Yesterday I noticed the coat that had been hanging over the chair at my little dinner table since Christmas Day.
What’s that wording I thought?
SEB Skandinaviska Enskilda Banken.
What? The place where Bjorn Again sang at our Christmas lunch, I drove a tank faster than I was meant to and I lost my shoes over the side of a Party boat along the Thames. Another crazy little chapter full of stuff.
And then I remembered that 20 years ago for some completely unknown reason, my employer had offered us a free branded coat. Had I been working for Chanel I would have been all over it but I wasn’t really feeling Barbour country wear. “I’m never gonna wear that” I thought. Didn’t really go with short skirts and high heels which was my look of the day back then as i sashayed through our Swedish office like I was Agneta about to break into Dancing Queen.
But that thought was closely followed by “but I know a man who will”. So I ordered an extra large and gave it to P’s dad. It was a proper nice quality coat as it happened and he didn’t care a less about the logo. He was well chuffed.
I smiled that all these years later he was still wearing it. I wonder what happened to everyone else’s.
What is happening right now with him goes well beyond just wanting to help P. I care about him very much just as I did for J.
Life feels chaotic and complicated. I woke up this morning feeling so frustrated with life and with myself. Had to get up before I screamed. What a complete bloody mess. Financially, practically and in feelings
Who am I kidding? Im not in control of anything. I’m just being pulled along on a wave and trying not to go under. I haven’t got a fucking clue what I’m doing. I’m just trying to keep going and hope there is an other side. A side where I might be able to make a single choice based on who I am and how I feel as opposed to, just try to survive.
And in moments like this I get scared and wonder if perhaps I’m all done with adventures and I am being forced to grow up.
Something I’ve managed to swerve inside as I remain like the eternal kid who just wants to go out to play.
Don’t get me wrong. I’ve never swerved my responsibilities but always doing those in my own way.
Thinking about Upscaling, home furnishings, or the master plan for my child never even registered with me. And listening to others do that grown up small talk about such things always sends me into a very deep coma.
I did all the stuff you need to do as a parent but a bit like homework at school I got all the boring stuff done fast and passable so that we could just go and enjoy all the fun stuff. Riding our bikes, going to the park, having tea parties with teddy bears.
It’s not like I worry about getting older. Its just a fact of life.
But I love adventures and I still have the energy and fun to have more. There’s a difference in what you see on the outside to what lies inside.
I mean of course it would be lovely if we could get older but still look twenty forever. I mean I had a pretty kicking bikini body back then but I can still get away with one now. I can live with that.
But if I have to gradually look older at least I always have the dreamy kid inside to do it with.
She’s never changed. She can make believe the whole lot and take me on all sorts of adventures. She doesn’t look older, feel older, or care about getting older. Because she never changes. She’ll be rocking it till her last blow.
When I think of my closest friends I think about them like we are 12 years old. And wanting to take them on adventures with me. These are the people I love to share with. They are the little gang that don’t all know each other but they all bring something really special to the party.
I feel especially warm and fuzzy to my closest friends right now. Maybe not closest in distance or closest in being part of my day to day but if I think of them in where they are held in my heart then they couldn’t be any nearer to the centre.
Like the real treasures that I found on my adventures that might be disguised to others but I see the wonderful secrets of who they are.
Of course I have my little M. She is my girl but she is also my friend. She being the closest in my day to day life and as with all my friends only ever needing to be herself. Just that very thing makes me the proudest I can feel in life in being part of hers. Giving a meaning to my life in loving and being loved.
K who just gave me the most beautiful book I ever read. Ever!!! I can’t stop looking at it. Keeping it close by like a friend holding my hand.
If I said I was looking for things that had a purity to them then my friend K gave me exactly that in something so beautiful and inspiring in its childlike simplicity.
I can’t even begin to express what a difference it has made to how I feel inside ever since I opened it.
Like someone talking to the child in me in a language that I can hear and understand.
As though I am at the bottom of my bed listening to My imaginary friends. Reminding me of things I should know and feel but I struggle every single day with.
The kind of feelings that I find so easy to wish for others but find so much harder to accept for myself.
Being so unforgiving of myself in a way that I pretend to be of my dad but secretly inside I don’t feel like that at all. I love him as much as I did when I was a little girl but I just can’t bear any more heartache. It just hurts too much and it feels easier to hurt myself than feel hurt by him.
But K with her beautiful book reminded me to try to be kinder to myself and also to feel proud of who I am in all my imperfectness. She just blows me away in how compassionate and beautiful she is. I remember someone clumsily saying once “speak up. I can’t hear you”. but unfortunately they weren’t listening.
As is so often the case, the most creative and interesting and intelligent and beautiful voices find a way of sharing that doesn’t require them to shout the loudest or overpower others.
Often those that do, end up missing out on all the wonder that is sitting right there in front of them. It is missed because they don’t take time or care in understanding a different way of speaking. When I ask what her shares mean to her I am left in pure wonderment. This unassuming person is such a powerhouse in deciding to do things in life and then doing them. And contained within so much humility is a depth of thought and feeling that leaves me inspired and wishing to learn more. If it were to all come out in one go I believe it would light up the whole night sky and the universe beyond. There is so much hidden that must make her inner world the most fascinating and fantastical place to explore.
Can I just feel lucky in capturing a little of her light which has made my life a whole lot lovelier since she became my friend.
L who thoughtfully shares herself in all her little touches of creativity. A card with a forest fairy princess carrying a robin, or a pixiebell tag, or lovingly embroidering my Cinderella slipper. She keeps it real and funny and makes it all magic. Always wanting the best for others but so deserving of the best herself. She makes me feel like I’m a friend worth having. Whereas I feel like I hit the jackpot in finding her. Doesn’t time fly L. But don’t we have so many shared little moments of golden time. Alongside another M with her always sweet words. A heart that she gave me in a colour of remembering. She provides the faith that all will be well which comes from a place that she has faith in. I’m not sure I ever met someone who did so much good doing for others but can shake her booty like a gorgeous diva. Independent and strong and yet with a beautiful softness and fun.
S codename B who gave me a big little elephant to remind me of our everlasting strong and enduring friendship. We have seen through so much in life. Sharing crazy and fun moments and been a part of each other’s difficulties and sadnesses. A bond that was made when we were young crazy carefree girls and is unchanged.
And D. The most complicated friend I ever had who sends me dreamy inspirations that keep me going or send me off into a dreamy spin.
Who gives me a place to share just as I am with no filter or pretence. Never feeling like I have to be something. I can just rock up as me and that’s enough.
Its impossible not to be fascinated and caught up in the details of all those shares back. Seeing a different world through different eyes but constantly meeting in the overlap. Shared adventures that are epic.
Dreamy magic would be my description.
Sometimes it just takes a moment of quiet and thoughts of my special’s to get my coat on and go dancing in the forest.
I’ve never cared much for New Years. It has always felt like a pressure to join a party that holds no real meaning for me. I love to dance but I like to dance when I want, in my own way, to the music I love.
Even more so if I’m around those special few.
So why put off to tomorrow what I can do right now. In my head my friends will be right there dancing with me.