Flames

Tonight the sun set with such blazing .orange flames that It stopped me in my tracks.
As I sat on the settee I caught a glimpse of orange through the hedge in my garden. It was like it was calling out to me. I couldn’t take my eyes of. Like a warmth that was urging me to step outside. I found myself walking across the muddy grass in my socks with my phone in my hand and as I looked through the gap I saw a sea of flaming orange trees merging into a deep pink sky. It was mesmerising.
It’s timing being just as incredible as it’s colours. What the hell was a sky like that doing behind my back garden?
A vision that was so out there and on fire that made me feel something against the contrasting numbness in remembering who I am and where I’m from.
In seeing my continuing real life struggles played out in front of me and feeling so embarrassed in being that rather than the successful and confident types from that group.
Feeling so exposed in al my openness and wishing I could take it all back.
Struggling to get back on my feet. Feeling those constant money worries. Reverting into someone I was previously in order survive in this world and be what others need.
Feeling all those insecurities and anxieties. Worrying about messing things up or being looked down on.
Feeling the fears of being hurt by those I trust. Irrational swirling and swirling around me as I try to find my way through all the pressures of real life.
Why does that bloody group chat always surface in the moments I feel like I’m struggling. When life feels even tougher. Why does it have the ability to create knots in my stomach without me looking at a single message. That just seeing names makes me want to vanish.
And yet leaving me with the complete inability to remove myself from it. Less wanting to miss out and more wanting to get out without anyone seeing me go. Why can’t you do that? I mute but I would just like to disappear. Sometimes I wish I could switch what’s app off completely but I can’t because of work.
Why is it that when that group resurfaces it always leave me feeling like such a loser, a nobody, Less!

I tried to capture the vision of that sunset with my phone. Even my phone had no storage left on it.
But I did manage to take one picture and despite it not quite capturing the beauty of what I saw in that moment, it was still a pretty amazing picture. Perhaps all it was missing was my feeling… like flames..
As I came back inside and the sky darkened the golden flames intensified. It made me feel like I saw a part of me that I can’t get to right now. She definitely exists. A version beyond the normal.
I had a brief moment of feeling something more.

Last night P arrived at the flat with his dad who was let out of hospital after having two operations.
I wasn’t expecting them. But they had released him under the proviso that he had some decent arrangements for care.
Apparently I was that arrangement.
I didn’t ask any questions. I just sorted out my room for him with clean sheets removing all obstacles to avoid him having a fall and then set about making a shepherds pie.
I wasn’t sure who was in more need of care as they both sat there looking like lost and tired kids.
He is so frail now that he has very little strength. But he hates being in hospital and if he can get out, he will. I think they came to the flat lookimg for warmth and care. The kind that comes with alot of attention.
I certainly saw the relief in both of their faces as I just got on with the job of caring.
I live in a world where thats what women do.
And the men imagine that they are looking after the women. I felt like I was looking at two little boys who wanted their mum.
If I’m honest I was glad that they came to the flat rather than the other way round. It’s much easier to create cosy in my own home and I felt better knowing that he was safe and cared for.
As I went to sleep I could hear a symphony of snoring echoing through the flat.
I had to smile. Bloody kids. But I was so tired that I just fell asleep in my girls bed feeling happy in knowing that everyone was ok and safe.

I feel myself preparing for this next part. It feels hard now but I know what is to come. And last time I found it very traumatic. We all did.
I’ve been here before. It is difficult and painful and comes with no time line. Holding on to them like precious jewels but not wishing for them to suffer.
The pain of love at its most brutal.
I find myself numbing everything else in order to be what is required.
Feeling like I just need little happy moments and to feel others care.
Hiding in not wanting others to witness a lesser version, a version that in that previous experience was difficult to control. Distancing where I need to as protection for myself and others. All my fears magnified on the approach whilst on the surface I look completely calm and in control.
But the cracks showing in only being human. wanting to plaster over them as opposed to sharing.
Please Let me find my way through this and come out the other side feeling proud.

As I saw those orange flames I imagined J sending them to me as a sign. I know she would feel proud of me in trying to take care of her boys.
I just need to feel proud of myself.

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