Paddling my own canoe

Love many, trust few, always paddle your own canoe.

Sadness… I’m filled with it but not really feeling any of it.
Angry has dispersed in the main in favour of complete apathy in most of the day to day stuff in life and to the majority of people.
I don’t really care about any of it. Could not give a shit. “Leave me alone” is how I feel right now. Not wanting to be around others especially anyone who wants to preach to me or is ungenuine, superficial or pretentious.
Go away!
But my closest that keep it real and genuine are quietly there even though I don’t particularly want to talk about any of it. And I also have the strangers at swimming as a place to just say hello and how are you tonight? Not involved in my life but just enough human contact for me to still feel like me. Providing in the main a down to earth and friendly vibe that comes in mixture of diversity but is actually just a lot of random people swimming. I feel comfortable in that and it is my current little happy place.

Found a place for feeling Angry and Sad last night as I watched newsnight.
Emily Maitless being one of the few on tv that doesn’t get on my nerves. She pummelled the Israeli military man who carries out the orders of those in power.
Even he pointed out at one point that he felt for the innocent people he was pummelling who had no influence in what was happening.
No one who was actually making the decisions was available for Emily to ask.

I felt real sadness in moments as I watched a distraught young boy who had lost his father and brother as the killing of innocent people on both sides continued.
The unresolved history between the Israelis and Palestinians reignited.
Innocent children in both directions becoming the latest casualties in this new flare up in the struggles of historic injustices and rules. Most of it initially created by others. Historic rules and decisions that fuel the unrest and a feeling of unfairness. Other countries having contributed to this through the years and then taking the moral high ground in the aftermath.
What a fucking mess we make of this world.
The might of money and powerful friends now retaliating on those without. Those who don’t have a voice.
Who is right and who is wrong. Both … when innocent kids are dying. How can anyone be right in that?
All the normal little people left to feel the consequences of what I imagine will never be resolved as the pain continues to evolve into more hatred. Creating something that perhaps lies dormant in moments but that feeling of injustice and unfairness will continue to swirl until it explodes with provocation.
It happens everywhere and of course those with more money and power see themselves on the side of right and good.
The effects of war continuing long after the wars ended resulting in people who were wronged demanding more which then left others displaced.
Whose fault is it? The whole thing is so messed up and tangled that to right it is pretty much impossible. It feels so complicated. I don’t understand even a fraction of it .
Diplomacy involves people listening and understanding the other persons point of view.
Where does that happen?
We sit here permanently shining our moral compass as though we are whiter than white but usually we have been involved in fucking things up in one way or another in other places somewhere along the way. And then when it all goes pear shaped we run off pretending it was nothing to do with us and preaching to others about their need to have a democratic process. We are as corrupt as anywhere with all the behind the scenes deals and back handers that are hidden out of sight.
Who is ever gonna expose any of it. Everyone is on the payroll.
Investigative journalists? Do they even exist anymore?
The papers are all propaganda machines.
I never take anything they tell me at face value.

What can I do? I’m just another little person without a voice. I’m no genius filled with amazing wisdom. I can’t even fix the things that are closer to home.

So I just paddle my own canoe and listen to this tune as I write, in the attempt to provide myself with some much needed peace that I can’t find in the world beyond and right now is only available in little moments within my own inner world.

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