Not too shabby

Delete Delete Delete..
Deleting post after post as I splash those quickly changing thoughts on my blog, and then make room for a new version.
Lonely.. I think that might be the most used word in this ramble. I’m not quite sure how I feel. Just quiet I think.
But feeling more quiet is allowing me to focus my mind in a deeper place.
Trying to put my own head into some order.
Which helped me to hear the birds this morning through my opened window like the original Disney Princess.
It was lovely to hear their song.
Quiet is an under rated quality and pleasure and feeling.

I asked the question in my last deleted post in how the repair shop might fix me. But while watching the repair shop me and my girl had both agreed that there was something lovely in things not being perfect. In fact when I think of things I hold special, it is because they remind me of a time gone by. To completely renovate them would lose something of the magic that exists through wear and tear. A perfect article would lose its charm. It’s why I love real books so much. Old fashioned I may be but I live what I love.
So maybe less repair and more rejuvenate. I want to feel good about all of me. Inside and out.
So that when the world opens up again, and I have more choices, that I use all that quiet potential I am hiding inside for something really wonderful. I know I am capable of so much given the chance and the means and a little bit of luck.
I have nothing to prove to anyone else. I have proved so much to myself. But I do wish to try to use my life for something meaningful. Some people want to be rich and successful and admired.
I really don’t care about those things at all. But being everything I can be would be wonderful, spending my time trying to help others would be incredible and I’d just like be the really happy girl again.
She is smiley and dreamy and fun and warm and loving. And she skips through life like a child. She exists but it’s just not her time right now. Sometimes life requires a different version. I’m digging deeper for her.

There are a lot of things that I see flying around. The motivational stuff that does the rounds. I avoid it a lot as I need to find my own version. I can’t swallow someone else’s self help book and make it mine.
I have to think about what is bothering me. Unpick it, dissect it, see it from one perspective and then look at it again from another.
At that point I read a little or watch things that add something else to the mix.
I have to work out what it means to me and why.
It’s all a bit long winded and rarely ends up with a perfect and life changing answer but it quietly makes me grow in my own individual way. But more importantly it makes me more self aware. And as I become more aware I’m able to see and retain the parts of me that I like, or feel important to me or try to change what I don’t like or isn’t helpful.
But I don’t want to slot into someone else’s version of what a person should be or live life in the way I’m told is better for me. Might be better for you but I’m not you. So I have to work out my own version which sometimes can feel difficult in the confines of a world created by others.
Very often my version doesn’t look like theirs and I find myself not wishing to follow the many. Which leaves me on my own. I don’t do it on purpose. I guess there’s a bit of a rebel in me. But I know what makes me really happy and what doesn’t. I can’t just join in if I’m not feeling it. The thing is I really love having fun. Dancing, talking, laughing. I’m very good at it actually. Ive had a lot of practice. It’s hard to really have the sort of fun I love all by myself but I think I would just get drunk and slump in the corner if I was trying to have fun though a screen.

Oh the conflicts!

I feel like I’m finally putting my feet somewhere that feel a little more solid (which is funny as I listened to my friend talk about slippery paths, as I was reading through what I’ve written Sometimes I wonder if he is psychic. It made me laugh). When I say I’m putting my feet somewhere solid i only mean in my thinking about this current situation and how I’m feeling in it all. Where to start….

On Friday night I stood there making sausage and mash. It’s a favourite of P’s dad. He looks amaciated despite the fact that he eats every day. But the bowel cancer gets steadily worse and he has constant pains. And everything that he eats is lost moments after. What a horrible thing that is for him.
It just feels like such an invasion of his dignity.
It breaks my heart.
It made me think of Pavel.
Only there is no cruelty here .. other than the brutality of a disease that shows no mercy and strips away everything you are. I can’t really describe just how awful it is to watch a person I love deteriorate in such a terrible way. The only way to survive it is to be numb in it.
He is completely detached from himself. A loss of interest in wishing to talk. The effort in being around others often feels like an effort too much.
As it happened he only had two bites of dinner. I’m not the best cook but I know how to make bangers and mash. A little trifle felt easier to swallow.
What feels sad is seeing someone who is very much still alive not living. The cancer is silently spreading everywhere in slow motion. No change in the liver but it keeps Spreading beyond. It can’t be stopped but it’s certainly in no rush. And therefore he is in bed most of the time feeling unwell. Where is his quality of life. He can’t see anyone else, he can’t go anywhere. He just looks so sad and with too much time to think. I wonder what his thoughts are. I try to get him talking but he rarely wants to. Coming alive in the odd moment on the phone to his brother or friend when he sounds like he has all the energy in the world. But as the receiver goes down so does he. As he tiredly rolls over in bed. What is obvious is that he feels so very alone.

Meanwhile my girl has been feeling very sad over the past few days. Life of a 19 year old who loves to dance was feeling a little too restricted. She is a girl who just gets on with it. Showing her frustrations in moments but trying to make the best of stuff. She’s an only child. I don’t know if that makes her more self sufficient but she is very independent. But she does like being around me or P. She likes it when he is here. They sit and laugh together and watch a programme they like sharing and just like when she was a little girl she looks to him for cuddles.
With me she looks for a friend to talk to. I just let her free flow. She cried and cried and reeled off all the things that are making her sad and insecure. A time that should be so carefree and wonderful for her is full of angst in not being able to make new friends at uni, or evolve in her own independence, or have fun and be crazy in the way you should at that age and feeling all of the usual pressures of a young woman trying to match the image of beauty created by ? Who creates that? Social media often feels like a burden to her.

Is that why I dislike it so much.
Is it hers or mine. It all gets a bit scrambled up.
I am a sponge. I certainly am feeling a lot of the emotions of others.
I went to bed last night feeling exhausted but with a smile in the beautiful message my girl sent me from her bed. It’s lovely to feel loved.
An appreciation from someone whose opinion matters to me. I keep my head down and get on with stuff but she says she sees all of the different ways I try. And that I’m kind. And I’m not “mumsy” whatever that means. I think it means that I’m more of a teenager than her sometimes. Who looks after who? Whenever I look like I am struggling or I feel hurt by something or someone or I feel like I don’t matter, she always sees it and reminds me that she loves me.
I’m so lucky that we have always been really close. She is as protective of me as I am of her.
I will be so happy for her when life allows her to just be free and have fun again. She asked whether life will ever be like it was again. Like many other parents I’m sure, it makes me really sad seeing her miss time in being young. It’s the best bit. I don’t care what anyone says. It’s the most carefree time of your life. It’s what you reach back for in the shit moments to remind yourself of a time when you felt completely free. I missed some of it too. I guess I made up for it along the way. I’m sure she will as well.

Yes it can be very easy to feel demoralised. Especially as time keeps ticking on.
Inside in moments feeling “it’s not fair”.
Nope it’s not fair. For many many people. Some much more than others. Many more than me. I know what I have.
There is no more equality in this situation than any other.
Yep life ain’t fair. There it is. The truth exactly as it is. What are we gonna do. Lie down and go boohoo boohoo. I do that sometimes. It’s good to have a little blub. Got to get it out somehow but then what. It’s all about getting back up again. And sometimes I’ve found myself wondering “ for what?”
Good things don’t always come to those who wait, cheats often do prosper and sometimes the circle is broken and those good things you do don’t ever come back.
It’s like the kid at school who had all the money to buy hundreds of raffle tickets and always won the magic set. Every year. He didn’t even care about the prize. He was only interested in winning. I doubt they ever got taken out of the box.
I can only ever wonder what magic I might have created if I had won. ( ha I really do need to let that one go 😂)
But then who needs a magic set when you can create your own. And that’s what it comes down to.
There is always someone who is much worse off than me. I’ve been reminding myself of the bravery of others a lot lately.
Of what is really important in life. And what has real value. I know it but in tiredness and worry it can easily get lost.
Funny as I was thinking about exactly that, black panther sent something to me. Timing! He has been through this very same thing twice. Just as I shouted out for him back then, he is throwing it right back to me. A circle that is very much intact.
But even with perspective and self talk, sometimes its still really hard. I know myself that I’ve felt completely squashed and while I’ve felt that there have been people who have walked all over me without a care in the world. And all the times I’ve tried and tried and tried but then new obstacles present themselves one after the other and I think “I cant do it” before then thinking “yes I can .. if I can just get over this hurdle I will get to something better.”

And yet what I am actually missing all the way along is that this is all my life and there is something better. And that something is me. Because while all this stuff swirls around me and I keep on going, I am also changing and growing. Maybe it feels like wear and tear but perhaps that means I’m having a useful purpose. Rather than just sitting around looking pretty but doing very little else other than decorate. And as I have found my way through the really difficult stuff that life has thrown at me, I’ve got up and got through it in a way that I can feel proud of. A little more battered and bruised but without becoming bitter or losing my ability to love and care about others. There’s a whole lot of rejuvenation that comes from love and care.
How easy it would be to lose the very best parts of me. The stuff that matters. But she hangs on in there. It’s the strongest part.

And yet I’m only human. I never felt the cynical in me so much as in the past four years.
Looking at the inequality’s of life. Those hidden senses of entitlement. Looking down on others just because they have more. More of what? I would question. But I’ve never wanted to be like that. I’m me in all my funny little ways. But those ways care about more than just me.
My friend recommended a book. About someone’s struggle and how they kept going. I’m waiting for it to come.
Inspiration from a source that feels it will hold a lot of weight for me. In the end I wouldn’t want to be made differently. I need to feel proud of the choices I make. And as much as I’d love life to give me everything I want, I don’t actually want life to be all about me. Life is about what you do not what you get.
But it can feel like a much more difficult path. I’m no idiot. I know how this stuff works. Know your own worth blah blah blah. But what about the worth of others too. Can I try and find that balance.
And as I wish to live the best life I can, it often means accepting things for the way they are.
Won’t stop me fighting for myself and others. Theres all sorts of strength and magic and beauty that exists in places that are hidden.

So I’m obviously caught in all sorts of trails of thought. I’m chatting so I might as well ramble the lot.

Todays thought is about Deindividuation.
I read The Veldt by Ray Bradbury. I ordered it after watching a music video That was shared with me by my friend. I had seen it before but I always meant to ask why they shared it? What it meant to them.

The story behind it resonating with me in my struggles and lack of love with the virtual world. I liked this story.

So if I have no love for this virtual world why does it bother me? Because in this current situation It makes me feel even more isolated.
You’re in or you’re out. Previous to this pandemic it didn’t even cross my mind. But loneliness works in mysterious ways. What I didn’t want to be part of suddenly becomes the only thing to be part of.

And then thinking about the difference in group mentality in real life in contrast to online.

And today’s thought is also a follow on from the various things I have been watching that make me wonder about group mentality. Something I’m also interested in understanding more about. How groups function and what happens to individuals within them. What is the loss of individuality that comes from conformity.
I guess I’m on a trail of self awareness in my own feelings related to social media and also my insecurity in my external appearance and how that has been brought to life in lockdown. It feels so small and yet suddenly has been triggered and felt like a source of pressure and anxiety in not “joining in” and not wishing to be seen. So much so that I have felt the need to hide completely.
It’s easy to feel like I’m not a part of the world because I’m invisible within the virtual one. Knowing that previously It felt like a choice. It still is a choice. Only one that seems to come with bigger consequences.
Out of sight out of mind. After all there are a squillion replacements of me in a second and one touch of a button.
More is more in that world. Which immediately makes me feel less.

This little investigation is all about self awareness in my relationship with myself and also with others.
Im actually very self aware. Even though technically self awareness is not a journey I’ve been on for that long really .. but I still understand myself pretty well. I’ve always been a thinker. My whole life. Even as a kid. I could lie on the grass looking up at the clouds and think about all sorts of things for hours, until the sun went down. Dreamy yes, deep thinking, absolutely. I’m just made that way.
I guess I got caught up with other things along the way. Being young and having fun and then having a family. I suppose I was too busy to really dig into this stuff. Happy and loving was all I really needed at that point.
Since the age of 20 I was really happy in life so I didn’t much need to dig around.
But then I hit a crossroads in thinking about where I might go next. Finding new meaning for my life beyond being a mum. I love being a mum but Ive never been the controlling type that wants to live life through my girl. I like that we are friends. And I love watching and hearing about her adventures. But I am also an adventurer. And need to do my own things too. Looking for mystery and fun and new and magical experiences. I found a space to try to be more by going on my own mini adventure. Not so mini to me actually. I waited ages to get the chance. And as I started digging I found that box that had been hidden away for a long time and Once I opened it everything came tumbling out.
It’s no surprise that with everything else that happened it knocked me for six. There was some very big stuff in that box. I say no surprise. Actually I was completely clueless. I’m laughing to myself which feels like another very positive step forward. I mean there is clueless and there is clueless. I just thought it was going to be an adventure full of fun and friendships and nights out. What a very big surprise for me to find I had bitten off more than I could chew. Or had I. I survived to tell the tale.
Feeling a little more at peace now in what that experience was and how much it impacted me. But also how in amongst that I actually did have many incredible and wonderful experiences. It’s felt easier to put it behind me since leaving the group.
What I know is that at the time I gave everything to that adventure in ways that I don’t believe everyone did.
The past four years have been very painful but the risks that I took also gave me some things that I really wished for and will be treasured for life.
I may have looked like some kind of crazy in many many moments but when I think about everything I’ve been through I feel pretty proud of myself in that. And also how much I still helped others at the same time and what an achievement feels for me.
Perhaps it appears that others have achieved much more but when I think of the fuss that I often heard over a 2500 word essay, and how much time got wasted talking about it, I realise just how much I was able to juggle through a really difficult time in my life. Perspective is everything.
And I did get that bit of paper just like like everyone else.
What it shows me that I am always capable Of more. Im no genius but my specialised subject is my life. I’ve lived one. I’m interested in everything to do with life as well as all the other potential that grows in me as I explore. Right now I wish to take care of others in a way I can feel proud of. These are the important things of life. The moments that really matter.
Life is harsh. And you need to have a few really great people in your life that will be there for you when it is all a bit shit and there is no glamour.
But I’m also still learning so much about myself and others within it. Finding out what I’m made of and what I’m not. The past four years have been all about that and I’m still moving, still hanging in there, still looking after others and still trying to be a decent human.
Life might look a little pear shaped on the surface but inside I feel good about who I am. Not needing anyone else’s approval in that. I know I’m doing what I feel is right. What ”I” feel is right.

As for hiding away, I’ll give it some more thought. Feeling the deep root of a history of external judgements. I don’t want to let these things affect I how I see myself. And combined with social media and the online concept of everything being on demand and disposable, I guess it’s a minefield for every insecurity that exists.
Am I really missing out on all the fun? Does this virtual world really offer the same as the real world and more than I have in isolation? Does anyone even care who else is in that world? Or is it all just about being seen?
I know when I listen to others talk about the burdens of it that life without it feels easier In not having to meet the expectations of a crowd where everything has to be perfect otherwise the trolls will come scurrying out to put you down. They can say it to your face but without revealing themselves. Reminds me of the carnage of those pieces of paper at that residential.
In my own inner world I always know who the people are that are really important to me. Even if they aren’t always visible. I carry them with me all the time. Perhaps I sometimes worry if they do the same with me.

Like everyone I have a lots of blind spots but I can dig pretty deep into different things to find my own answers. I certainly don’t think I’m perfect. Not by a mile. But although it may often seem as though I have a whole load of stuff going on that makes me look like some sort of basket case, in fact, despite many fuck ups in life and having lots of insecurities, I know what they are. But rather than just gloss over them with a mantra of reconditioned thinking that will make me function in a way that fits with the crowd, I prefer to unravel the whole mess until I can properly get into the root. Simplicity in love. Details in the rest.
When the time is right for me, I know I can do anything. I feel it. Something lying ahead that can’t be forced in the panic to not waste precious time.
I don’t even know what it is. But I have hope there is something more to come.
I’m not a planner. I tend to do things spontaneously. So I won’t know what it is until I see it.
But I do plan on being in a place within myself where I’m open to more and that’s gonna take some work.
So while others have forged ahead on a particular path with their carefully thought out plans, Im wandering about, out of view, in no mans land, working things out.
And while doing that I have realised how little of my life I’ve actually wasted. Even in all the struggles. And how much in my life I have loved and been loved.
And at this point in the show that feels like a pretty good place to be.
So whatever lies ahead, I know from experience that I am able to follow my heart and I always always go the extra mile. I’m a girl who knows how to love. And I never say I love you unless I really mean it.
And all of that doesn’t feel too shabby for this less than perfect individual!

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