Over the past couple of weeks I feel like I have morphed into Daniel San as I channel my inner Mr Miyagi.
If you’ve never seen The karate kid then you will have absolutely no idea what I’m on about but think of Cobra Kai Dojo as the external world.
It can feel loud and harsh and unforgiving and unless you join in or are part of it all then it can feel like you are a nobody.
I’m totally in the M Dojo zone right now.
This karate kid is finding her way again. Very carefully and slowly. It’s a very bumpy and unmade road.
The big invisible thing still swirling as the roller coaster of illness continues to take me to sudden lows in seeing and feeling their pain and sadness that is relentless but has now become the everyday normality. It’s a strange feeling to become so accepting of something so horrible.
What, a few months ago, felt like an intense build to finality, has dispersed into something different. Like a terrible limp. Confusion reigns in everyone bracing themselves for what they remember from before but has not happened in the same way. It feels awful to say that out loud. As though it is a disappointment.
In fact it’s more tiredness. Not knowing. Minds that have no peace.
Life but not living, care without hope.
It can easily eat away at me in trying to find the purpose in it all other than thinking “is this what real love is?”
It’s hard to know anymore even though I believe I feel love in a multitude of ways for different people.
I can tell my girl feels similarly. Her emotions fluctuating as she can never find that solid ground in how to feel.
Is it awful to say that I hope when my time comes it is fast and kind and I get to provide those I love and who need it, a moment to say goodbye.
I have felt myself drowning in it as it is difficult to find the positive in hopeless. To always find the right things to say and do.
The truth of the matter is that he will die and the lead up to that is filled in the main with difficulty and sorrow.
I often wonder how P even copes. It is so all consuming.
My motivation has become a quiet and gentle voice from within. A much kinder and more forgiving voice that is showing me some love.
This quiet voice is reminding me of the lessons in every day ways that on the surface appear to just look like cleaning, decorating, gardening and caring, working, exercise.
They are in fact all part of the M Dojo training regime.
Actually they are integral to the training. The real life of the average Karate Kid.
In this Dojo it’s less about wanting to fight and more about creating a happy and peaceful state of mind.
If I feel good inside then I can deal with anything beyond.
I laugh as I write. Calling my inner me Mr Miyagi in order to make sense of where I’m at.
I have lived in this head all my life and the random craziness that can be conjured up in a moment can leave me chuckling to myself for weeks. This is the way my mind works. I may receive inspirations for thought from different external sources but if it doesn’t come from the inside in how I relate, think or feel about it then it has very little impact on me.
Anyways I practically want to put a bandana round my head.
Can I borrow your yellow one cloud monkey?
After the appearance of the real karate kid on the tv a few days ago it reminded me of Ralph Macchio on a poster on my bedroom wall. I was either going to marry him or Michael J Fox. I wasn’t fussed. Dreamy!!!
I didn’t marry either but I did once stand on a rock by the sea as a kid, looking like a nutcase, as I recreated the crane.
Who hasn’t imagined taking down those people who have not treated you so nice, with one killer scissor kick while an eighties anthem plays loud in the background and some hot guy/chick runs in to congratulate you in doing everyone a favour. Or am I the only one who ever thought that? 😂
Was it a coincidence that I’ve been helping my friend paint the whole of her house in one colour?!
Long up and down paint strokes. It’s all in the Wrist action Miyagi said, as any teenage boy will confirm.
Or as I wash my bathroom floor I suddenly start moving the scrubbing brush in circular motions as if to “sand the floor” or “wipe on wipe off” as I buff up super soft skin every day with a little moisturising oil.
These aren’t just every day jobs. This is me in the process of becoming match fit as I finally find myself in a position to reach for the next step up.
Yes it’s all about choices. And who wants to admit that they didn’t have any because they have no money. Did I really wish to make myself feel even smaller.
My newly approved mortgage is now going through.
Hopefully in place by the end of the month. This very practical element in itself is a huge step forward for me as I have been juggling money for the past 2 years when I found myself trying to sort out a crazy mess. Holding so much worry in that.. back at the start not knowing if I could buy shopping or if my card would reject as I tried to get to work on the train. It felt desperate. I lost so much sleep. Trying my hardest to hold on to that little piece of security that we both worked so very hard for, through half our live. Trying to carry us all to the other side when I couldn’t cope myself. I never want to ever find myself in that position again. I felt the value of security.
I was exhausted when I hit Christmas not realising that covid was round the corner where P would lose his livelihood, his dad’s cancer would worsen, and I would finally feel the full effects of everything that had happened through those few years.
I mean it’s just a flat. It looks like nothing to others but that is the product of all our grafting. All the shit that we ever put up with in our lives. All the things that we went without.
It was a lot to me.
Patience M -San. .
2 years on that patience has finally put me back in a position to re borrow with a proper lender rather than some emergency nowhere else to go cowboy firm.
I feel on more secure ground.
It feels like a massive weight lifted just in much more manageable repayments.
Im taking a massive breathe again for a moment before I exhale and start again.
Regaining security for my girl is so very important to me. I don’t really care where I live.
This flat is for her.
But what it will mean in a month or so is that I can start to put some money aside for the next few months to save for a membership.
I don’t want to borrow anything else. If I don’t have it in cash then I’ll go without. Save save save.
I need to get the basics in place if I’m going to rebuild.
Only I’m building on foundations that feel more solid. My roots feel deep and strong.
I need money for sure but it will never be my motivation. I only need enough. Enough not to worry and to have choices. Anything more I would always share.
As for having my voice heard I am trying in different ways. Putting my hat in the ring to manage the apprenticeships. Stating my case in how we might create more diversity by challenging how we recruit. Does everyone have to come through that one sane route. My voice was picked up and taken forward. I have an opportunity to change something very small but in a real way. The current thinking being very narrow. I’m trying to widen it in ways where a real difference can be made even if that is only for one person. I can’t change what I have no part of but perhaps I can in what do. I sure am gonna try.
I’ve sat in enough meetings through the years where the ideas go round and round and no one ever does anything.
I’m a project girl. Give me something meaningful to do and I will go away and make it happen.
I’m a dreamer for sure but I’m also a practical girl who will happily get her hands dirty and likes to get things done in a way they will make a difference. When I care about something you get all of me.
Funny .. I put a couple of quid on talkischeap in the Grand National on Saturday. He pulled up after the 25th fence.
My eyes are definitely starting to scan for opportunities where I might be able to add some value when I have more time and energy to give.
I am finding myself a little more motivated every single day as my quiet confidence grows within.
I’m feeling the energy from riding my bike every morning. Blimey .. Im even seeing abs appear 😂
And now I am swimming again I feel like I’m heading into summer as a lean mean bikini clad machine. The outfit of choice for this beach loving karate kid.
But as the country starts to open up and everyone is let loose, I’m staying focussed within. The same responsibilities and jobs still exist for me. My time is limited and precious. I do get very tired but I’m trying to use the momentum.
Right now using this current motivation to do all the practical things that need attention here. Fixing, painting, clearing out. The sort of stuff others did through lockdown in their boredom.
The sort of stuff I’ve been helping others with.
But now I’m bringing it home. These things are all part of trying to move forward. And I’m keeping my head down despite the lifted restrictions.
In the end Life for me is all about how you did it rather than what you did.
I don’t want or need to be the best.
Ive only ever wanted to try to be the best version of me and do it with a smile.