Blank …. Actually

I lay in bed for a bit longer this morning, curled up in a little ball stroking my skin for comfort. I remember stroking my nan’s skin when she lay in hospital. It was baby soft. I think I have your genes nan 😘

I might be the only person who is losing weight this Christmas. In one day I think I went back down a dress to a size 8.
A roller coaster of worry in trying to care.

By the end of Christmas Day P’s dad was back at A&E struggling to breathe. Less corona more fluid on his lungs.
This is how cancer seems to work. Taking its time in breaking things down one by one.

The whole day had felt like a juggling act in care and cooking dinner. One minute the beautiful aroma of turkey and stuffing as I put together a Christmas special, the next a very different aroma and trying to help him maintain his dignity. . I think he is past the point of showing embarrassment but I’ve known him for half my life and I know that he must feel it inside. It just makes me so sad that he has to go through this but the practical stuff doesn’t phase me. It’s just a part of being human, getting older and not being well. I just wanted him to not worry.
And I find it tough to see him like this.
It’s tougher for P and my girl adores her grandad. She feels very protective of him.
I could see how chuffed he was with the mug that she gave him that had a picture of them together looking like gamgsta rappers.
They always have a laugh together.
You could tell that he felt loved.

Another scan to check on things. He’s just so frail.
But being in hospital also gives him some much needed professional care that isn’t available normally because of this covid situation.
We are not experts in this and we need help.
This is also a little respite.
But no one could care more. Truth is we are just trying our best.
What I might lack in day to day glamour and sophistication I try to make up for in blank … actually
I’m not afraid of the real stuff.

But I’m just a normal person, I do scrub up pretty well when I have the time and I make the effort. And I love the romance of life.
I’ll always be the dreamy girl at heart.. Thats where the magic lives. In the realities of life it is the means to survive but In the dreaminess shared with another it can be epic adventures and fairytales.
There’s a lot of quiet and hidden power in magic.

Anyways on Christmas Eve I stocked up on magic. Feeling it in the air as I spent the vast majority of the day all by myself.
Walking in the forest and then to the shops. I felt that Christmas Eve vibe that was enhanced by an early present from memory lane. I skipped along that lane very happily wrapped up warm in my not so glamorous but very cosy puffa jacket and beanie, carrying a plastic bag, as I tried to see all memory lanes details as I imagined it in my head.

I was up at 5am that morning trying to finish the work that I was trying to complete by 2pm the day before. 18 days suddenly became 17.
2pm never happened as I still sat there tapping away at 6pm. Someone else’s last minute rush now becoming mine. Trying to fit a weeks work into a couple of hours was never going to happen and being the type that never wants to let others down I will be getting up super early in the coming days to get it done. Whilst trying to preserve the time that I was hoping to give to myself. It always seems to get snatched away. Actually the reality is that I willingly give it.
But I shan’t waste time analysing what is just part of my make up. I’m sure I could change myself into the opposite if I really wanted but then I wouldn’t be me anymore. Even though those parts don’t always make life easy for me. But when I look around at some of the alternatives I know that they wouldn’t really fit.
Right for others I’m sure , but just not for me.
In fact since removing myself from a world where I would have always felt like I was just that little bit less, I have felt less pressure to have to try to be or fit with something that I’m not.
Something that was discussed with my neighbour when I bumped into him in the forest. The counsellor/carpet fitter. He totally got it. And said “you should do this” “you’re made for it”. He said he would help me to get up and running next year. Let’s get your profile sorted and then just go.. It felt like he really wants to help me even though he has been up and running for ten years. “You would do the same back” he said. I’ve lived opposite for twenty years. Well with a gap. He knows I’m a goodun. I know I’m a goodun.
And for once i didn’t feel embarrassed in not being a success. it felt ok that I had lost my motivation and confidence in trying to start yet again.
What I haven’t lost is my confidence in knowing how to be with people who needed someone to care. I know exactly how to be that.
In the end none of my previous clients would have cared about the the big words and theory. They just wanted to feel like I gave a shit and they had a friend. They always knew I did and I was.

In my world it’s ok to not have it all, not to be picture perfect, sophisticated and glamorous or be the best. I don’t care about that stuff. I mean I’d love to look like some gorgeous model and not have to worry about paying the bills but I’ll manage in life without it. For me theres a whole different criteria which is less about what you do and what you’ve got, what you look like and is all about who you are as a person. That’s where the beauty lives for me. And I like living in that world.
Because it’s ok that it’s all fucked up and messy and full of struggles and that I am just trying to make ends meet and trying my best for others and not living the dream. I live dreams in moments when I’m really really lucky
My success comes in the form of those happy little moments. I love love love sharing those magic moments. They mean everything to me.

And those people that I love and care about, that surround me in life don’t care about perfection either.
Not being perfect and not having much doesn’t matter, because they know I would share everything that i do have. And that’s more than enough.

That doesn’t mean that I’m giving up on more. It just means that I don’t wish to compete in a competition that I never entered into.
I don’t care about winning. I just like being part of what has the potential to make me and others happy. If I can make things a little easier for me in the process then that would be a bonus but it will never be the driver. The driver will always be about something so much more important for me … blank actually.
By the time I went to sleep that night I was completely cream crackered knowing that the next day was going to be full on.

I loved the smile I was given when I transposed in my mind an image of a present coming down my chimney. Pixiebell In a world of dirty cocktails and forever blowing… bubbles.
I like to think that I’m a fairy who was born to be a little naughty and nice.
That’s how my Christmas morning began.

As I shared messages with people I love I noticed a profile picture of an acquaintance.
“All you need is family” it said.. “what is family?” I thought.

Only a couple of the people I had messages with were actual family tree family. The rest were my alternative family. In fact I was completely blanked by my own sister who doesn’t care much for my decisions relating to my dad. I felt her coolness with me. In reality I’m just carrying on as normal. I haven’t said a word. Just quietly dealing with my own stuff. I’m not sure why it matters to her so much. If she is happy with her choice then why does it matter so much about mine. Im not being mean or horrible. I just feel more at peace in not letting it all back in again. Protecting myself from a whole new lot of hurt.
I’m a parent. I know how this relationship works.
I have a version with my girl that is beautiful and I know what I have given to that and what I get back in return.
I sent her kisses and good wishes. I don’t want to upset her with my choices.
But I also dont wish to be part of some family drama so I’m happy to disappear.

Meanwhile my close friends have my back. So much love passing back and forth because these relationships have been built over time and are really special and they know me.
I didn’t have time to open presents yesterday in all the business of basic care and cooking Christmas dinner. But having time to open cards from L&M filled with beautiful words. The magical Christmas picture on the card from L making me smile in her seeing me in a way that made me feel special.
What a special person in this world she is.
And the a key ring from my mate boozy. A little elephant to represent a friend who is kind and loyal and never forgets. I felt very emosh(that was expanded by the queens speech a little later) because we have known each other for such a long time and been through so much together. My mate boozy not the queen 😂and always looked out for each other and had so much fun.. and then never forget, kind, loyal.. I’ve always loved elephants for that very reason. I used to have a tiny elephant necklace that I gave to another special friend for that very same reason. I wonder if they remember or still have it. I really hope so.

My girl said to me today that even despite all the hard work and difficulties of the day that she really loved it.
A Christmas dinner she helped me to prepare over wine and a porno martini, cracker Jokes and table presents, Des o Connor singing in the background, a little blankety blank with an inflatable hot tub prize in the supermatch game. Only a little Del Boy missing but I practically had the real version in the room even if he was hidden somewhere in that broken shell. There was something special for me in seeing them having that special shared time together that in the morning didn’t seem possible.

I went to bed feeling completely exhausted but feeling proud.
I really hope you are proud of me too J. ❤️

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