I’ve got quite a lot to say. So I’m just gonna ramble on like someone is listening.
It’s all the little stuff .. only it’s not so little to me. It’s those little things that are always the big difference. Those little things that keep me going. Those little things that make me believe in more. Those little things make me smile.
It can be so easy to wander through life so focussed on the big stuff that you can miss all the little smiles.
I remember reading about something similar once. I think it was described as big waves and little ripples.
It’s always been more about the little ripples for me. The ripples create the big waves in me. Because a little like being quiet, they are an illusion hiding all that sits underneath. I always see beyond what sits on the surface. There is always a whole lot more than meets the eye when you look a little closer.
I have always believed in the concept of “it’s the thought that counts.”
Missing the small smiles is one thing that I definitely don’t struggle with. In fact every time those difficult things merge together and turn into something bigger I find that I notice the smaller things even more. They become even brighter, even more vivid, even more beautiful and awe inspiring.
I find I have to reboot all the time so that I can break down the big stuff into lots of bite size pieces that I can manage. I mean sometimes they are a little more chunky and tough to swallow but then if I woofed the whole lot down in one go I would most certainly choke and I would definitely miss all those other beautiful and subtle and magical flavours that you need an extra special pallet to taste.
A little like celebrity master chef where the chefs try too hard to have it all on the same plate at once only to find that it doesn’t quite work.
“I couldn’t quite taste the flavour or this or that” the judges say or “it overpowered and took away from the main element of that dish.”
Unless you are a master of flavours like Santosh.
You knew it would taste amazing but more than that I completely loved his laid back way of cooking. “I think you need to get those in the oven now” Monika said. “Yeah I will when I’m ready” I imagine him thinking. I know exactly what I’m doing. It tastes better when I cook it in my way in my own time.
It just all looked sooooo good that I felt like I wanted to put hand into the tv to taste it. I certainly imagined.
Quite funny that I’m writing about food when I hardly cook. Ripples of inspiration from a wave I love surfing on.
In reality I eat better when my girl is here. When she isn’t, like Nigella, I do heat alot of stuff up in the meecrowavey.
But of course when looking after others I can of course knock up some flavourless classics that everyone loves… shepherds pie, sausage and mash and a nice roast dinner. On a revolving conveyor belt.
Fry a bit of mince, peel a few potatoes, throw it in a pot and cook at 180 degrees (the standard temperature for, well everything) and bobs your uncle, empty plates five minutes later being handed back for me to wash up.
Love a cooking show though. I think I’m the Greg of this outfit.
I’m no chef but I do love to eat … Other people’s food 🤪
Anyways veering away from food I have found that in amongst all the tiredness, stress, and upset I’m still functioning and finding little smiles all over the shop.
I do have moments where I feel like I want to scream.
The constant demands coming from trying to contain others stresses. As frustration and upset overtakes from different directions I find myself saying “give it to me, I’ll sort it”.
I find it easier to quietly and happily just get on with things than feel all their anxiety and stress.
Their vibe can easily overpower mine when I don’t have the time and space to be in places that balance me. I find it easier to keep things feeling as calm as possible. I really like peace even if often it can feel difficult to find.
And I feel this need from others for me to be around constantly so that their worlds function a little more easily and they don’t have to worry. I don’t mind. I really don’t. It makes me feel better when I see them feel better, but it also leaves me with very little space for me to just be me. So I end up disappearing inside.
So without all the little things I think I would eventually disappear into the walls like the missing boy and the monster in “Stranger Things”. I’m so captivated by this show. I think L knew I would be. It has a touch of the goonies about it with the lovely friendship of the misfit kids who meet the weird girl, mixed in with x files which I never actually watched but I imagine had a similar feel.
Like a little kid I’ve held the cushion in front of me a few times now. I know.. I’m such a scaredy cat. This is a kids show. They’re harder core than me. If I struggle not to let my imagination run away with me when I watch this imagine how I would be with some really scary horror film.
I don’t even go there.
This is like Doctor Who hide behind the settee weeping angels scared. The other would give me proper nightmares. No thanks. I prefer happy dreams.
Anyways I’m hooked.
Could I be any more contrasting in my ways.
The grown up adult who takes control of the real stuff and holds it all together in all its practicalities and responsibilities.
It has never felt like there are a huge amount of perks in being a grown up. But I have always loved being a mum and sex is a lovely pleasure I know how to enjoy. Other than that I’m struggling..,
Come in the dreamy girl who likes exactly the same things as when she was a kid. No change at all. No new grown up sophistication. Even when I’ve dressed up and gone to fancy restaurants in my head I’ve always been a child in a grown up dress pretending.
Happy to cosily sit watching a kids programme with a cushion to hide behind, munching on chocolates with a straw in my tea 😂 I love straws. Especially the slurpy bit at the end.
If I think about the last couple of weeks there has been all sorts of dreamy little things that have made me smile.
Like that Friday when I had that moment of feeling lifted as I saw the incredible sunset from my garden and just for a moment it gave me something extra. It made me remember a part of me that feels so hidden but somewhere inside still exists. Not really having the time, means or place right now to show up. In fact it feels like most parts of me are wanting to hide behind each other. Pushing someone else to the front but no one really wanting to show their face. Not being seen at all right now suits me perfectly. From anonymous Pixie to just a voice in MS team meetings, to having zero interest in virtual meet ups. I am an expert at hiding when I want or need to.
Or a couple of weeks ago walking home through the forest when I saw something hanging in the bubbles tree.
It was late and there was no one around. I went to check it out.
It was a present inside a plastic bag with a note saying Thankyou for making my wish come true Bella xxx
Is it for me I wondered?
Pixie Bel or Bella? Is it too much of a coincidence? Same tree 1 week later. My message being “blow some bubbles and make a wish, some of which were written on Belle tags. Just the change from an E to an A making me question and re question. What if it is meant for someone else? I found myself trying to be logical about it and then messaging L for her take. It must be?
It has probably been there all day and no one had taken it.
But I left it on the tree. And then couldn’t stop thinking about it. What if I just leave it. Then they will think I don’t want it or I don’t care.
I really wanted it. It felt like such a wonderful thing for someone to share their happiness in something that I was happy to give and had made me happy just in that.
I didn’t need anything back but the surprise in finding it created such excitement in me, in the same way as maybe I did for them.
I ended up walking back into the forest with my torch in the dark and collecting it. Crazy pixie!
And yet I didn’t feel scared.
When I got home and opened it there was a really beautiful message in a card that made me feel wonderful actually. And with it was a gift of a stone with a picture of an angel on it that said Ein
Schutzengel.. I did German at school but I didn’t recognise the word schutz so I looked it up. Guardian.. A Guardian Angel.
What a lovely thing to be given . It made me feel so happy and also very beautiful. A word that was used to describe me in their letter itself. I found myself wondering what her wish had been?
The day before I had received an unexpected call from my friend as I was lying cosily in bed. I was half asleep and for some reason their name didn’t come up. So I was surprised when I heard their voice. But really happy surprised.
There is something so different for me in that . I only actually have to hear their voice. It sounds different to a message. Softer, warmer, funnier, familiar and completely easy and comfortable. Seeing them on a screen would only take away from that.
Whereas with just their voice I was lying on a cloud chattering away about somethings and nothings and not noticing the time pass until I realised I was late and was rushing.
And then my friend K who sends me images of things in exactly the right moment that they capture something I’ve said or I’m finding harder to express. Allowing me to say it as I feel it in that moment. Creating a little wave in the vast expanse of the ocean that will soon settle.
And of course my L and M who were once again my last people to see before another lockdown. It’s no coincidence. My original plans changed again in favour of a festive pizza but it was the extra toppings that my girls provide in all their warmth and realness and beauty and fun and love that makes all the difference.
I couldn’t imagine a life if I had never met them or the other special people that I love so much. What I share with them brings so much magic to my life.
With my girl it’s a constant stream of them, from brushing my hair when I tired or sending me a pg tips competition.
Oh no!!! Not another monkey 🐵 I had one appear on the internet earlier in the week that sent me into an irrational spin but also enabled me to finally leave that group. I have felt so much better in knowing that I no longer have to feel those knots. Perhaps it’s running away from feelings that sit inside me, or perhaps it’s running towards something new that won’t make me feel like that anymore. Either way I feel better.
A feeling that was also captured as I found myself watching Field of Dreams the other day. An older film about baseball that was about so much more.
More being the power that is held in belief.
Belief in more, belief in magic, belief in love .. belief in things that can’t be explained.
“Go the distance”. words whispered in the air.
“Is there enough magic out there in the moonlight to make these dreams come true”.
Yes I believe there is. I’ve always felt it and right now it feels like it is surrounding me and protecting me and reminding me that it’s all about that the little things and the smiles they create