help. So that I can help others to take care of themselves. It’s all about paying it forward.
I don’t care about looking like a somebody. I only want to be a somebody to the people I love and care about and who love and care about me too .. and to people who need some care and support in their difficult moments.
And to do it all just as we are.
And feel proud in exactly that.
It’s taken me a little while to get here.
Sorry I’m late!