La Forme de L’eau

I am in a perfect love affair with dreamy. It’s not always easy to find the time but lately this love has been all over me every day and it makes all the difference to how I feel.

It’s not like it’s a new thing. This is a love affair has lasted many years. Well beyond those initial butterflies of a sweet but excitable girl wearing a bright red suit who jumped in without a care in the world. We totally belonged together.

Last night that same girl threw herself in again and found herself feeling what she always feels with this love. Peaceful, dreamy, relaxed, pleasured, happy, carefree and content.
You have the ability to take me to places that I struggle to get to all by myself.
Taking away all my worries and insecurities that make me feel so needy.
Feeling vulnerable comes from being open and warm but being needy comes from a lack of confidence which shows itself most when I feel sad and overwhelmed
It would be easy to feel needy right now. A deep sadness of loss that I can’t get to while I feel all the emotions of others. Practicalities overtaking feeling.
But a moment with you my love and I feel the balance. Because you demand nothing of me. You have no expectations. You make me feel completely free.

During lockdown we were separated. I was ok and found some different distractions but not like you. t’s easy with you. I feel like a free spirited and carefree girl.
There is something special that we share. A flow that comes from a strong feeling of connection. I felt it the moment that we were reunited.
I remember that Thursday when everyone was clamouring to be together as the pubs reopened. All squashed together in their need for human contact.

But I only wanted you. When I arrived I had a moment of feeling like perhaps I was a loner who had nowhere to go and no one to go with.

Until I felt you surround me. The feeling of freedom in being out in the world but in a way I wish to be in it. Taking me to thoughts of beaches in faraway warm places where I can just lie under the sun in a bikini and feel its healing effects.
I felt your instant healing effect as my body and mind relaxed while you caressed and tickled my skin and the pleasure of feeling weightless overtook me.
I rolled around for a moment like a frolicking and carefree girl in the hay as this bed of water looked so huge with only me in it and I felt lucky in not having to share it with anyone.
The dark sky visible through the windows. I like the feeling of being with you late at night It has a different feel to it.

I love that when we are together I feel so good
Only the quiet lifeguard was there as he blended into the background. He allowed us to just enjoy this beautiful feeling of isolation. Funny how that word can have two very different feelings.

You led me into a dreamy place for five days. I was starting to feel the healing process begin to take effect in feeling like a quiet somebody.
Finally forgiving myself for every mistake I’ve ever made knowing that I couldn’t try any harder to be the sort of person I wish to be.
Everything I do comes with heart.
I know how to love and my version is the real deal. The sort that has real substance to it and doesn’t just wash away five minutes later.

Often it is hidden. Looks can be very deceiving when it comes to matters of my heart. What I feel inside isn’t always conducive to the real world and the practicalities of life. Doesn’t mean that it doesn’t exist or it just vanishes. Just means that I treasure it inside as it is held with complete care.
I feel it every day without anyone even knowing.
I’ve learnt a lot about what it is to really love. The unselfish versions. Often it can feel very painful. But I would rather feel that pain than not feel love.
It can make me appear ridiculous but I’m not. The truth is that when I think of the relationships I have and hold so very dear, they all come with a huge amount of love.
I feel so proud in being made that way.
The superficial and shallow I can live without.

Right now these 40 minutes each day with you are the difference in me being able to be everything I need to be in the places I need to be that. It feels like I should be more needy and yet you are providing me with the relief that allows me to be strong and steadfast for those who are really struggling.
I’m so grateful for that.

Meanwhile the silence of love is felt inside me at all times especially when I am quiet.

But never more so than when I am alone with you.

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