The Upside Down

The upside down

2pm today.. then 18 days off work ..never have I needed time off so badly. Im completely worn out. I look so run down and feel so ugly.
Im really hoping to get some moments to myself.
Or maybe not… but I at least have one less thing to worry about. One less demand for 18 whole days. And that helps.

Christmas may be cancelled for many but I feel as excited as if you were sending me to the sun. I don’t need to do anything or go anywhere. I’ll cook some turkey and add a few trimmings, try to create a day where some fun can be had, a few more memories can be captured and some pain can be relieved for a moment.
When I write sometimes about how I feel I think it must read like I’m the most selfish and self centred person in the world.
In my blog I guess I am. Throwing it all out in here so that in reality I’m not.
I try my hardest and wish so much to be a person I can feel proud of in the things I do and the way I behave towards others. But I’m only a human with my own wants needs desires. Carrying all sorts of jumbled up feelings that don’t necessarily fit when thinking of the happiness and wellbeing of others. Doing what I consider are the things that feel right but often not right for me. And finding that in doing that, inside it can rip me to shreds in having to pretend that all of those wants needs desires dont exist and my own feelings of sadness and loss don’t hurt.
They do and the only way to manage it is to bury it all deeply so that I can be what I need to be. Sounds easy but believe me when I say that I feel those ripples all the time usually in dreams and I often am left feeling stupid for being made the way I’m made.

Anyways any bit of time I do get to myself will be spent reading my book my friend gave me, or practising piano, or watching films or walking in the forest or or or .. it doesn’t actually matter… just anything that makes me feel like a human rather than just a machine.

Whilst others are grieving the big Christmas celebrations I’m feeling grateful to not have to perform to the many.
Being boring and nerdy is very appealing for me.

I do however dream of a spa day with a full body massage followed by a cocktail in the jacuzzi.. it made me smile just writing it. Good enough!

Writing helps me not to feel alone when I feel alone.
It’s weird because I can’t feel anything but when I’m by myself I often cry. Silent numb tears. I don’t even know what I’m crying for.

I’m also feeling my girls sadness on top right now which comes out in a similar way to her dads, with me being the safe place for that. Frustration and angry with everyone.
She’s also tired from her job at Morrison’s. She’s only done 2 days love her. But I think it is also good for her… helping to take her mind off the realities of her grandad.
She’s a girl who has always loved her grandparents and made a proper fuss of them. Calling her grandad regularly when she was at uni to make sure he was ok which he would then mention the next time I saw him. He’s so proud of her. Something he shared in a letter he wrote to her before she went to uni. Him telling her that she was an old fashioned sweetheart that are rare in this modern world is something I think she feels proud of in herself. Those old fashioned values still living on in her. It’s the Nancy effect. Tarts with hearts.

As for me my escape right now comes in the form of my new favourite show. As I march into Series 2.
It’s like my treat. Finding a space every few days to watch it.
It’s become less about the story and more about my fascination with the characters and their relationships. Connecting and relating to so much.
And there is definitely something about it being set in an era when I was a kid. Makes it even more relatable for me when I see relationships through kids eyes. I think the Duffer brothers definitely have kids eyes.
Throwing up the simpleness of all sorts of little details that made life so magical before the internet but no longer exist now. In fact if you weren’t there, you probably wouldn’t even notice them.
I smile at every episode thinking how glad I am that I was a kid back then. Get on my bike first thing in the morning never to be seen again until it got dark and I rode home with no lights. No one wore a helmet.
What a comedy world I live in now with all the safety rules for everything. It’s a wonder I’m still alive 😂
I once rode my bike so fast down the hill that I couldn’t stop and I ended up crashing into someone’s front garden falling into a rose bush.
Omg I was cut to shreds and I had to sit on a cushion for a week. Tom boy nutter!
Just one of many crazy incidents. I never did think about consequences.
I never have learnt my lesson.

Feels so sad as I see the last of those things I love being wiped out by this pandemic.It was only a matter of time but this has just speeded up the inevitable.

Things that have been thrown away without a care in favour of more high tech and glamorous options that apparently make all our lives simpler and better.
Then why does everything feel so much more complicated and worse.
Or is it important that you don’t know what it once looked like so you no longer know what you’re missing.
And “the money” never got it anyways.
There are some things that you only know about if you grew up with fuck all.

It’s funny how often we talk about mental health now.
If everything makes our lives so much simpler and better then why have we all got so many issues.,
Even mental health has become its own industry. It might overtake plastic surgery as the most profitable line of business in the health wellbeing and beauty market.
I wonder if the bigger and shinier the office the more they care?

I guess what I’m longing for so much is a purity of life that no longer exists. It’s hard to find anything in life now that hasn’t been given that sanitised and airbrushed effect other than nature itself.
Although I suppose if you can make a rule that only high value business travellers can fly in the sky then how long before we have similar version on land and sea.
So best I make the most of the forest while I can especially when noone else is there, before it becomes the stomping ground of the high value developers. City of London corporation are quoted as saying “we would never sell that land. It would have to be desperate times.” Hmmm … desperate times?!!!!

Anyways I am drawn to the boy who was in the upside down and is now back in the world he knows. Only everything has changed even though everything is exactly the same.
In fact it is he who has changed along with those around him.,As was pointed out last night, there is no going back to the way things were, before he got lost in that dark place. Too much happened to pretend it didn’t.

Yes.. I thought.. I can try but when it affects my feelings I don’t know how to do that. I wish I did.
Instead I continually hurt myself deep down inside.

I watch him try his best to assimilate into an old normality but he is now left feeling like a freak. They call him zombie boy. Yeah I feel that. It’s very isolating in not being able to really share how you are feeling. Or even really feel it.
Better to push it all down and pretend that it’s all fine.
But then without any warning he finds himself in moments in the dark place of the upside down again. Finding himself frozen to the spot.

I find myself relating in every way to what that looks like. Trying to be the same girl, that existed before, doing the same things in the same way.
But I feel different. So I push it down. Deeper and deeper.
And yet all of a sudden if I start to feel any of what sits buried inside me I just end up feeling completely stupid. It’s the most stupid I’ve felt in life. Telling myself that I have to be made of much tougher stuff than I am and I certainly need to care less. Being more fickle would work. Not giving a shit would help. Unfortunately I’m none of the above so stupid I feel.

And then I feel like that I’m no longer in control. And I really need to be in control right now. Otherwise I can’t function. Being in control of how I feel is the only way to get through the realities that are way more important than my feelings.

But there are ripples…

I’m using the tune my own 11 send to me.
L for short.
Coincidence? There’s no such thing.

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